In Love....With Her Father-in-law.....

rockin'robin · 08-24-2009, 11:50 PM

A friend of mine, who is 40....divorsed with 2 kids. Her ex moved out of state several years ago. Her father-in-law, and grandfather to her 2 kids, is in his late 50's. He's always helped her financially with her kids. Her ex could never keep a job.

She was laid off several months ago. And moved in with the father-in-law.

When I saw her recently....(her son is a friend of my son)....she came over to chat for awhile. Telling me everything that was happening with her. And I got the "shock" of my life when she confided to me she was "in love" with her father-in-law!....She cried.

She asked me not to "judge" her....I was and still am, at loss for words! She is a very likable and fun person, good mother. We get along fine, and before she told me all this, we would go shopping together at times, keep each others kids often.

I'm still at a loss of words about this situation! If she marries the father-in-law, he's still her kids grandfather......He pays all the bills for her....she's finally found another job, working with children with learning disabilities.

As weird and crazy as this world is....this situation threw me for a loop!

What do you guys think?

Chuck · 08-25-2009, 04:19 AM

Women tend to connect with men that are mostly around. Kind of like a woman only dating friends of her brothers simply because she stays home all the time because that's the only guys she sees on a constant basis.

She's found another job, tell her to find another man at her workplace. Father in law is just too creepy.

inspirabull · 08-26-2009, 12:02 AM

What is shocking about it? She is a mature woman- her heart has spoken. He is a man who cares about her and for her in the ways that count the most. Why should they not have the happiness they deserve in a life that is way too damn short? He is not her father, he is her father-in-law, there is no incest.
It actually makes more sense than hoping to find a stepdad that will love those kids as much their grandfather. As for the age difference? Not all of us men age out the same way and a having a younger woman that loves him? He will probably last 20 years longer than he would have and still be virile too. So while it is a little different it not really that shocking and is ultimately practical for both. It just takes a little getting used to on your part. People who are doing things a little different need friends too. It not like something evil is going on.... smiles...

Oceanbreeze · 08-26-2009, 12:19 AM

I'm with the first poster. This situation is very unhealthy both for her and the children! It sounds to me like she fell in love with him on the basis of need rather than a true attraction. It really sounds like this woman is in serious need of some counseling and the sooner she gets it, the better!

sallylou · 08-26-2009, 12:26 PM

It's not illegal to marry your former FIL. It's unusual but the son is out of the picture here. I'd wish be a friend and wish her the best. Who am I to judge?

PowerON · 08-26-2009, 03:23 PM

I have know that my brother's ex-wife was hitting on me. I refuse accept her. I never knew she hit on me until later, I realize. Geez.

Jiro · 08-26-2009, 03:25 PM

well..... they're not blood-related so.......

Jiro · 08-26-2009, 03:35 PM

robin - your friend confided in you with her extremely embarrassing and a highly judgmental story. You do realize how much emotional strain it is for her to confide in you? I do have quite a share of shocking stories that my friends confided in me but I do not judge them because I'm not a moral police. What your friend is seeking for is a validation. a strength. or anything to see the reason of her doing because she is probably very confused about herself.

rockin'robin · 08-26-2009, 10:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jiro

robin - your friend confided in you with her extremely embarrassing and a highly judgmental story. You do realize how much emotional strain it is for her to confide in you? I do have quite a share of shocking stories that my friends confided in me but I do not judge them because I'm not a moral police. What your friend is seeking for is a validation. a strength. or anything to see the reason of her doing because she is probably very confused about herself.

Ur right, Jiro....she's looking for my acceptance, but I cannot totally give it to her....She knows I'm a strong woman, raising 3 boys.
Her own kids, a boy, age 12 and a girl, age 10, are growing up, and I'm sure they know what's going on....
My opinion is that she lacks the confidence in herself to live alone with her kids and being able to pay the bills. I've told her she could apply for help, and child support from the father.....but she's done nothing! She loves her kids, and gives them all they need, but emotionally, I think she might destory them.

She's not only confused, she's confusing her kids....I've decided not to pass judgement, her kids are always welcome in my home.....but now, when I "really" look at her, I don't quite like what I'm seeing.....our friendship has suffered over this!
To each their own....She knows she cannot get any validation from me, I'm not able to give it, sorry! But I'll remain her "friend", but not a "close" friend.

Must be a lot of confusion in their home!

inspirabull · 08-27-2009, 12:50 AM

As a long term single man I have made the choice more than once to forgo a relationship with a woman of her age with children of that age. Believe me the last thing kids that age are willing to accept is a new man they do not know boffing their mom let alone be a stepdad. Confusion? How about plain old hate? Kids can be amazingly understanding when there is long term stability,
love, and familiarity. The lady wants a real life that works for her and her kids. You are seeing it as something that is at the kids expense, but is it? They probably love their Grandpa way more than their own father and now she does too. There is a good possibility she is just validating what they already think.

yizuman · 08-27-2009, 12:58 AM

I can see a scenario going like this if the kids are old enough to go to school...

"Hey guys, guess what? My mother is gonna marry my grandpa!!!"

Yiz

inspirabull · 08-27-2009, 10:15 AM

If there was one thing we did not do it was talk about what was going on with parents, except maybe with very closest friends and even then nope that was mostly off limits. It was one thing to talk about what we were allowed to do are could get away with but actually talk about them as people? Shoot most of us had things going on at home that we didn't want to talk about.

***Brian*** · 08-27-2009, 10:46 AM

It could be that your friend didn't have a great relationship with her father? It is known that some females fall in love/feel attracted to their current/former fathers-in-law and even their step-fathers. It could be a temporary thing, who knows? If I were you, I wouldn't abandon my friendship with her because of her unusual feelings for her father-in-law. She needs all the support she gets from her friends.

JamieLynn · 08-27-2009, 12:10 PM

Difficult situation and difficult to just judge whether it is right or not for your friend to have a relationship with her father-in-law since we don't really know whom they are (what kind of people they are).

I'd say, if both are comfortable with one another (as long as they take into consideration into which situation they put the children/grandchildren) there shouldn't be any restraints and nobody should judge them. Children feel comfortable + couple feels comfortable = happiness...

I can understand you wanting to keep somewhat your distance and no, you don't need to give her your consent regarding her relationship with her father-in-law (people have different POVs anyway...). So just be a friend, be supportive and be there if she needs somebody to talk to.

That's the only advice I could give right now!

sallylou · 08-27-2009, 04:03 PM

Rockin' robin, your response means that this woman won't confide in you again, so you don't have to worry about that. You are judging her and she will act accordingly.

I hope that you'll come not to judge others so harshly in the future. People who judge others harshly are equally harsh on themselves, and you don't deserve that. (That's one of my issues!) Also, if you only befriend people with no personal issues, you'll end up with few friends.

Just some thoughts. You know your situation and you'll make the right decision for you.

Phillips · 08-27-2009, 04:26 PM

Yeah Crazy! but Advice.... just be Neutral

Good luck!

rockin'robin · 08-27-2009, 05:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sallylou

Rockin' robin, your response means that this woman won't confide in you again, so you don't have to worry about that. You are judging her and she will act accordingly.

I hope that you'll come not to judge others so harshly in the future. People who judge others harshly are equally harsh on themselves, and you don't deserve that. (That's one of my issues!) Also, if you only befriend people with no personal issues, you'll end up with few friends.

Just some thoughts. You know your situation and you'll make the right decision for you.

I'm still her friend, but this has made a wedge between us!...I wish she hadn't told me, but it would have come out sooner or later, anyway!. I don't feel comfortable at her house anymore. Her kids come here all the time and one goes to the same school as my 13 yr. old.

I'm always willing and have been to help her with anything. Even giving her son some clothes. And food at times, a ride if neccessary too. And will continue to do so.

Our friendship has taken a blow. It might heal if she marries her father in law....rather than just keep having an affair with him! She's pretty enuf to find a younger man her age, but apparently she doesn't want to.

It's not my life and surely not my place to judge, but as I said before, what she told me was very hard to take in, even understand!....(at my age), too)....
Hopefully, everything will work out for the best anyway. It's her life, not mine. She will be the one to "have to answer her kids questions" when they are older. I just would never even dream to put myself into a position like this, I would go to the Woman's Shelter or something.

sallylou · 08-27-2009, 05:45 PM

I understand. I hate when one of my friends partners up with a guy that I perceive is bad for her.

If it's a bad relationship, she'll need you to be there when it's over. It sucks for you to have issues with your friend. It sounds like ya'll are close.

And I agree that getting married would give the relationship more credibility. If the guy's serious about the relationship, he'll make a commitment. That may be the litmus test for whether this is a good relationship for your friend.

inspirabull · 08-27-2009, 08:29 PM

I just flat out don't get it. It is just so wrong.

shel90 · 08-27-2009, 08:53 PM

It is none of my business what two adults do in their personal lives as long as they are not putting anyone in danger. I dont judge what people do behind closed doors.

Lighthouse77 · 08-28-2009, 09:25 PM

sound hillbilly life to me lol I think her kids will be confused.. but oh well... my husband's grandfather's father was shot dead so my husband's grandfather's mother married my husband's grandfather's father's brother and had kids with him. yes it is true. my husband's grandfather's cousins are his brothers.

rockin'robin · 08-28-2009, 10:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lighthouse77

sound hillbilly life to me lol I think her kids will be confused.. but oh well... my husband's grandfather's father was shot dead so my husband's grandfather's mother married my husband's grandfather's father's brother and had kids with him. yes it is true. my husband's grandfather's cousins are his brothers.

...They are from Alabama!

Texan Guy · 08-29-2009, 04:27 AM

Sounds pretty redneck stuffs.

Lighthouse77 · 08-29-2009, 09:37 AM

just to let you know there are all kinds of weird relationships out there that would confuse children. as long it is not illegal, that's all it matters.

Frisky Feline · 08-29-2009, 10:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shel90

It is none of my business what two adults do in their personal lives as long as they are not putting anyone in danger. I dont judge what people do behind closed doors.

Same here. I don't live with them so it's their choices. remember they live with kind of secret personals everyday. thats tough.

sallylou · 08-29-2009, 03:51 PM

It's not like marrying a cousin who is genetically related. These people are not genetically related. They are only related by a former marriage. The children are related to the grandfather, not the mother of the children.

Oceanbreeze · 08-29-2009, 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sallylou

It's not like marrying a cousin who is genetically related. These people are not genetically related. They are only related by a former marriage. The children are related to the grandfather, not the mother of the children.

That may be true, but its still not kosher. I am with Robin here and I don't think making her feel bad for being "judgemental" was called for. She feels uncomfortable with the situation and I don't blame her. I would too.

sallylou · 08-29-2009, 04:34 PM

I don't worry about "kosher." I try to treat people with kindness and compassion no matter what their circumstance.

08-24-2009, 11:50 PM	#1 (permalink)
rockin'robin Registered User Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Jacksonville, Florida Posts: 2,774	In Love....With Her Father-in-law..... A friend of mine, who is 40....divorsed with 2 kids. Her ex moved out of state several years ago. Her father-in-law, and grandfather to her 2 kids, is in his late 50's. He's always helped her financially with her kids. Her ex could never keep a job. She was laid off several months ago. And moved in with the father-in-law. When I saw her recently....(her son is a friend of my son)....she came over to chat for awhile. Telling me everything that was happening with her. And I got the "shock" of my life when she confided to me she was "in love" with her father-in-law!....She cried. She asked me not to "judge" her....I was and still am, at loss for words! She is a very likable and fun person, good mother. We get along fine, and before she told me all this, we would go shopping together at times, keep each others kids often. I'm still at a loss of words about this situation! If she marries the father-in-law, he's still her kids grandfather......He pays all the bills for her....she's finally found another job, working with children with learning disabilities. As weird and crazy as this world is....this situation threw me for a loop! What do you guys think?

08-25-2009, 04:19 AM	#2 (permalink)
Chuck God of War Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: California Posts: 134	Women tend to connect with men that are mostly around. Kind of like a woman only dating friends of her brothers simply because she stays home all the time because that's the only guys she sees on a constant basis. She's found another job, tell her to find another man at her workplace. Father in law is just too creepy. __________________

08-26-2009, 12:02 AM	#3 (permalink)
inspirabull Registered User Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Fairbanks, Cantwell, and Wasilla in Alaska and Longview, Washington. I like it that way. Posts: 189	Nothing to judge there What is shocking about it? She is a mature woman- her heart has spoken. He is a man who cares about her and for her in the ways that count the most. Why should they not have the happiness they deserve in a life that is way too damn short? He is not her father, he is her father-in-law, there is no incest. It actually makes more sense than hoping to find a stepdad that will love those kids as much their grandfather. As for the age difference? Not all of us men age out the same way and a having a younger woman that loves him? He will probably last 20 years longer than he would have and still be virile too. So while it is a little different it not really that shocking and is ultimately practical for both. It just takes a little getting used to on your part. People who are doing things a little different need friends too. It not like something evil is going on.... smiles...

08-26-2009, 12:19 AM	#4 (permalink)
Oceanbreeze I disappear at will Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: S. FL Posts: 7,839	I'm with the first poster. This situation is very unhealthy both for her and the children! It sounds to me like she fell in love with him on the basis of need rather than a true attraction. It really sounds like this woman is in serious need of some counseling and the sooner she gets it, the better! __________________ "You can blow out a candle, but you can't blow out a fire. Once the flame begins to catch, the wind will blow it higher." ~Peter Gabriel

08-26-2009, 03:23 PM	#6 (permalink)
PowerON Click me 12 time Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Suddenly, I'm cowboy. Posts: 6,863 Blog Entries: 4	I have know that my brother's ex-wife was hitting on me. I refuse accept her. I never knew she hit on me until later, I realize. Geez. __________________ • [Illustrator.Blog-alloon.com] • Don't shoot me! I'm only blogger!

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08-26-2009, 12:26 PM	#5 (permalink)
sallylou Registered User Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: My own private Idaho Posts: 2,061	It's not illegal to marry your former FIL. It's unusual but the son is out of the picture here. I'd wish be a friend and wish her the best. Who am I to judge?

08-26-2009, 03:25 PM	#7 (permalink)
Jiro YOU DOMESTIC DISSENT! Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: The Sopranos State Posts: 22,922	well..... they're not blood-related so....... __________________ - Don't forget to buy Jiro's Special Edition Sunglasses for $19.95

08-26-2009, 03:35 PM	#8 (permalink)
Jiro YOU DOMESTIC DISSENT! Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: The Sopranos State Posts: 22,922	robin - your friend confided in you with her extremely embarrassing and a highly judgmental story. You do realize how much emotional strain it is for her to confide in you? I do have quite a share of shocking stories that my friends confided in me but I do not judge them because I'm not a moral police. What your friend is seeking for is a validation. a strength. or anything to see the reason of her doing because she is probably very confused about herself. __________________ - Don't forget to buy Jiro's Special Edition Sunglasses for $19.95

08-27-2009, 12:50 AM	#10 (permalink)
inspirabull Registered User Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Fairbanks, Cantwell, and Wasilla in Alaska and Longview, Washington. I like it that way. Posts: 189	I really am curious Robin... As a long term single man I have made the choice more than once to forgo a relationship with a woman of her age with children of that age. Believe me the last thing kids that age are willing to accept is a new man they do not know boffing their mom let alone be a stepdad. Confusion? How about plain old hate? Kids can be amazingly understanding when there is long term stability, love, and familiarity. The lady wants a real life that works for her and her kids. You are seeing it as something that is at the kids expense, but is it? They probably love their Grandpa way more than their own father and now she does too. There is a good possibility she is just validating what they already think.

08-27-2009, 12:58 AM	#11 (permalink)
yizuman Sci Fi Fan Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Indiana Posts: 727	I can see a scenario going like this if the kids are old enough to go to school... "Hey guys, guess what? My mother is gonna marry my grandpa!!!" Yiz __________________

08-27-2009, 10:15 AM	#12 (permalink)
inspirabull Registered User Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Fairbanks, Cantwell, and Wasilla in Alaska and Longview, Washington. I like it that way. Posts: 189	maybe it is different now If there was one thing we did not do it was talk about what was going on with parents, except maybe with very closest friends and even then nope that was mostly off limits. It was one thing to talk about what we were allowed to do are could get away with but actually talk about them as people? Shoot most of us had things going on at home that we didn't want to talk about.

08-27-2009, 10:46 AM	#13 (permalink)
*Brian* 極度の調整器 Join Date: Mar 2003 Posts: 4,633	It could be that your friend didn't have a great relationship with her father? It is known that some females fall in love/feel attracted to their current/former fathers-in-law and even their step-fathers. It could be a temporary thing, who knows? If I were you, I wouldn't abandon my friendship with her because of her unusual feelings for her father-in-law. She needs all the support she gets from her friends.

08-27-2009, 12:10 PM	#14 (permalink)
JamieLynn Registered User Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 2,663	Difficult situation and difficult to just judge whether it is right or not for your friend to have a relationship with her father-in-law since we don't really know whom they are (what kind of people they are). I'd say, if both are comfortable with one another (as long as they take into consideration into which situation they put the children/grandchildren) there shouldn't be any restraints and nobody should judge them. Children feel comfortable + couple feels comfortable = happiness... I can understand you wanting to keep somewhat your distance and no, you don't need to give her your consent regarding her relationship with her father-in-law (people have different POVs anyway...). So just be a friend, be supportive and be there if she needs somebody to talk to. That's the only advice I could give right now!

08-27-2009, 04:03 PM	#15 (permalink)
sallylou Registered User Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: My own private Idaho Posts: 2,061	Rockin' robin, your response means that this woman won't confide in you again, so you don't have to worry about that. You are judging her and she will act accordingly. I hope that you'll come not to judge others so harshly in the future. People who judge others harshly are equally harsh on themselves, and you don't deserve that. (That's one of my issues!) Also, if you only befriend people with no personal issues, you'll end up with few friends. Just some thoughts. You know your situation and you'll make the right decision for you.

08-29-2009, 04:27 AM	#23 (permalink)
Texan Guy Chief of Secret Police Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Lone Star State Posts: 2,203	Sounds pretty redneck stuffs. __________________

08-27-2009, 04:26 PM	#16 (permalink)
Phillips Lets ride horses! Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Spaceship Posts: 9,158 Blog Entries: 3	Yeah Crazy! but Advice.... just be Neutral Good luck! __________________ *Enjoy life today, Yesterday has past and Tomorrow may never come.*

08-27-2009, 05:45 PM	#18 (permalink)
sallylou Registered User Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: My own private Idaho Posts: 2,061	I understand. I hate when one of my friends partners up with a guy that I perceive is bad for her. If it's a bad relationship, she'll need you to be there when it's over. It sucks for you to have issues with your friend. It sounds like ya'll are close. And I agree that getting married would give the relationship more credibility. If the guy's serious about the relationship, he'll make a commitment. That may be the litmus test for whether this is a good relationship for your friend.

08-27-2009, 08:29 PM	#19 (permalink)
inspirabull Registered User Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Fairbanks, Cantwell, and Wasilla in Alaska and Longview, Washington. I like it that way. Posts: 189	Why all the prejudice against an older man? I just flat out don't get it. It is just so wrong.

08-27-2009, 08:53 PM	#20 (permalink)
shel90 In a pink and black world Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: In the land of the free Posts: 23,991 Blog Entries: 3	It is none of my business what two adults do in their personal lives as long as they are not putting anyone in danger. I dont judge what people do behind closed doors. __________________ Shel~ "A child educated only at school is an uneducated child." -George Santayana

08-28-2009, 09:25 PM	#21 (permalink)
Lighthouse77 Registered User Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 1,304	sound hillbilly life to me lol I think her kids will be confused.. but oh well... my husband's grandfather's father was shot dead so my husband's grandfather's mother married my husband's grandfather's father's brother and had kids with him. yes it is true. my husband's grandfather's cousins are his brothers. __________________ Good thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.

08-29-2009, 09:37 AM	#24 (permalink)
Lighthouse77 Registered User Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 1,304	just to let you know there are all kinds of weird relationships out there that would confuse children. as long it is not illegal, that's all it matters. __________________ Good thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.

08-29-2009, 03:51 PM	#26 (permalink)
sallylou Registered User Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: My own private Idaho Posts: 2,061	It's not like marrying a cousin who is genetically related. These people are not genetically related. They are only related by a former marriage. The children are related to the grandfather, not the mother of the children.

08-29-2009, 04:34 PM	#28 (permalink)
sallylou Registered User Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: My own private Idaho Posts: 2,061	I don't worry about "kosher." I try to treat people with kindness and compassion no matter what their circumstance.

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