BassHunter69

personally i dont mind deag or hearing woman as long as we make the effort to communicate. communication is important to me.

Deafness

__________________
This advertising will not be shown in this way to registered members.
Register your free account today and become a member on AllDeaf.com

craigm26

I'm not sure about how much deafM>deafF or whatever combination can be dreamed up here, but I'll try to write from experience.

Your hearing "disability" is always going to be an issue. I accept my hearing loss. It's really a matter of how well you and your mate go together and accept it and make the most of it in your communication.

I think you have to accept it because it's part of how "normal" communication is doled out. Some hearing people have never had to deal with it, so if its as different as that, they may not want to take the time to do learn the style of communication you may need. If she doesn't want to take the time, then forget it, she doesn't value you the way you may want to. Some people come more open to the idea of learning, some don't. (Damn you work. Damn you. You'd be amazed as to how misconstrued e-mails are. Basic rule: don't take any e-mail on a personal tinge.)

I spend a lot of time concentrating on what the speaker is saying (or what I'm saying) and a lot of times, I miss the hints of more. When I do spot it, the skies open and heaven sings.

I've had gfs who wanted to learn ASL and some got up to basic finger-spelling and some basic signs ("let's go", "bathroom", "s-e-x", etc.). When that happened, wow. I was happy. I could then provide her with my amazing eyesight for what she sometimes lacked in.

Do I prefer hearing over Deaf? I don't know because I haven't dated any deaf women before. I have been introduced to the community a wee bit and grew up involved in deaf events/camps. I think she would initially be more frustrated with my lack of ASL competency for the first month or so, but she has to be patient and I have to learn .

But, I must say that having those experiences early on in my life led me to have world-view that is more "equal" than other hearing men. I don't place as much value on precipitating race and disability stereotypes than what hearing people may. I think this impacts how hearing women see me sometimes, but I don't dwell on it. I just know that when I'm older, I'll be a very eligible bachelor .

Y'know your question of whether one group dates more of the other group (opposite sex) brings to mind "Yellow Fever". I was exposed to it at UC Davis and kept hearing the term. Someone showed me the YouTube video and I was amazed. Not only was it a widely used term, it was almost like fact. The perception is that there's a lot more Asian Women dating White Guys than there are White Women dating Asian Men (definitely seemed true). I pledged to a Asian Frat (I'm White) after I checked out a White Frat. I felt more at home with the Asian group. Why? I actually attribute this to the hearing school and deaf camp experiences. Remember, "Equality". And no, not "Stockholm Syndrome". Of course, "Yellow Fever" is a comical term for the most part, but some Asian guys are actually bitter about it until they get to know the White Guy. I think the reason why this perception seemed true was because of the values men and women place on each other and how they interpret it for themselves. The reason why I wanted to hang out with Asians was because I found them to be similar to I. Some people list the pluses of being with another and sometimes some attributes of someone are "better" spent time with certain attributes they'd like to have in their lives. I talked to some good white male friends of mine and at the time we were all dating Asian women. It came up and talked about it. Basically, it was more coincidence than anything else. Maybe it was because she was a minority and understood "fairness". Maybe she understands loyalty. Maybe she doesn't value the kind of wealth most white women seem to want, regardless of acquisition method. Perhaps women like the quick and easy and men will wait for the good ones?

If I want my mate to be my best friend, I hope she understands who I am and why I do the things I do and still love me for it. She must understand that I am HOH.

BelleSorrisa

So from your experience now, would you say that a deaf/HOH woman understands better? ; )

TWA

Maybe.

craigm26

Maybe in 10 years we'll have a good answer

Kaliphornia

A cynical though unfortunately accurate assessment of how women think about us deaf guys. You know you can't hear the tiger coming and kill it if you're deaf so your rejected.

HelloNurse

im not so sure this is the reason, but im not really sure what is. i have noticed almost all of my deaf guy friends are single and ive always wondered why. they are attractive, intelligent, funny, etc and yet ive never seen them with gfs.

but i just cant imagine the majority of women being so shallow as to view a deaf person as a lower status than themselves simply because they are deaf.. maybe they are, maybe im an exception, but i dont choose my men based on hearing status, just as i dont care if they wear glasses, what car they drive, what shoes they wear, what race they are, etc. i think that is ludacris.

i can see why some women may be hesitant about dating a deaf man for fear of having a communication barrier, but i should think that hearing men would have the same fears. maybe more men date deaf women because they think they are broken in some way and will be easier to control and overpower? (maybe i have been in too many crappy relationships. haha)

btw, i am dating a deaf guy right now and loving it.

dereksbicycles

For any one of you who doesn't know me, I am profoundly deaf and uses ASL. I have dated my share of deaf and hearing people.

2 years ago, I dated a HOH woman. She knew both ASL and oral. She kept pushing for us to get married, but I was not ready at the time so she gave up on me. Communication wasn't an issue. It was just that she kept pushing me to get married and have kids with her. Also, I just wouldn't see enough spark between the 2 of us.

Last year, I met a deaf woman online. We eventually met in a person. She is full deaf and uses ASL. No voice just like me. When we met for the first time, she bought along her hearing friend who knew NO ASL. They just wrote back and forth. That was fine with me. I got to spend a lot time with the 3 of them. I dated the deaf person for 7 months. The hearing person has tagged along on a lot of occasions. We had a lot of fun. However, the more I got to know those 2 people, I realized that I had more in common with the hearing person than the deaf person. I had to tell them how I felt. I am now dating the hearing person. Understand that it had NOTHING to do with hearing issue. It had to do with other aspects of life in general, not hearing loss.

I am now very happy with my hearing girlfriend. I have known this hearing person for 7 months and now we are dating for 3 months. I am still friends with the hearing person's deaf friend.Now it is the deaf person that is the third wheel when we go out, not the hearing person.

Strange....

Just wanted to throw in my 2 cent.

naisho

I don't think it should be fair to lump them all in a category that just because they are deaf, they don't get dates. There may be more to the eye than just that. If you've ever noticed between D and d deafs, D-Deaf have shown a general tendency to be more provocative and assertive compared to d-deafs, who tend to convey a much different personality, but of course this representation doesn't fit with all people. It is primarily the foundation to why I feel D-deaf are more likely to be activists in the "Deaf Power" fiasco going on while d-deaf tend to take more of the back seat, observing or not caring.

But digging deeper into the issue, I've a feeling it is more of an educational aspect, for recent generations, than it is about personality, the two are mutually related, although education builds and shapes the person. The higher you go, the more sophistication you may encounter.


derek's anecdote is further evidence that it isn't a language barrier issue, there's more things being factored. I want to say there's a personality including education variable that is more easily seen in some, not all D-deaf people that may turn off others, whereas hearing people are equally guilty of the same things, but not all are the same.

I don't have any sources or backing to prove this particular hypothesis, so take it with a grain of salt..

shushugah

I am a CI user, male, and I certainly could understand why anyone, both female and male hearing would get fed up of being in the deaf culture after a while. I've dated and had several relations, although I am single now, I am 100% positive it had nothing to do with my deafness, and I don't see why it should become such an issue, then again, babies were never part of the discussion, and deafness can contribute to "less desirable" physical atribute of the kids, but this has little to do with which gender is deaf or not.


In the above discussion, it makes sense that a woman would want a hearing male, so he can earn more money? Being deaf limits you in many ways unfortunately, I personally don't have any issues, but I can understand why for example my mother doesn't want to teach in Berlin University anymore, since she can barely understand her students in noisy environments.

This is just a guess of my own?? If a woman is healthy, and remember she is the one who nurtures an unborn baby for 9 months, why would she want someone with a disability to share his sperm and turn an otherwise 100% healthy woman into a mother id a crippled child?

Before you blast me, remember that isn't my view, and most woman don't have that view either, just a theory,

RedDwarf

It is a lie with a dangerous truth inside.
What is status?
What can you do with it?
What is self confidence, and why it is so attractive?
Why don't you try to gain good self confidence?
Why it is so painful to be deaf and why do you allow yourself to suffer?
Why are you so boring?
When or why cannot you turn that disability to an advance?

(the rhetiocal questions are not directed directly to the one who wrote this quote)

It does not explains why most womens fell for doucebags and criminals, or even poor peoples. Why are they cool?

The tiger question:
Be so valuable/unique/fun so the hearing people jumps in front of you to protect you from the tiger attack!!!!!

(Does not tigers usually attacks in silence?)

There are much more important things in life than the "money and status" issue, and I mean that only 13-16 years old girls only believes that, the society nowadays have made it easy for womens to be self supplicant, so you can go out and cheat more than ever.

RedDwarf

(allright, I wrote a lot, mostly I feel that it's important for the guys to see at themselves, it may be helpful for somebody)

Beautiful thread. I am deaf guy, and was absolute a d-deaf guy, with extremely low selfconfidence and selfrespect, I was tired by my life, tired by dreaming and have nothing, tired that people always stopped me, tired by working, tired by everything. I wanted to be a D-Deaf guy , a D-Deaf Bastard with a big fat D (who still is rejecting my deafness!), it have taken a lot of pain and work. I have still much more left, but I'm beginning to feeling more comfortable with my deafness, my quirkness, my body, my nothingness, and people sees that. So far, I like that.

For the last few years I have met a lot of womens and mens, both deaf and hearing, I wanted to understand the social context, and I found out these things:

1) it's YOU (aka me) who has the responsiblity to be comfortable with other people, they feel what you feel, you (or me) have to learn them, in a short and easy way, showing them it's not a issue. You're deaf, so what?

2) It's too easy to identify with your deafness, telling people the lifestory of your deafness. you're deaf. you're not deaf. you're not yourself without the deafness. you're the space between yourself. you're only yourself. Be fully with yourself, be fully INSIDE your deafness. Or not! There is more to life than your deafness.

3) it's really painful to be deaf, much more than the hearing people can understand. That's okay.
4) On the other side the pain makes you more aware of things people cannot see, that's your strength, but it's easy to be blind of your image of yourself.
5) Deafness makes one stronger and more willful because one learned early as a kid not's not a option to give up on the first try. (it's something I like to believe!)
I have met several hearing people who gived up quickly when trying to talk with me. Their loss.
6) Deaf/HoH may have more of a awareness of communication, while the hearing are more relaxed, it's the feeling, not the word who counts, maybe more playful. Both are right, it's a fine balance between the words, both the non-understanding and the understanding of words. I am still trying to understand that balance!

Hearing people don't even hear if you're asking something, because they're always hearing "background noise", so it's phased out. In a bizarre way the hearing people are more deaf than the deaf people themselves...

7) Talking with deaf are more simpler/straigthforward (may comes from the less social interactions, and more awareness with the words) In fact, I may find it a little boring to talk with deaf girls...

On the other side the hearing/HoH/deaf girl may find the deaf guy too boring, too tiring to talk with, too slow to talk with, no or little emotions. God, I was really boring for few years ago, when I said something to one girl, she grimased just by that sentence! ( I am still boring, I try to overcome that! )
I was too focused to say things as correctly as possible and to understand what she said so I forgot the emotionally side of my words. Almost nobody likes to read a dry book.

I am trying to be more horny, impulsive, wild, cruel, playful, trying to be brave to do all of these things I've been afraid of. Deafness have really scared my ass of myself because it made me so vulnerable and helpless so I have decided to overcome my issues, learning to trust myself.

9) Eye contact are important, I try to show her/he that I'm with him/her by not looking too much at the mouth, I switch between the mouth and eyes.
Once I slowly moved my eyes up from mouth to the eyes to a clerkgirl, she smiled really big, it was a sexually teasing moment for her because I was so slow and drowning. I was too shy to look her straight or quickly in the eyes, so I forced myself to look at the eyes, walking slowly upwards because it felt less painful or scary for me!

----

A deaf girl/woman does not need to do that much to meet somebody, they're usually waiting for somebody who can "overcome" their shortcomings.

Boys/men have to fix that for himself, as much he can. I have rejected some girls with normal hearing because they was either too bitchy or just too difficult to talk with, too passive, or somebody I didn't feel comfortable with. (low self esteems sucks).

Many girls have rejected me because I showed weakness or vulnerability, but I see that most people need some time to be comfortable with me, and it took me really long time to understand that some girls wasn't ready for me - for they have some issues.

It's really cruel to be deaf because it's a impending feeling of weakness and the impending feeling of vulnerability, and that's the most difficult thing a guy is forced to overcome it all by himself, building the self confidence by hard and tiresome labour. That's the fun most girls will miss!

kjay

I KNOW I'M LATE IN THIS CONVERSATION BUT I AM HEARING AND I WOULD LOVE TO DATE A DEAF MAN. LIKE ONE PERSON SAID I HAVE BEEN IN LOVE WITH THE DEAF COMMUNITY SINCE I WAS A YOUNG CHILD AND I STILL AM BUT WHERE ARE THEY CAUSE I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A DEAF MAN!

Bottesini

Oh, God.....

__________________

radioman

can you yell a bit louder please ? not sure If I heard (see) you yelling in caps.

now thees is a fweery interesting first phost.

TWA

lol!

Dixie

Unbelievable.

__________________
Oh, you will. It is all a dream and since matter cannot be created nor destroyed, the dreams must be real in all their myriad forms. -Beowulf
This Delicate Thing God Has Made
The world is measured in peasants; smaller than a unicorn but, bigger than a tidbit!

MidnightSun

Oh Sallylou you are so right and that word applies from the very beginning and ppls ability to adapt to change..ok, I was hearing then 7 yrs ago became deaf. Now I lip read really well and like Alex said get complimented on my good listening skills when I am really trying my best to catch every word by lip reading, this is when I date hearing men. For some reason they love my voice i can't hear myselfso who knows.. BUT and this is a big but (not mine) laughing...I notice I get ticked after a time because the hearing guy takes me out with his friends and I am expected to just blend right in. Now I am not a shy person and since I speak perfectly I can catch a word or two while a group are speaking and join in...they never know..here is the but, after some time my feelings change about not having my date clue me in on what I missed..(everyone is laughing but me???) sorta thing. I have also dated HOH and deaf men....both were successful career types and they were so interested in how I functioned so well being deaf, keep in mind my signing is poor...ok so..then with both of them there came a change...one wanted to
write everything down for me..UGH and it annoyed me and I asked them to please just speak to me..both spoke so that I could read their lips...the other guy who was completely deaf was agitated because I was not a good signer and after about 6 months he told me i was an embarrassment to him and just to damn much trouble...so I would agree it really is not if they are deaf or Hearing it is more who that person is..are they patient, attentive, are you both at the same intelligence level? and sooner or later Love will find a way
See I gotta believe that because a year ago I was attacked and had a traumatic Brain Injury I am almost back to normal...with a few limitations one being I can not remember or retain some information and wouldn't you know it my ASL is gone and as much as I try to relearn...nothing..so...I will be ready to date again soon but I am trusting that the right man will meet me and appreciate me for all that I do have to offer in a relationship..I still speak well and can still read lips so...we will see...I know I have adapted to my change..if I hadn't I would still be a victim of it...and so it goes...

MidnightSun

Ok I might get banned for talking to you again so i am responding to your question..after someone else's comment..this is ridiculous..Midnight♥♥♥

GrendelQ

Maybe the deaf community is just not that into you. There are plenty of communities in the sea, you'll find the exotic linguistically-connected culture of your dreams, just give it a little time.

__________________

ladysolitary85

I see nothing wrong dating a deaf or HOH man. I've wanted to but never tried to because I never came across one through the years lol.

I would think it would be nice to have someone who understands you in ways a lot of other hearing people couldn't.

But what I think it is with hearing women is some are just very narrow-minded and expects their ideal man to be perfect in every way. Those are the judgmental women I can't stand.

Can't judge a book by its cover, someone can be beautiful on the outside but ugly inside.

DeafCaroline

I have an idea why. Several years ago, a sister of a friend who was contracted to design a new hearing aid (she's a product designer) did a blind survey of hearing people's reactions to the sound of a deaf person speaking. Assumptions they made based on hearing that recording.

By far, women, when asked if they would want to have a conversation with a deaf person who spoke that way, they said no because they are uncomfortable about speaking with someone who sounded "retarded". Women are, by nature, communicators and they tend to be far more judgemental of someone who is not speaking clearly or is not able to keep up with what they're saying, either in social groups,, telephones, etc etc. The majority of the women who answered the questionnaire - admitted they would not go out of their way to befriend someone who can't hear and doesn't speak that well.

Men, on the other hand, they were much less judgemental.

Maybe that explains why all my childhood friends were boys. I was bullied the most by girls, not boys.

TWA

That's very interesting. And also very shallow.

DeafTim

So, it is very common for HOH and deaf guys to be single,right? If so,I wish most people would understand that.

I remember in my teen yrs,this girl really liked me but she made fun of my grammar. I dont have perfect grammar. She pretty much changed her feelings about me. Fookin' women! We did made out,tho. She pretty much denied it. I do think hearing women are embarrassed to be with a deaf guy b/c they probably think they can do better. They are afraid to be seen with a deaf guy. It is so stupid!

I am single and now I see why. Thanks for explanations. I never really have female friends and a lot of ppl dont understand why. It is not my choice to not have female friends. It is how life is,for deaf guys like me. So, I get judged. I ask God,why is it like this. Life is so weird.

I have to go to strip club when I want some female company and touching. I am 34,today and dont go very oft3n.

I think I deserve nothing but happiness but it doesnt work out that way. I guess I say **** the world.

kiyanalynn

as a hearing women
i think a fear is that he wont be able to make a living...

if i knew more signs i would totally go out with a deaf cutie

DeafTim

Very true.....I can feel vibe from women and read their minds. What are my chances now that I receive money from government? Gaurantee income each month. Women will always find excuses to not date deaf guys. It is how women are,making excuses.

Two excuses women make I can think of: He is too lazy,I serious read that somewhere here and I was stunned. Another excuse is, not enough money.It is always about money to women. #1 on the argument list of couples is money issue.

AlleyCat

Many of us women don't base our relationships on money. Some do, I totally get that. But many don't.

crazy

Sometime I do find women who would say they rather not date with deaf men. It could be many different reason. I think mostly its the fact they are not sure how to handle around deaf man. They may feel like we are "Handicapped" but we know its not true. There are many deaf people I've seen do make us look bad, when they are very intelligence yet, they go around begging for help and want to be treated as handicapped so they can save money or they don't want to be burden with responsibility. So therefore, a hearing woman would look at the deaf men and feel they would have to take care of us instead of taking care of them. Its not very often I would find hearing woman who would be willing to date deaf man like me. I'm always on a lookout for an intelligence beautiful hearing woman.

DeafCaroline

My ASL teacher told me that 90% of mixed couples (hearing/deaf) break up.

Beach girl

What's the context for that figure? 90% of such *marriages* break up, or 90% of dating couples, or what? And did she mean of couples who were in that hearing/deaf combination when they met, or of all such mixed couples, including those where one partner lost their hearing after the couple was married?

Thing is, I would not be surprised if 90% (or maybe even more) of all couples break up, if you're just talking about dating couples. It can take a lot of dating before a person finds the one to marry; from that standpoint, most everyone who is still single at age 35, say, has probably broken up with several partners by that time, regardless of hearing status.

Re: the financial issue, that probably does make a difference to women, and I don't think it automatically means they are shallow. Even today, women typically make less money than men. It's not shallow to wonder about how a man's lack of income will affect their lives together, especially if a woman is thinking about children. Does she want to stay home with the babies for a while, or would she feel comfortable being the sole support of the family while dad stays home? Does she make enough herself to be the sole support of a family?

Those are tricky questions to discuss, especially early on in a relationship, and especially if discussion is difficult due to hearing differences anyway.