TWA

It seems like a lot of hearing men come in here asking for advice on how to date a deaf girl. Also, in my experience, it often seems like the majority of "mixed" relationships are usually a hearing man with a deaf woman. Even on this forum, it seems to be more often the case.

In my own personal experience, I have dated several hearing women, but I think I've had A LOT of potential relationships that never developed because of my hearing. And even though my previous relationships ended for whatever reasons, I do think my hearing was a factor each time. Maybe that's a faulty view. (Maybe I'm just a jerk, LOL! but I don't think that's true either. At least I hope not! )

I wonder about this. Assuming my observations are correct, why are hearing men more apt to find a deaf mate, but hearing women aren't as interested in a deaf mate?

Any theories? I have my own, but I'll withhold it and see what others have to say.

Deafness

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Bottesini

Probably the deaf women regard the hearing men a better potential earners.

My husband is hoh so I feel pretty safe to express the opinion.

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TWA

That does fit into my theory, but I think it's got to be more than just that...


Also, Bott, any idea why hearing women aren't as interested in deaf men?

Bottesini

I'm deaf, so I don't think I can speak for hearing women, but we sure get a lot of teen girls and early twenties, hearing women.

They come in and swoon for a little while about how they love deaf culture, or served a deaf guy in a restaurant, so they want to become one with us.

They tire of it quickly and leave. But for a tiny while it is interesting to them.

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Em903

Maybe, but I'm still around hearing or deaf, it doesn't matter to me.

TWA

Ah, the exception to the rule! (or is it the exception that proves the rule???)

Bottesini

But you are not what Alex asked about who is pursuing deaf men.

YOu just said either way matters not. That isn;t what he is asking about.

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Em903

Hmm I would say I'm an exception but... I'll let you get to know me and you can decide for yourself

Em903

True, sorry should've reworded. To be clear, I'm hearing and dating a deaf man. A girl from my ASL class, she's a bit younger, would like to date a deaf man but she's never explicitly told me why.

TWA

Is she cute?

Em903

LOL she is cute but she is a homeschooled 17 yr old who is taking ASL for her "foreign" language credit. We were at the residential deaf school here and the HS boys were trying to flirt with us. I told her to go flirt back because I felt old hehe.

TWA

Tell her to call me...










in 10 years

Bottesini

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Em903

LOL but back to your post... I personally would think more hearing women would be apt to date a deaf man than a hearing man date a deaf woman. Why? Well women have always been more into languages than men. But there are probably some exceptions of course.

I find that it's nicer to have eye contact and he pays attention more than previous men I've dated who were hearing. *Shrugs* I can't say much in how it's going because it is still rather new.

What are your theories Alex?

TWA

Well, I hope this doesn't make me sound like a pessimist and a whiner or even a nerdy science geek, but I think it's a toxic combination of biological/evolutionary and societal perception. From what we've learned about evolution, female species (not just humans) are biologically attracted to the healthiest and strongest males. The most "desirable" females often mate with the "alpha" males.

Because of the stigma that our society places on deafness, I think a lot of women are just biologically not interested in deaf/HoH men. We are taught from an early age that people with biological differences are "disabled," or "defective." And god, who would want to be with someone defective, right? For these women, deafness is not a trait that they want passed on to their progeny. I'm not saying that I believe deafness is an undesirable trait, or that all women think that, because I think that's a load of shit and I know some women understand that. But it's still a fact that society has placed that stigma on deafness, and it's been hard to shake. And I know for a fact that some women who start out being attracted to me before they talk to me, usually lose romantic interest after a few communication issues come up.

Now, if I'm able to demonstrate that my deafness is actually a desirable trait, and sometimes I do, then I've got a chance with those alpha male hearing dudes, haha. For example, I am told by many hearing women that I am a good listener (the irony! LOL!). What they perceive as good listening is actually me concentrating with all my might in order to understand speech. Still, that shows deafness as a desirable trait. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be enough

But it is nice to know that there are women like yourself that see the stigma for what it is (a lie) and don't let affect your biological attraction to deaf men.

Em903

I just wrote a paper about why being deaf should not be seen as a "disability" for a cultural class! Re:BOLD: the communication can be an issue but both parties have to be chill about it and learn how to laugh it off. I don't say "never mind" or anything like that but once I wasn't understanding what was being fingerspelled. I'm kinda dyslexic and I get the letters all turned about and then I can't visualize the word. So unfortunately, as a newbie signer, I pulled the whole "again, sorry again again" etc. And I got the response of "Forget it!" I had to sign back, "No don't tell me to 'forget it!' I wouldn't say that to you, now let me learn something, one more time, please." I got it thankfully lol and he understood that a "Forget it!" won't solve communication issues.

Interesting theory though but I hope that it isn't the case.

TWA

Oh, I should discuss the flipside of this. The reason why hearing men don't seem to have a problem with deaf women is because for them, non-visual biological differences are not as much a concern. Men are much more attracted to physicality than women. In fact, deafness is often a desirable trait to men. Some men like to be a "protector" and in extreme cases, this is taken to a controlling degree. I think some hearing men look at a deaf woman and like the idea that they can take care of her, that they can "protect" her and help her with her "disability." Let's face it, too, the hearing person in a relationship is easily able to control the deaf person in many situations, since most of society is auditory based. But then we all know the stories about Deaf women dating hearing men who take the man to the Deaf community, and the man gets pissed off because suddenly he's the one in the position of meekness. I can't help but feel that most of the time when a hearing man wants to date a deaf woman, even if he's not aware of it himself, he's reacting to his biological need to control and protect. I don't like that I feel like that, but I do.


I don't know. Maybe I've got it all wrong... :shrug:

nope

I wonder if this fits your theory - I'm a female and I don't typically ask men out. I mean, I wait to be asked out. I don't know why, I'm neither a feminist nor anti-feminist, but I do. I feel too shy to ask someone out - not forward enough. If most females operate the same, then it might be the deaf guys who aren't interested in asking out the hearing females. Maybe the girls would be interested if they were asked?

TWA

I agree with you 100% but you have to understand that most people are not aware of these issues. They just know what they learned when they were kids in school and the teacher said, "Now you all be nice to Alex; he can't hear as well as us." That, unfortunately, takes precedence in the minds of many. It takes a lot to "deprogram" this type of thinking. :thanks: for being one of the few! "


I hope it isn't either, and there are always exceptions, of course.

TWA

Yes, you've got a good point. I admit that I have failed, on occasion to "make the move," but that was only because I already felt rejected through nonverbal cues.

Still, I do ask hearing women out from time to time, and they sometimes get uncomfortable and deflect. Maybe I'm just not doing it right. You also have to keep in mind, it is quite difficult for a deaf/HoH man to ask a hearing women out in spoken language and be "smooth" about it. I've certainly bungled a few date requests because of my hearing.

Em903

I decided to crack open one of my books from a previous ASL class. The book is called "For Hearing People Only" now before I get flamed for such a title it is written by Deaf for Hearing as a "Hey don't f**k up by doing this", cultural questions, etc. It's a nice read and it was suggested by the faculty. Anyhow... chapter 104's title, "What problems, difficulties, or challenges would a 'hearing and deaf' couple face as they relate to anoe another (i.e., dating, marriage)?"

Paraphrased (So I don't get sued for copying ) It lists the book The Feel of Silence by Bonnie Poitras Tucker in that she was in a marriage with a hearing man. She finds most deaf men benefit more from a marriage to a hearing woman than if a deaf woman were married to a hearing man for this reason: Deaf men derive support from their hearing wives and list loyalty, compassion, commitment as those qualities. While with the reverse, deaf women haven't found the same kind of support from their husbands.

Next page lists some letters written in from various people. One woman states her husband refused to be involved in the Deaf community while she doesn't feel too comfortable being around the hearing for too long due to communication barriers.


This is just from that book (no flaming ME LOL) that kind of reinforces what you've stated Alex.

TWA

Hmm, I have just had an epiphany.

The problem for me is not biological/evolutionary; the problem is that I think too damn much about this! Good god, what am I doing, writing a friggin textbook?

Time to turn off my brain

Em903

TWA

What I wonder, though, is why these deaf women got started in these relationships in the first place, and why they continued to stay in them?

Em903

Do you really want to go down that road though? The mind of a person in an abusive relationship? Now THAT will be a long thread I can tell you that much personally!

TWA

Sigh, I know. Let's not. I hope that their deafness didn't have a role in that, but I can't help but feel like they themselves felt inadequate and defective because of their deafness, and that if they left the relationship, nobody would accept them. I really hope that's not the case.

I don't know your own experience, but I'm glad it's not going on anymore. I hate abusers: emotionally, verbally, or physically. They're all scumbags.

JClarke

This is a interesting thread, sometimes I am in the same boat. Hearing girls just look at me, and then, **** it, he's deaf - too hard. C'mon!

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Em903

Aw but you both are good lookin guys and very sweet too bah, if they don't give you their time, they are not worth yours!

TWA

Actually, this is what I tell myself as well. If she can't love me for who I am, F--- her. Having a hearing loss is actually kinda nice in that it's an in-built scumbag/bitch detector. The people who treat you different or are rude, etc. are not worth your time, and you find this out a lot sooner than other people.'

Keep your chin up JClarke. You a balla, boooyeeee

violet

Aight BOtt... heres an exception...
I've loved deaf culture since i was 8.. now im 20... and still oh so in love...
and not that i want to become "one of you" I just love.. deaf culture in general.
the same could happen with something else.. if i became interested in it..
But.. also as a hearing.. im not against dating a deafie.. or a hearie.. whatever comes i'll accept.
and to me its not about earnings. because whatever.. he makes ( as corny as it may sound i still stick by it) doesn't make him a bad or better person. as long as he gives his best.
i dont know why it is that.. hearing women tend to date less deafies.
I know my friend stopped dating her deaf boyfriend because he was just plain lazy and didnt want to work.. and just lived off his gov money.
but i think any woman (wise) would have an issue with that.