Husband's ex

deafbajagal · 08-29-2009, 07:34 PM

Okay, folks. I'd like to hear your opinion on a certain situation. Actually two situations.

My husband has a child (9 years old) from a previous relationship...they were never married. They broke up when the child was less than 2 and he moved to another state.

Situation 1.
Now he's married to me. (I have two girls from a previous marriage). Recently we went to his parents' house. There is a picture of his ex on the wall...and then when we went to his grandparents' house, the first picture on the hall wall was that of him with his ex. I was not really mad or offended, but I felt it was at least disrespectful and inconsiderate. Then, to make matters worse, his entire family keeps asking me about HER. You see, we're both from the same high school...for some odd reason, his family thinks it's okay to ask me about her. I was disappointed that my husband didn't step in to stop it (in a nice way)...so I just remained polite and changed the subject when I could.

What do you think? Am I making too big of a deal out of this? Why do I all of the sudden feel like wife #2?

Situation 2:
His ex allowed him to see his son whenever he wanted (with notice, of course). She has always been very jealous of any women he dated...she would talk bad about the person, etc. She is engaged to another man...they already have a 2 year old baby and she is pregnant with another one. Anyways, when she found out he was with me, she suddenly dropped a bomb and refuses to let him see his son. She also specifically told me that I must break up with him if I wanted him to have a relationship with his son. Most of you who know me, know I don't let people push me around. Anyways we got married. She insisted we get a divorce. We are now moving back to the same state she lives in...and we both will be working together in the same school. She said that since we were living in another state that it was not easy for her son, etc. Because of this...I quit one of the best jobs ever and took a $27,000 pay cut to move back.

She insists that I can never, ever see him (I know him well- he used to play with my oldest). His ex and I were never good friends, just mere deaf girls who are facebook kind of friends.

My mother-in-law advises that my husband goes to her house once a week to spend an hour with him, with her there. That she hopes that his ex would let his son back into his life. Maybe the three of them (him, son, and ex) could do things together, etc.

I don't think this is a good idea. She's a control freak and very jealous. I want to get a lawyer and let the court handle it. To make matters more complicated, his son is ausitic...so it's very important he has consistency with his schedule and routine.

What do you think?

Lighthouse77 · 08-29-2009, 07:45 PM

I know that in-laws never really like divorces, and they do tend to keep the picture of the mother of their grandchildren. But I don't think there is anything you can do to get them accept their divorce. Your hubby will have to keep on making it clear that they are never going back together again.

I'm surprised that the ex. can even look back... if a divorce happened with me, I don't think the relationship would ever be the same. anyway, with a child with Autism, I think she will eventually will ask for the father's help or even a break.

Dodge Trucker · 08-29-2009, 08:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by deafbajagal

My husband has a child (9 years old) from a previous relationship...they were never married. They broke up when the child was less than 2 and he moved to another state.

Situation 1.
Now he's married to me. (I have two girls from a previous marriage). Recently we went to his parents' house. There is a picture of his ex on the wall...and then when we went to his grandparents' house, the first picture on the hall wall was that of him with his ex. I was not really mad or offended, but I felt it was at least disrespectful and inconsiderate. Then, to make matters worse, his entire family keeps asking me about HER. You see, we're both from the same high school...for some odd reason, his family thinks it's okay to ask me about her. I was disappointed that my husband didn't step in to stop it (in a nice way)...so I just remained polite and changed the subject when I could.

What do you think? Am I making too big of a deal out of this? Why do I all of the sudden feel like wife #2?

Hmm...well..For this situation..I would have to say that you ARE going to other people's houses and you certainly have no right to assume/tell the household owners to take down pictures. It's just PICTURES. You can be ABOVE that. If you see a picture..you can just chill because if you and your husband are SOLID..what are you worried about?? If other family members asks you about the ex, you can simply give them no information. For example: Family member "Have you heard or what has Jane Doe done this time or said this time?" You say "hmm..you know..I really do not keep in contact with her so I am not the person to ask." That signifies you are "out of the loop" and that you are NOT a source of information. If they press the issue, then you AGAIN say you are not in contact and also say that you are not having this conversation. You can't get any more blunt than that.

Quote:

Situation 2:
His ex allowed him to see his son whenever he wanted (with notice, of course). She has always been very jealous of any women he dated...she would talk bad about the person, etc. She is engaged to another man...they already have a 2 year old baby and she is pregnant with another one. Anyways, when she found out he was with me, she suddenly dropped a bomb and refuses to let him see his son. She also specifically told me that I must break up with him if I wanted him to have a relationship with his son. Most of you who know me, know I don't let people push me around. Anyways we got married. She insisted we get a divorce. We are now moving back to the same state she lives in...and we both will be working together in the same school. She said that since we were living in another state that it was not easy for her son, etc. Because of this...I quit one of the best jobs ever and took a $27,000 pay cut to move back.

She insists that I can never, ever see him (I know him well- he used to play with my oldest). His ex and I were never good friends, just mere deaf girls who are facebook kind of friends.

My mother-in-law advises that my husband goes to her house once a week to spend an hour with him, with her there. That she hopes that his ex would let his son back into his life. Maybe the three of them (him, son, and ex) could do things together, etc.

I don't think this is a good idea. She's a control freak and very jealous. I want to get a lawyer and let the court handle it. To make matters more complicated, his son is ausitic...so it's very important he has consistency with his schedule and routine.

What do you think?

First off..BLESS YOUR HEART for taking such a HUGE pay cut. I, personally, could not do that big of a leap. Your heart is BIG!
Hmmm..well I hate to tell you this but I speak from experience..my parents are STILL the same way how you and her are. You are in the law of the land...NOTHING. You have no legal hold over the kid(s) unless you are a certified court ordered/accepted legal guardian. It is your husband and the mother of his kid who needs to do the bickering in the eyes of the law. You can maybe have a serious debate with your husband and tell him he needs to STEP UP and protect your interests and put a stop to this madness. He needs to be the one doing the "business side" of it all (in the eyes of the law). Now as threats coming from the ex...you also have no legal recourse unless you have actual written text from her (email..handwriting..voicemail..etc etc) then you can go after for slander and/or terrostic threats depending on the seriousness.
Now..as for your husband, son, ex being at HER house without you..I would reccommend against that. He's walking into her web if you understand it.

Perhaps it's time for you and hubby to sit down and lay out all your cards on the table and deal?

Just my 2 cents

sallylou · 08-29-2009, 09:54 PM

Your inlaws were not as sensitive as they could have been. It's unfortunate that your inlaws have *sensitivity fail* but some people lack social skills. I wouldn't take their cluelessness personally. It's not a reflection on you. You are wife #2 but that doesn't make you less special to your husband than you are.

Consult an attorney asap. The mother cannot keep the father from having possession of his child without showing that he is an unfit parent (which he is not). Have the court order modified. Expect the child support provision to be modified as well as the possession. In most states, the visitation is standard (by statute), as are the support payments. You need to consult an attorney in your state. The sooner that you have this settled, the less stress that you will have in your marriage. Since there is personal animosity between the ex/mother and you, the terms of switching the possession should be clearly spelled out. It needs to be designed for the least amount of friction. For example, the exchange may take place in a public location, a neutral third party may pick up the child instead of you or hubby, the child may be picked up at school, etc.

Good luck!

Phillips · 08-29-2009, 09:55 PM

I didnt mean say!! Maybe Red flag??

However... Just Careful!

souggy · 08-29-2009, 10:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by deafbajagal

Okay, folks. I'd like to hear your opinion on a certain situation. Actually two situations.

My husband has a child (9 years old) from a previous relationship...they were never married. They broke up when the child was less than 2 and he moved to another state.

Situation 1.
Now he's married to me. (I have two girls from a previous marriage). Recently we went to his parents' house. There is a picture of his ex on the wall...and then when we went to his grandparents' house, the first picture on the hall wall was that of him with his ex. I was not really mad or offended, but I felt it was at least disrespectful and inconsiderate.

My grandparents still have pictures of me, my dad and my mom together. They don't have a picture of her and my stepdad because-- well, I came from my biological dad. However they do have a picture of my stepdad, my mom and my half-sister. They sure don't have a picture of me and my stepdad anywhere in the house though.

They also got pictures of my biological dad and my mom, and a separate one of my mom and my stepdad.

So, maybe it's normal?

Babyblue · 08-29-2009, 10:50 PM

Oh wow.

First of all.. In situation 1 The pictures are showing that she is still a part of his mothers life.. she is the mother of their grandchildren.

In Situation 2. She is keeping the kids from you because she is afraid that you might take her place. Which is untrue. Her kids know who their Momma is. If she wants the kids to be a part of their fathers live. That includes you. Especially now that she has another man helping her raise those two kids. She is trying to exclude you from the picture.

Second half of situation 2.

I am flabbergasted. She suggested that to you? As both set of parents to get together, or just your husband and his ex alone to get together as a "family"?

If it is both parties fine. But him and her alone. No.. Because that will send the wrong message to the kids that Mommy and Daddy are back together. When they are not.

Cheri · 08-29-2009, 10:51 PM

That's incredibly insensitive of the family in law to keep the picture of her son's ex up on the walls, if her son had obviously moved on, then they should too. If it had happened to me, I would have found it very insulting and disrespectful.

The mother of your husband's son is definitely a controlling freak, She has no say in this, she cannot keep her son away from his own father unless he is unfit, in order to do so, she has to take him to court to stop the visitations and provide proof that he's unfit. Believe me the cops won't do anything if she calls the cops on your husband. The cops would ask for documents from court that shows that he cannot see his son.

So yeah, contact an attorney and get this settle. I wish you all the best of luck and I'm sorry that you're going through all this crap. She needs to mind her own business regardless of your relationship with her ex.

radioman · 08-30-2009, 10:12 AM

this is a dear Abby type of a thing. However- having seen other Friends having divorces and etc, I never seem to grasp the concept of all the issues they were having as it never happened to me. However I will say that having pics up of the "mother" of his kids with him in the pic does seem rude. Perhaps you can look for a picture or offer to take a new one of her and their kid and use that to replace the picture with.

As for your in-laws asking you about her, that is downright rude. I probably would say , I am not sure what or how she is doing since I am not her mother and she is no longer Friends with me since I have married your son.

As for situation 2 - this is pretty sticky and gray area. Not knowing enough about your life and hers, I believe that any advice you take from strangers could very easily backfire, including this one.

I wish the best for you and hope you can eventually figure it out from your heart.

rockin'robin · 08-30-2009, 10:35 AM

What I would do in this case, is to casually say "We're having our pictures taken....and will give you a big 8x10, or whatever for ur family photos." And joke and say, "Hope you won't put it in the bathroom"!.....

I would make "no mention" of the ex's pictures on the wall! I'm sure (hopefully) the family has not thought of taking them down....not to be rude, just forgeteness.....Today's society is full of ex's, formers, steps....etc. ...It's hard to keep up.

If you've already given them a picture for the wall, and they have not put it up....ask ur husband to do it whenever you go over there for dinner, etc.!

As for them trying to get you into a conversation about the "ex"...Stand ur Ground!....I would sweetly say...over and over...."She's a nice person. I don't know or didn't know her that well."....Never "talk bad" about the ex!....The family might "defend" her...some of them probably still like her and wish she was still a part of the family!

You might have to "work harder" in this situation....but always remmy YOU are in this family NOW, she isn't!...Ur husband is in a position. too!...He'll appreciate this is you handle it with "class", not anger.....all in all, I would not show one iota of an emotion whenever I would see her pix on the wall!

deafbajagal · 08-30-2009, 04:53 PM

Thank you for your responses.

sallylou · 08-30-2009, 05:01 PM

Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

AlleyCat · 08-30-2009, 05:14 PM

Sounds as if you are in a difficult situation. I wish you luck with getting everything resolved!

I only want to add that I second the post that referred about the ex being the child's mother -- she always will be, and I assume that's the reason behind the grandparents keeping her picture up -- she is also the mother of their grandchildren. I'm betting that picture is not coming down.

Oceanblue7 · 09-13-2009, 02:08 PM

I sure hope it gets better. Reading about the in-laws still having a pic of the ex, is totally wrong and disrespectful. They can always hang school pics or other types of pics of the child. The in-laws know better you are married to their son, no need to be questioning about the ex. If they want to know, why not they reach out to her personally, sounds like they are just giving you a hard time. Yes, you are right , your husband need to step in and say, right now is not the right time to bring this up.

Situation #2 The ex wanting your husband to get a divorce? She needs a reality check. She needs to allow your husband to see the child no matter what. I suggest, get a court deal for visitation rights, that way you will have no issues with the ex. I sure hope it works out.

08-29-2009, 07:34 PM	#1 (permalink)
deafbajagal Jasmine's Tiger "Lilly" Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: USA Posts: 2,634	Husband's ex Okay, folks. I'd like to hear your opinion on a certain situation. Actually two situations. My husband has a child (9 years old) from a previous relationship...they were never married. They broke up when the child was less than 2 and he moved to another state. Situation 1. Now he's married to me. (I have two girls from a previous marriage). Recently we went to his parents' house. There is a picture of his ex on the wall...and then when we went to his grandparents' house, the first picture on the hall wall was that of him with his ex. I was not really mad or offended, but I felt it was at least disrespectful and inconsiderate. Then, to make matters worse, his entire family keeps asking me about HER. You see, we're both from the same high school...for some odd reason, his family thinks it's okay to ask me about her. I was disappointed that my husband didn't step in to stop it (in a nice way)...so I just remained polite and changed the subject when I could. What do you think? Am I making too big of a deal out of this? Why do I all of the sudden feel like wife #2? Situation 2: His ex allowed him to see his son whenever he wanted (with notice, of course). She has always been very jealous of any women he dated...she would talk bad about the person, etc. She is engaged to another man...they already have a 2 year old baby and she is pregnant with another one. Anyways, when she found out he was with me, she suddenly dropped a bomb and refuses to let him see his son. She also specifically told me that I must break up with him if I wanted him to have a relationship with his son. Most of you who know me, know I don't let people push me around. Anyways we got married. She insisted we get a divorce. We are now moving back to the same state she lives in...and we both will be working together in the same school. She said that since we were living in another state that it was not easy for her son, etc. Because of this...I quit one of the best jobs ever and took a $27,000 pay cut to move back. She insists that I can never, ever see him (I know him well- he used to play with my oldest). His ex and I were never good friends, just mere deaf girls who are facebook kind of friends. My mother-in-law advises that my husband goes to her house once a week to spend an hour with him, with her there. That she hopes that his ex would let his son back into his life. Maybe the three of them (him, son, and ex) could do things together, etc. I don't think this is a good idea. She's a control freak and very jealous. I want to get a lawyer and let the court handle it. To make matters more complicated, his son is ausitic...so it's very important he has consistency with his schedule and routine. What do you think?

08-29-2009, 07:45 PM	#2 (permalink)
Lighthouse77 Registered User Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 1,309	I know that in-laws never really like divorces, and they do tend to keep the picture of the mother of their grandchildren. But I don't think there is anything you can do to get them accept their divorce. Your hubby will have to keep on making it clear that they are never going back together again. I'm surprised that the ex. can even look back... if a divorce happened with me, I don't think the relationship would ever be the same. anyway, with a child with Autism, I think she will eventually will ask for the father's help or even a break. __________________ Good thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.

08-29-2009, 09:55 PM	#5 (permalink)
Phillips Lets ride horses! Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Spaceship Posts: 9,158 Blog Entries: 3	I didnt mean say!! Maybe Red flag?? However... Just Careful! __________________ *Enjoy life today, Yesterday has past and Tomorrow may never come.*

08-29-2009, 10:51 PM	#8 (permalink)
Cheri Prayers for my dad. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 22,615	That's incredibly insensitive of the family in law to keep the picture of her son's ex up on the walls, if her son had obviously moved on, then they should too. If it had happened to me, I would have found it very insulting and disrespectful. The mother of your husband's son is definitely a controlling freak, She has no say in this, she cannot keep her son away from his own father unless he is unfit, in order to do so, she has to take him to court to stop the visitations and provide proof that he's unfit. Believe me the cops won't do anything if she calls the cops on your husband. The cops would ask for documents from court that shows that he cannot see his son. So yeah, contact an attorney and get this settle. I wish you all the best of luck and I'm sorry that you're going through all this crap. She needs to mind her own business regardless of your relationship with her ex. __________________ God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow and sun without rain, But God did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears and light for the way.

09-13-2009, 02:08 PM	#14 (permalink)
Oceanblue7 Patriots Rock! Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: She Walks by faith not by sight Posts: 6,701 Blog Entries: 26	I sure hope it gets better. Reading about the in-laws still having a pic of the ex, is totally wrong and disrespectful. They can always hang school pics or other types of pics of the child. The in-laws know better you are married to their son, no need to be questioning about the ex. If they want to know, why not they reach out to her personally, sounds like they are just giving you a hard time. Yes, you are right , your husband need to step in and say, right now is not the right time to bring this up. Situation #2 The ex wanting your husband to get a divorce? She needs a reality check. She needs to allow your husband to see the child no matter what. I suggest, get a court deal for visitation rights, that way you will have no issues with the ex. I sure hope it works out. __________________ Ps.103:12 He washes our sins away into the ocean Brady's back "We have unfinished business to take care of" Randy Moss,#81, WR

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08-29-2009, 09:54 PM	#4 (permalink)
sallylou Registered User Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: My own private Idaho Posts: 2,090	Your inlaws were not as sensitive as they could have been. It's unfortunate that your inlaws have sensitivity fail but some people lack social skills. I wouldn't take their cluelessness personally. It's not a reflection on you. You are wife #2 but that doesn't make you less special to your husband than you are. Consult an attorney asap. The mother cannot keep the father from having possession of his child without showing that he is an unfit parent (which he is not). Have the court order modified. Expect the child support provision to be modified as well as the possession. In most states, the visitation is standard (by statute), as are the support payments. You need to consult an attorney in your state. The sooner that you have this settled, the less stress that you will have in your marriage. Since there is personal animosity between the ex/mother and you, the terms of switching the possession should be clearly spelled out. It needs to be designed for the least amount of friction. For example, the exchange may take place in a public location, a neutral third party may pick up the child instead of you or hubby, the child may be picked up at school, etc. Good luck!

08-29-2009, 10:50 PM	#7 (permalink)
Babyblue Registered User Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Florida Posts: 7,539	Oh wow. First of all.. In situation 1 The pictures are showing that she is still a part of his mothers life.. she is the mother of their grandchildren. In Situation 2. She is keeping the kids from you because she is afraid that you might take her place. Which is untrue. Her kids know who their Momma is. If she wants the kids to be a part of their fathers live. That includes you. Especially now that she has another man helping her raise those two kids. She is trying to exclude you from the picture. Second half of situation 2. I am flabbergasted. She suggested that to you? As both set of parents to get together, or just your husband and his ex alone to get together as a "family"? If it is both parties fine. But him and her alone. No.. Because that will send the wrong message to the kids that Mommy and Daddy are back together. When they are not.

08-30-2009, 10:12 AM	#9 (permalink)
radioman Registered User Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 793	this is a dear Abby type of a thing. However- having seen other Friends having divorces and etc, I never seem to grasp the concept of all the issues they were having as it never happened to me. However I will say that having pics up of the "mother" of his kids with him in the pic does seem rude. Perhaps you can look for a picture or offer to take a new one of her and their kid and use that to replace the picture with. As for your in-laws asking you about her, that is downright rude. I probably would say , I am not sure what or how she is doing since I am not her mother and she is no longer Friends with me since I have married your son. As for situation 2 - this is pretty sticky and gray area. Not knowing enough about your life and hers, I believe that any advice you take from strangers could very easily backfire, including this one. I wish the best for you and hope you can eventually figure it out from your heart.

08-30-2009, 10:35 AM	#10 (permalink)
rockin'robin Registered User Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Jacksonville, Florida Posts: 2,782	What I would do in this case, is to casually say "We're having our pictures taken....and will give you a big 8x10, or whatever for ur family photos." And joke and say, "Hope you won't put it in the bathroom"!..... I would make "no mention" of the ex's pictures on the wall! I'm sure (hopefully) the family has not thought of taking them down....not to be rude, just forgeteness.....Today's society is full of ex's, formers, steps....etc. ...It's hard to keep up. If you've already given them a picture for the wall, and they have not put it up....ask ur husband to do it whenever you go over there for dinner, etc.! As for them trying to get you into a conversation about the "ex"...Stand ur Ground!....I would sweetly say...over and over...."She's a nice person. I don't know or didn't know her that well."....Never "talk bad" about the ex!....The family might "defend" her...some of them probably still like her and wish she was still a part of the family! You might have to "work harder" in this situation....but always remmy YOU are in this family NOW, she isn't!...Ur husband is in a position. too!...He'll appreciate this is you handle it with "class", not anger.....all in all, I would not show one iota of an emotion whenever I would see her pix on the wall!

08-30-2009, 04:53 PM	#11 (permalink)
deafbajagal Jasmine's Tiger "Lilly" Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: USA Posts: 2,634	Thank you for your responses.

08-30-2009, 05:01 PM	#12 (permalink)
sallylou Registered User Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: My own private Idaho Posts: 2,090	Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

08-30-2009, 05:14 PM	#13 (permalink)
AlleyCat Chicken in a Cat Suit Join Date: Jun 2005 Posts: 2,736	Sounds as if you are in a difficult situation. I wish you luck with getting everything resolved! I only want to add that I second the post that referred about the ex being the child's mother -- she always will be, and I assume that's the reason behind the grandparents keeping her picture up -- she is also the mother of their grandchildren. I'm betting that picture is not coming down.

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