Mark Gungor: Exerpt from his Laugh Your Way To Happy Marriage Part One

Part One:
That men and women tend to think very differently from each other. The reason this is significant is because we are very quick to make into heart problems what are essentially head problems.
In other words, a man thinks and acts and responds in a certain way. A woman doesn't understand it. She assumes he has a bad heart but it is not his heart, it is his head.
It is the same with women. Women think and act a certain way, a guy doesn't understand it. He thinks she doesn't care about me, she doesn't respect me. Again, it is not her heart, it is her head.
So I try to show couples that if they'll understand how they think very differently from each other, it helps in the process of succeeding with one another.
The truth is, once you understand why somebody does what they do, it changes everything. If you don't understand the why, you're only threatened by it.
But a lot of what we do in marriages is not a matter of right and wrong, it is just that they don't like it. It messes with you, and in a way it is supposed to mess with you.
I preached a message in my church not long ago entitled, "God Wants to Kill You." All right? Not the real you, but the selfish you. And there is nothing more designed to kill you than marriage -- [Laughing] because if you stay selfish, you cannot do it -- you cannot survive.
The reality is that most of the doings that we struggle with is just things we don't like. "I don't like the way she does it." "I don't like the way he does that." , we go crazy with each other.

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Anyway, so I start to talk about trying to get men and women to understand each other. What I describe is basic stereotypes. In other words, men generally think this way and women generally think this way but they don't all think that way. So I challenge people to interpolate for their own relationships.
One of the challenges of doing this is when you start describing every man in the world you have to use a pretty big brush. You know what I'm saying? -- Or every woman. But there are enough similarities that they kind of stand up. So I try and get couples to understand each other and how they think.
I start with men's brains. I explain that men's brains are made up of little boxes and we have a box for everything. We have a box for the car. We have a box for the money. We have a box for the job, a box for the kids, a box for you, a box for your mother somewhere in the basement.
And the rule is the boxes do not touch. All right? When a man discusses a particular subject, he goes to the appropriate box, slides it out, opens it up, will discuss only the content of that particular box and then when he is done, he puts it away hoping not to touch or disturb any of the other boxes.
Now a woman's brain is made up of a big ball of wire. It is like the Internet super highway where everything is connected to everything. And the car is, kids -- [mumbling] -- and she will start talking about one thing. "And I thought about this and my mom told me this and I -- la la la la."
And of course, the guy is going --." [looking confused] "What box are you in, man?" Because he can't follow her because men don't do that. We start with the one subject.

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But to women, everything is game because everything is connected to everything. Now all of this is driven by energy that we call emotion. It is one of the reasons why women tend to remember everything. Because it is a scientific fact if you take an event and connect it to an emotion, it will burn into your memory and you can remember it forever. The same thing happens for men, it just doesn't happen very often because quite frankly, we don't care. Women tend to care about everything!
Now we men have a box in our brains that most women are completely unaware of. This particular box has nothing in it. It is true.
In fact, we call it the "nothing box." And of all the boxes a man has in his brain, our nothing box is our favorite box! If a man has the opportunity, he will go to his nothing box every time. That's why a man can do something seemingly completely brain dead for hours on end. You know, like fishing.
And women don't understand this and it drives them crazy because nothing irritates a woman more than to witness a man doing nothing. Correct? Then she gets mad at him and quits talking to him.
It is the process of just doing nothing, thinking about nothing, reflecting about nothing. Women don't understand it.
She will see her husband in that glorious vegetative state -- and she will come up to him and say, "What are you thinking about?"
And he'll go, "Nothing!"
And she gets mad! "Well, you've got to be thinking about something!"
"No, I'm thinking about nothing. In fact, I was on a roll 'til you showed up!"
And women get really, really mad at their husbands because they're convinced, James, they're convinced we're withholding from them some deep emotional thought.
Nope, nothing! There ain't nothing there, man!
Now, a few years ago the University of Pennsylvania did a study with men's brains and women's brains and discovered that men, in fact, have the ability to think about absolutely nothing and still breathe.
In fact, they say, up to 70% of a man's brain activity just goes --(flatline noise on heart machine) -- and we love it.

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But women, they can't stop, their brains are constantly going [ddjt-ddjt-ddjt-ddjt]. They don't understand it. They can't relate to it. "How can you sit there and do nothing? What's the matter with you? What are you thinking about? What do you mean nothing? Come on!" And they get really bitter because they're convinced we're holding out on them.
When women understand that this is normal for men, he is not withholding from you, he is not robbing from you some great, deep, emotional truth, he is just a man, then they quit feeling so threatened by the behavior.
Again, if you don't know why somebody does something we start judging each other. Judging is when somebody does something and you don't know why they do it and then you give the reason why. It is called judging.
Why did he do that?
"Because he is a big fat stinking jerk! -- That's why!"
Well, you don't know that! Okay?
But we're filling in motives. And when you get into filling in motives, that's when we get ourselves in all kinds of trouble. Then women get mad and they quit talking to their husbands, which is kind of funny if you think about it.
A woman, in an effort to punish a man, -- stops talking to him.
It is like giving a bottle to a wino. He thinks, “This is great! I must be doing something right! Praise God! She's quiet.”
We don't understand and we start getting in all kinds of trouble. This effects how men and women handle stress.
When a man is stressed out, for example, the last thing in the world he wants to do is talk about it. He doesn't want to talk about it. He just wants to go to his nothing box and just chill out. Because this is how we unwind. We just want to get to a place where we think about nothing.

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But women are very different. When a woman is stressed out she has to talk about it. If she doesn't talk about it, her brain will explode. And then you've got brain everywhere and it is just disgusting!
Actually, the truth is, I saw a study in January that said if women do not talk when they're under stress it will physically damage their heart. It will increase their chance of stroke or heart attack. They have to talk about it.
But men get very nervous when women start talking about all their problems. I know guys who run from their wives when they do this. They'll start getting upset, "I don't like this -- " And they run from her.
I said, "Why do you run?"
He said, "I don't know what to tell her." Because that is the mistake men do. They think when a woman shares her problems they're obligated to help fix it.
But she doesn't want you to fix it. In fact, if you try and fix her, she is going to kill you.
She doesn't want your advice.
That is hard for a man to understand because a man only shares his problems with another man in hopes the man will help fix it.
But she doesn't want you to fix it; she just wants you to hear it. She is trying to talk it through.
Now stop and think about how we get ourselves in trouble. They love each other. Right? So a man senses his wife is stressed out. He loves the girl so he offers to the girl his best answer to stress, "Quit thinking about it."
"Quit talking about it."
That's when she starts reaching for the knives... to stab you to death.

But women do the same thing. A woman senses that her husband is stressed out. She loves the boy, she cares -- so she offers to him her best solution to stress, "Talk to me! Why won't you talk to me? James, talk to me!"
And he doesn't want to talk to you. He's running for his life.

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When they start understanding the why, it changes everything. I tell in my book the story of a young boy. Throughout all his life his chore was to feed grandpa his lunch. Grandpa was in a wheelchair. It was always a chore because he was a slob; he couldn't eat very well. He was kind of messy.
By the time the kid became a teenager he had had it. He came in and announced to his mom one day, "I'm not doing this anymore. From now on, you feed grandfather."
And she said, "Well, you're a young man now. Sit down and I want to tell you why your grandfather is the way he is today.”
“There was a fire when you were a little boy. Your daddy thought you were upstairs with me and I thought you were downstairs with him. We both ran out.”
“It was your grandfather, who was visiting at the time, that was the first to realize you weren't there. In a split second he ran back into the house. He found you, wrapped you in wet cloths, and went through all these flames to get out. And of course, he was severely damaged because of saving your life that day. He is the way he is today because of the day he saved your life."
Well, instantaneously that teenage boy goes, without another word, and from then on just did his chore.

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When you understand why things are the way they are, it helps. It changes everything while at the same time changing nothing.
Steven Covey tells this story about how he was -- I'm not sure I got it exactly right but in essence he was on a subway train in New York City. They come to the stop and this guy hops on this train with his three kids. He sits down next to Covey and just throws his head back and closes his eyes and the train takes off.
Well, the kids are hellions; they're bothering everybody, hitting newspapers, running all over the place. Everybody is highly irritated at this guy.
Finally Covey says to them, "Dude, can't you take care of your kids?"
And he sat up and he goes, "I'm so sorry, everybody. We just came from the hospital; their mother just died and I guess we're not handling it very well."
Well, what happens? Everything changes in the car even though nothing really changed at all. The kids were still problematic but everybody understood the behavior and they worked to help the kids through it.
Again, when you understand why people behave the way they behave it changes the atmosphere. That's what happens at my seminar and that's what happens when people look at my materials or read the book.

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Actually, it is not about laughing in your marriage, a lot of people think that because of the title.
"Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage" is really about the process of learning, it is how I teach people. I do it for two reasons. One reason is if you do something emotionally when you're learning something, it burns into your memory and you can remember it forever, laughter is one of those things.
I have a totally different kind of conference. There are no workbooks, no note taking, no emotional break outs, nothing like the typical marriage seminar. But yet the vast majority of people can tell you all the main points because they laughed when they learned it. That is the number one reason we do it.
The first thing I do is try to relate to men, which is the other reason that I use the laughter thing -- that is reason number two. I try to get men involved in the process.
Men don't want to go to most marriage seminars; there are lots of reasons for that. One reason is that most seminars have been so slanted from a female perspective that these seminars beat up on men, quite frankly, for not being women. “You need to be more emotional. You need to be in touch with your feelings. You've got to go shopping!” All this kind of stuff. This is ridiculous!
Really, if you ask most women to describe their ideal man, listen to them, they'll describe another woman.
They do!
And the reality is men make really terrible girlfriends. We make great husbands; we make great men.
So my thing is to validate the male experience. There are no workbooks in my seminar, there are no emotional break-out sessions; you don't have to speak in front of a group, all of those things that are hell to most men. I call my seminar extremely friendly to men because they don't have to do anything. They just laugh, listen, and learn and it draws them in.
And do women like these seminars?
Women love it! They do! You wouldn't think so, but they do.
Why do they like it?
Because they finally understand men.
Most seminars are trying to get men to understand women. It is an exercise in futility. Who would think of that? They'll never get it.
But men are pretty simple. We're not terribly deep. Do you know what I'm talking about? So I get women to understand men because, let's face it, women have the power. Anyone who has been around us for a long time knows that the girls have the power.

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But if they understand the keys to succeeding with a man, a woman can get pretty much whatever she needs out of the guy if she will understand him. So I spend more time trying to explain men to women than vice versa.
So the women can get what they want.
They also learn that their guy is not the only one that acts the way he acts and that all men act that way?
Yes! It's very liberating for women because they're convinced their husband is demon possessed. And why did I get this one? You know what I'm saying?
But when I start describing all men are kind of this way, women start going, "Thank heavens! I thought it was me!"
I start showing them how they can succeed with men. It is pretty easy actually.
Tell us some of the ways that men are similar that we should not feel bad about and women should understand. Because help us all!
Let me just say this now, there are not many marriages laughing and they're not happy. They don't talk, they don't communicate, they just exist. To me it is very, very sad; it breaks my heart.
It’s because they get so frustrated and angry with each other.
The reason I spend so much time trying to get women to understand is that they are the ones who are the angriest and the most bitter; 80% of all divorces in America, including the church, are filed by women. It is the women who have had it up to here. They can't take it anymore because all of their expectations, all that they're hoping for is not realized and they just can't take it anymore.
I come in and I'm turning the lights on for them and say, look, this is what men are really like. This is what you can really expect. And this is how you can start succeeding with this guy. And they love it and they embrace it.
The men finally feel validated now instead of always being beat up for being men. We're not celebrated for being men. I don't think men are broken, twisted, broken perverts, I just think we're men.
I think we've been this way for thousands of years. Do you think we were any different 2,000 years ago? I don't think so!

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Now here's the funny thing, women do have a positive impact on men and women can help improve men. What they don't understand is that it is a very long process. The good news is you can eventually get us to where you want us. The bad news is then we die because it took so long.
What are some of the things that you think women should understand are typical and normal and acceptable about us?
Number one: how to get a guy to do what you want him to do. Big money here! Okay, girls?
Number one: ask for what you want. Now that stands awfully simplistic but you'd be surprised at how many women are listening right now that are thinking, "Well, if he really loved me, I wouldn't have to ask!" Which is absurd! Men are not mind readers. We do not have E.S.P. We have E.S.P.N. which is a whole different thing! Okay, so number one, ask for what you want.
Number two: you need to ask more than once. Asking a man to do something once is like never having asked him to do it at all!
And this makes women crazy.
When I was first studying this, I didn't believe it. I really didn't. I thought, well, this can't be true. I'm married to a woman who has no problem asking me more than once. So when I first studied this, I thought, this can't be true. I went out and interviewed some women. I came to the first lady and said, "Let me ask you a question. Do you have a hard time getting your husband to do stuff for you?"
She said, "Pastor, you have no idea! I asked that man to paint the ceiling back in October and it is March and he hadn't done it!" She was just getting mad telling me about it. Okay?
Well then I asked her this question, "How many times did you ask him to do it?"
She stared at me like a dog at a new dish. You know? She said, "Once!"
I said, "Once? Why wouldn't you ask more than once?"
"I shouldn't have to!" She just got as mad as she could.
So I went and found another woman. I asked her, "Do you have a hard time getting your husband to do stuff for you?"
She said, "Pastor, you have no idea! I will take the laundry and stick it in the middle of the living room and I'll say, 'Honey, put away your laundry." And he doesn't do it. It will sit there for a month! He will walk around it. He'll step over it."
I'll never forget, she folded her arms and said, "Pastor, can't men see laundry?" I said, "Yeah, we can see it, we just don't care!"
But I didn't care about that. I asked, "How many times did you ask him to do it?"
She gave me that same startled look. "Once!"
I couldn't believe it. I said, "Why wouldn't you ask him more than once?"
"I shouldn't have to!"
All the women I asked had the same response. So my response to ladies is, “Guess what? You have to! Just asking once isn't getting anywhere.”
And then thirdly, don't insult when you ask. A lot of women, even Christian women feel led of the Lord to use insult as a way to motivate a man. "What's the matter with you? Can't you pick up the laundry?"
"Nope! I can't! I'm sorry."
"Hey, hey, hey! Is that your underwear?"
"Better be!"
So they insult.
All right, now hold on a second because I've already got a bunch of women mad at me in the crowd already. Forget about your husband for a second.
Let me ask you about your relationship with God. If you want something from God, what do you have to do?
Number one, you have to ask for what you want. Even though Jesus taught us that God, unlike your husbands, knows what you want before you ask him, but if you don't ask him, you're not getting Jack squat out of God. Okay?
Number two, Jesus said you need to ask more than once. That proves God is a man right there.
Argument over, man, I'm telling you!
Jesus taught us to ask. Keep on asking. Knock, keep on knocking.
Okay, number three. You don't insult God when he doesn't move as quick as you think he should.
Hey!

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Now think about this for a minute. Millions of Christian women try to hold their husbands to a higher standard than God almighty! And you wonder why you're all so mad all of the time. Just chill out a little bit!
They'll do that with God but not with that man, “I shouldn't have to.” Oh, my goodness gracious.
Number four, train him with positive reinforcement.
Now how do you train a man?
Training a man is like training a chimpanzee. All right?
Now what does that mean?
If you're a trainer and the chimp does what you want you give him a reward. If he doesn't do what you want, you just don't give him a reward. You don't beat up the monkey, you'll freak him out. You know what I'm saying?
Because when you come around you'll have a freaked out ape running from you.
So the question is how does a woman reward a man?
By appreciating the pathetic things that he does. Okay? Because men love to be appreciated. Don't they? We live for respect. We're all about it.
My wife trains me this way saying, "Thank you, dear. I appreciate you." That kind of thing.
I was at home by myself and I've actually gotten trained to the point I can put away a dirty dish in a dishwasher. Right? I went over to the dishwasher and opened it up but it was full of clean dishes and that's a moral dilemma to a man. I'm like --
Finally, it dawns on my little brain to empty the dishwasher. So without being asked I emptied the dishwasher and then I stick around because I want to see what happens. My wife comes in and she's like [la la-la, la la] and she goes to empty the dishwasher and goes, "Ah! You emptied the dishwasher!" And she comes up to me, "You're such a good husband!"
See, I eat it up. By all rights she could have said, "Well, it’s about stinking time! I do this every day! You do it one time and you want a reward? Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!"
That's exactly the way a lot of women treat their husbands.
The women who do this realize these guys are drawn to doing things when they get appreciation.
Here is the deal.
Women tend to only want to appreciate unexpected kindness. If it is unexpected they will light up. Oh! If it is expected -- splbb! Which is a problem!

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All right, so here is the way I can test it. If I go down to a local department store and see a woman coming with her husband in tow, if I, as a complete stranger, open the door for her, she goes, "Oh, thank you very much!" But if her husband, the love of her life, the father of her children, opens the door for her it is like, "Hurry up! Get out of the way!" They don't respond much. That's when they get themselves in trouble.
Women have to actually go out of the way to think beyond just the unexpected.
Now, I challenge men, get a clue, women like unexpected. Try to find unexpected things. I told my guys, I want to write a book, “365 Unexpected Things A Man Can Do for A Woman.” Then I thought about it, “52 Unexpected Things --,”
I don't know what I was thinking -- it was a weak moment, brother! It was a weak moment. I slipped there for a minute.
Women love unexpected -- but if you only respond to unexpected you'll find that he will quit being as responsive to you.
And then finally, number five: barter with him -- barter with him. Men love to barter; it is the language of men. Most seminars beat up on guys for not learning the language of women. Forget about it! If women will learn the language of men they can succeed and it is very simple.
You are aware of something he wants to do and you have something you want him to do for you, so you say, "Honey, would you like to do this thing you would like to do?"
And he goes, "Yeah."
"Well, do this for me and you can do that."
Most men love that but women are very offended by it. They say, "That's just manipulation."
No, no! To a man that is motivation.

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I get static from women and some pastors for saying the kind of things I just said because they believe you shouldn't have to have any kind of reward system to get men to act a certain way. "That is unscriptural -- it is very unbiblical. If you really love God --." But it is all baloney.
God has always dealt with men with incentive. From the very beginning God says if you do this I'll give you that. If you do this I'll give you that. You don't do this I'll kick your butt! So we see it. Right? Heaven and hell, pretty big incentive program going. Right? Even in the book of Revelation, "To him who overcomes, I will give him this. If you'll overcome, I'll give you that." Over and over and over again he says it.
One day Jesus says to these men, "Give." If he had been talking to women he would have been done. Right?
The reason the Bible is so thick is it is written for men. You need to get all of the incentives in. So, one word for the command, "Give."
Then he goes into "And it shall be given to you pressed down, shaken --." 36 words for the promise, one word for the command.
Don't tell me that it is unscriptural to use incentive to motivate men. God has always condemned a lot of things about men but never his need for reward. I try to get women to understand because they don't talk about this in these women's conferences. I've been to them; I call them "Estrogen Fests."

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...
But she doesn't want you to fix it; she just wants you to hear it. She is trying to talk it through.
Now stop and think about how we get ourselves in trouble. They love each other. Right? So a man senses his wife is stressed out. He loves the girl so he offers to the girl his best answer to stress, "Quit thinking about it."
"Quit talking about it."
That's when she starts reaching for the knives... to stab you to death.

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Bramus said:

thanks for separating the posts it made it a lot easier to read than a wall of text.

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Bramus said:

My girlfriend and I had this conversation not 2 weeks ago. If only I'd read this beforehand >.<

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Buffalo said:

Interesting!

I do have a problem praising a man for doing small stuff because I would feel that I am treating him as a little boy which I don't want to.

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