Fly Free

Can friends with benefits-- or bed buddies -- really benefit both parties, or is there usually unexpected emotional fallout?

By Gina Shaw
WebMD Feature Reviewed By Brunilda Nazario, MD

During Julia's junior year in college, she met a great guy. But she didn't want to date him. "I was at the end of another relationship that had been really good. So I don't think I was psychologically ready to get involved again and at the same time, I was pretty horny," she recalls.

So after a halfhearted attempt at a romantic relationship, Julia and Steve decided that what they really wanted was "friendship with a little sex thrown in." For years after that, whenever both of them were single at the same time, they would sleep together. "Friends of mine always used to hope that we would get together, but I always knew there was nothing but friendship," Julia says.

Having regular, no-strings-attached sex with someone you're not romantically involved with has become such a cultural phenomenon that it's acquired a name --"friends with benefits." (Others call it "bed buddies," or use more explicit terms.) For Julia and Steve, it worked out well -- the "benefits" part of their friendship ended when she met the man who is now her husband, but they're still close, and get together for dinner when he's in town. But are they the rule or the exception? Can "friends with benefits" really benefit both parties, or is there usually unexpected emotional fallout?

Benefits for Whom?

"It depends on your attitude towards sex," says Tina Tessina, PhD, a family and couples therapist and author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again. "If sex always means love and commitment to you, it's not going to work for you to engage in it as 'just friends.' If sex can be a more casual thing to you, then I think it's possible that you can get together with a friend and agree to do that and not get too emotionally tied up."

Julia agrees -- and thinks the "benefits" went further than just enjoyable sex with someone she trusted. "It was a nice cushion, for times when I was single. And it made me less desperate for a relationship," she says. "It gave me time to figure out who I was and what I was looking for in a man, but I wasn't ever wanting for male company because Steve's special brand of friendship was always there."

FWB experiences can burn, however, and the friendships in question often end as a result. "I was friends with a British guy who kept wanting to sleep with me," says Melinda, a New York newlywed in her early 30s. "I thought, 'OK, he's cute. I'm horny. I know him so it won't be a random pickup that could be scary because I don't know the guy. Why not?' Our friendship was ruined because we slept together. He was awful in bed, and he was boring and juvenile."

Potentially more traumatic: One of you falls in love and the other one doesn't --or one of you goes into an it's-just-sex relationship harboring secret hopes of turning it into more. (Alanis Morrisette may sing, "You're my best friend, best friend with benefits" in "Head Over Feet" -- but no one hearing the rest of the lyrics could doubt that the singer is in love with the guy.)

read the rest at this link: http://webcenter.health.webmd.netsca...m?pagenumber=1

i came across this article while surfing and found it is true as to what could happen -- the link is to page 1 it has 2 pages and the rest can be seen at the link ive provided -- what are ur thoughts to it or share ur experiences if u feel comfy with that q

Deafness

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javapride

I recently read this posting, and i do agree on one thing. having freinds with benifits can destroy friendship, ITS too emtionally involved there always will be emtions involvements when it comes to sex, one may say no it won;t but it does cuz the way the sexual aspect happens can knock one's head over like an intoxication of how the sex came out!

GoKiGOki48rs

once u came into that relationship with benefits even tho with "no string attached".. it will always ruined the friendship cos u chose not to love him or want something more than "friend" with him/her.. but its does really really fucked the relationship.. besides having no string attachement... why not handling w/o feelings? i can do that tho but thank god i wasnt into that... enuff said...

VamPyroX

I would say that it depends on the two. If both know where to draw the line, then I'm sure that it would be fine. Communication is also important. If one starts to feel differently, then it's time to tell the other that something needs to be done. If one or the other doesn't communicate, then it could get out of hand and both would end up hurting each other.

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Sweet_KJ

I find there can be a lot of anxiety in relationships like that. Not a good idea, plus, yes it can ruin the friendship --- especially when one gets into a new relationship that is more romantically involved -- the new partner wouldn't like the fact that.

Maria

Is it a wise to make MANY friends or chose a FEW friends ?

Y

Geez, Looks very difficult to draw the line
between Friendship, Friendship with Benefits
and Relationship. Thats very hard
depend on both sides and their preferences.

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Y

i would say a few friends

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javapride

Cyber red ur comment abt that is off the topics, this is abt friends with benfits UDDY for SEX no dating nothing else. thats what this topic is abt! Just helping u out

Lasza

Many regular friends (co-workers, neighbors, and etc..) while few true friends on the Earth. That what I like about.

but "friend with benefit" is much different than we expect. Having sex can be affect everyone. Look at child molest, rape, friend with benefit, relationship, and marriage. the world is getting worst.

I was told that sex can make some people's health become more improve. sigh...

Maria

It is not a comment. It's a question. It's for me to help thinkin' what is good or what is not good. No offense taken

Maria

Yep, I agree with ya there. I believe by chosin' a FEW friends is the best. Speakin' of "friend with benefits" is not a good idea. That's like takin' an "advantage" of someone who has more experience or naive for physically use or to "use" for an experiment...it could be anything that's so called "sick" or "sicko". It's a probably why AID, HIV, Syphillis, etc., etc. are growin'. It's unhealthy environment.
And, yes you are right about the world is gettin' worse. I call this world a "drunkard" without gettin' a cure.... the minds couldn't get thinkin' straight properly when all this happens.

MilitaryGirl83

Uhh.. friends with benefits means 2 people that are friends but they have sex together without an relationship between them.

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Fly Free

ref to few true friends on Earth as opposed to having too many

Lasza -- on ur comment ref to sex can help ppl's health become better -- i agree and ive read that somewhere too

"friends with benefits" is a good thing if both involved parties are CLEAR on the issue abt having sex without strings PERIOD -- emotional relationship isnt included in this "friends with benefits" kind of relationship as long as both parties are single and arent partnered/married/whatever -- i had been involved in 2 different relationships that would be considered as "friends with benefits" sadly in the end with 1 "friend with benefits" we arent speaking to eachother due to some issues and i felt it was time to cut it off and prevent it from going any further and spiraling out of control and the other one im still friendly with -- even with my past experiences -- i still do not see anything wrong with "friends with benefits" -- its taught me to be more cautious on the emotional maturity of the sexual partner if i was single

Maria

Right..it's called "f**k buddy". I don't accept that kind.

Wesley1482

well i had "Friends Benefits" with someone ... Only ONE girl i had sex with so far .. and three time... so later on She accuse me for being raped her that i really NEVER raped her ...Not even try! Because I told her that IF she feel isnt ready for it Or not too comfontable about that, but understand that because thats WHAT she REALLY want to have that "sex" experience before going out to galluate unverisity... so anyway, I told her that she had right to say NO if she feel not right about this or not ready about that and she got it .. so she going like... GO AHEAD and do it .. we done it in my CAR, lol, In couple months later she accuse me for being rape her and hurt her, thats what she told everyone, WHOA! i had no idea why did she do that so she admit me that she felt thats was pressure from me... But i was so PISSED OFF and said to her, WELL, YOU SHOULD SAY NO IN FIRST PLACE IF YOU DONT WANT DO THIAT, I WILL RESPECT YOU, PEROID! then she go like....WELL I TRIED SAY NO BUT I CANT. now then i told her; WELL U SHOULD SPEAK UP TO SAY IT, i would stop doing this ... thats all your fault, so.. its all her fault and .... from what i learned .... being FRIENDS BENEFITS really SCREWED UP pretty badly than u ever imagaine that! because of that word "RAPE" is that very serious words to peoples to prespection me that i m BAD guys and ruined it. i hope my experience will help you all guys.

Y

Geez, "f**K buddy" actually looks more like
"friends WITHOUT any benefits"
rather than "friends WITH benefits"...

The more i think about this,
i cannot accept this kind of
"f**k buddy" because it's impossible to
earn respect from this. Simple.

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Cheri

Everybody gets horny some rather to take care of it themselves, some look for a friend and do it regularly...but that does not mean he is infected with anything...Sometimes 'feeling' do get in the way of just only 'sex'..Sometimes it's hard on a some people to keep their feelngs out of it..but, sometimes it can't be controled..Some think it's like 'two adults' having the pleasure of enjoying just sex...Some do stay friends but ' close' friends.

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VamPyroX

That's what I hate about these damn bitches. They say nothing, then after they do it... they call it rape. WTF? Jeez... even the police will listen to that. If a guy yelled rape, the police would hestitate. If a gal yelled rape, the police would immediately take action!

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VamPyroX

It's important for both to understand the difference between "have sex with", "fuck", and "make love to". Some people put all of that together so when you say "let's fuck", the other is thinking, "let's make love". "Make love to" means to do it with intimacy and love... as well as making it meaningful, which is usually in a serious relationship. Having sex is just sex. Fucking is just fucking... nothing else. If both know the differences and can accept "fuck" or "have sex with", then both should be fine. I've seen cases where the guy or gal says "want to have sex", and the other ends up assuming it means the same as "making love". Afterwards, one will tell others that they are now boyfriends/girlfriends. When the other asks why he/she said that, "Oh, we had sex... so I thought that meant we are now boyfriend/girlfriend?" Ugh!

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Y

ah, dear vamp...
here is no real difference between
"making love" is same thing as "fucking"
and "having sex"
they are all the same, except
softer words and harsh words....

(e.g. "making love" is softer while
"let's fuck" or "let's boom boom" or
"let's baam baam" are harsh wording...)

Hmm, Wanna make love with me ? OR
Wanna fuck me ? Wanna feel me ?
Wanna kiss me and hug me and then
Lets have a holy intercourse ? or
have a un-holy intercourse ? :-)
or HARD fuck or Soft fuck ?
psst, it's ALL same thing :-)

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kuifje75

I think there is nothing wrong with havin friends with benefit. I have done it.
It is good to have a friend where you can go to regularly to hold together and make love.
Either way, in a relationship or no relationship, ones' needs are satisified, and I think judging these people is premature. There might be many reasons for these people to have friends with benefits.

Cheri

I also think Friends with Benefits are Fine.. Sometimes People are not ready for a relationship.. and they just are two adults that wants to Enjoy eachother and have a Romance Night... Together.. Nothing Wrong with that.. As Long this person is not like a type that goes around do everyone.. That is something I would not do.. But I do not Mind Having a Friend That I like and Trust and have a sexual Relationship with.

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Angel

I agree with Kuifje here...There is absolutely nothing wrong with having friends with benefits....I've never done it myself but I don't see a problem to hold someone and make love....I think its really depending on each person (s)...because, some may start feeling something emotionaly afterwards and end up feeling heartbroken because that someone don't feel the same way as that person does....and it can cause friendship to break ....sometimes it can cause them to become closer friends...

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Y

How true that really belong to
each individual's preference and
depend on the level of high or low drive
if it's okay for you as an individual,
then go for it as long as it's okay
with another individual. (Takes 2 people,
if one says okay, and the other one
says not okay, then forget it.. but
if both says okay, then go for it....)

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Maria

The way I am lookin' at it when "friends WITHOUT any benefits", there's no relationship in it, right ? Ok, without relationship, there's no feelings in it, except sex for the pleasure.... that's called "f**k buddy" to me, because there's no discussion further about the relationship for each other like there's never happened. Remma that movie is called "Vanilla Sky", actor Tom Cruise ?

Now, speakin' of "friends WITH benefits", it may hurt the feelings at the end...it may lead to many "evil" things like "fatal attraction" or "obsessed" or whateva. But, it also leads to "unhealthy" environment, too without thinkin' of one self to take care of, if continuin' friends with benefits with others (sex). Sometimes, men likes to know what it is like to have sex with woman and what her "moan" is like... things like that to boost his gratiftication or something, but it won't be very long.

Both of "friends with benefits" and "friends WITHOUT benefits" are still bad idea, it doesn't matter if it sounds good. It's not healthy. I wonder why it is OK to have sex if, there's no relationship to hurt each other's feelings at the end ? What about causin' either one of them "jealous" if, either one of them has someone else ? Will it last their friendship or will it break their friendship to separate their ways ? The