AllDeaf.com
Mobile - Perks - Advertise - Spy - Who Quoted Me  
Go Back   AllDeaf.com > Relationships > Marriage, Dating & Single Life
LIKE AllDeaf on Facebook FOLLOW AllDeaf on Twitter
Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Unread 08-24-2009, 10:50 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
rockin'robin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Posts: 18,872
In Love....With Her Father-in-law.....

A friend of mine, who is 40....divorsed with 2 kids. Her ex moved out of state several years ago. Her father-in-law, and grandfather to her 2 kids, is in his late 50's. He's always helped her financially with her kids. Her ex could never keep a job.

She was laid off several months ago. And moved in with the father-in-law.

When I saw her recently....(her son is a friend of my son)....she came over to chat for awhile. Telling me everything that was happening with her. And I got the "shock" of my life when she confided to me she was "in love" with her father-in-law!....She cried.

She asked me not to "judge" her....I was and still am, at loss for words! She is a very likable and fun person, good mother. We get along fine, and before she told me all this, we would go shopping together at times, keep each others kids often.

I'm still at a loss of words about this situation! If she marries the father-in-law, he's still her kids grandfather......He pays all the bills for her....she's finally found another job, working with children with learning disabilities.

As weird and crazy as this world is....this situation threw me for a loop!

What do you guys think?
rockin'robin is offline   Reply With Quote
Alt Today
All Deaf

Beitrag Sponsored Links

__________________
This advertising will not be shown in this way to registered members.
Register your free account today and become a member on AllDeaf.com
   
Unread 08-25-2009, 03:19 AM   #2 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Chuck's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: California
Posts: 364
Women tend to connect with men that are mostly around. Kind of like a woman only dating friends of her brothers simply because she stays home all the time because that's the only guys she sees on a constant basis.

She's found another job, tell her to find another man at her workplace. Father in law is just too creepy.
__________________
Fear is the mind killer
Chuck is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-25-2009, 11:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 434
Nothing to judge there

What is shocking about it? She is a mature woman- her heart has spoken. He is a man who cares about her and for her in the ways that count the most. Why should they not have the happiness they deserve in a life that is way too damn short? He is not her father, he is her father-in-law, there is no incest.
It actually makes more sense than hoping to find a stepdad that will love those kids as much their grandfather. As for the age difference? Not all of us men age out the same way and a having a younger woman that loves him? He will probably last 20 years longer than he would have and still be virile too. So while it is a little different it not really that shocking and is ultimately practical for both. It just takes a little getting used to on your part. People who are doing things a little different need friends too. It not like something evil is going on.... smiles...
inspirabull is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-25-2009, 11:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Oceanbreeze's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: S. FL
Posts: 9,991
Send a message via AIM to Oceanbreeze Send a message via MSN to Oceanbreeze
I'm with the first poster. This situation is very unhealthy both for her and the children! It sounds to me like she fell in love with him on the basis of need rather than a true attraction. It really sounds like this woman is in serious need of some counseling and the sooner she gets it, the better!
__________________
"There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."
Oceanbreeze is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-26-2009, 11:26 AM   #5 (permalink)
Potterhead and Janeite
 
sallylou's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: My own private Idaho
Posts: 6,652
It's not illegal to marry your former FIL. It's unusual but the son is out of the picture here. I'd wish be a friend and wish her the best. Who am I to judge?
sallylou is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-26-2009, 02:23 PM   #6 (permalink)
Registered User
 
PowerON's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: 37.5, 126.9
Posts: 10,693
Blog Entries: 5
Send a message via AIM to PowerON Send a message via Yahoo to PowerON Send a message via Skype™ to PowerON
I have know that my brother's ex-wife was hitting on me. I refuse accept her. I never knew she hit on me until later, I realize. Geez.
__________________
[Illustrator.Blog-alloon.com]
Don't shoot me! I'm only blogger!
PowerON is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-26-2009, 02:25 PM   #7 (permalink)
If You Know What I Mean
 
Jiro's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Soprano State
Posts: 65,800
well..... they're not blood-related so.......
__________________
- Don't forget to buy Jiro's Special Edition Sunglasses for $19.95
Jiro is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-26-2009, 02:35 PM   #8 (permalink)
If You Know What I Mean
 
Jiro's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Soprano State
Posts: 65,800
robin - your friend confided in you with her extremely embarrassing and a highly judgmental story. You do realize how much emotional strain it is for her to confide in you? I do have quite a share of shocking stories that my friends confided in me but I do not judge them because I'm not a moral police. What your friend is seeking for is a validation. a strength. or anything to see the reason of her doing because she is probably very confused about herself.
__________________
- Don't forget to buy Jiro's Special Edition Sunglasses for $19.95
Jiro is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-26-2009, 09:46 PM   #9 (permalink)
Registered User
 
rockin'robin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Posts: 18,872
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jiro View Post
robin - your friend confided in you with her extremely embarrassing and a highly judgmental story. You do realize how much emotional strain it is for her to confide in you? I do have quite a share of shocking stories that my friends confided in me but I do not judge them because I'm not a moral police. What your friend is seeking for is a validation. a strength. or anything to see the reason of her doing because she is probably very confused about herself.
Ur right, Jiro....she's looking for my acceptance, but I cannot totally give it to her....She knows I'm a strong woman, raising 3 boys.
Her own kids, a boy, age 12 and a girl, age 10, are growing up, and I'm sure they know what's going on....
My opinion is that she lacks the confidence in herself to live alone with her kids and being able to pay the bills. I've told her she could apply for help, and child support from the father.....but she's done nothing! She loves her kids, and gives them all they need, but emotionally, I think she might destory them.

She's not only confused, she's confusing her kids....I've decided not to pass judgement, her kids are always welcome in my home.....but now, when I "really" look at her, I don't quite like what I'm seeing.....our friendship has suffered over this!
To each their own....She knows she cannot get any validation from me, I'm not able to give it, sorry! But I'll remain her "friend", but not a "close" friend.

Must be a lot of confusion in their home!
rockin'robin is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-26-2009, 11:50 PM   #10 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 434
I really am curious Robin...

As a long term single man I have made the choice more than once to forgo a relationship with a woman of her age with children of that age. Believe me the last thing kids that age are willing to accept is a new man they do not know boffing their mom let alone be a stepdad. Confusion? How about plain old hate? Kids can be amazingly understanding when there is long term stability,
love, and familiarity. The lady wants a real life that works for her and her kids. You are seeing it as something that is at the kids expense, but is it? They probably love their Grandpa way more than their own father and now she does too. There is a good possibility she is just validating what they already think.
inspirabull is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-26-2009, 11:58 PM   #11 (permalink)
Registered User
 
yizuman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Indiana
Posts: 2,371
I can see a scenario going like this if the kids are old enough to go to school...

"Hey guys, guess what? My mother is gonna marry my grandpa!!!"

Yiz
__________________



yizuman is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-27-2009, 09:15 AM   #12 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 434
maybe it is different now

If there was one thing we did not do it was talk about what was going on with parents, except maybe with very closest friends and even then nope that was mostly off limits. It was one thing to talk about what we were allowed to do are could get away with but actually talk about them as people? Shoot most of us had things going on at home that we didn't want to talk about.
inspirabull is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-27-2009, 09:46 AM   #13 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Brian's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 4,750
It could be that your friend didn't have a great relationship with her father? It is known that some females fall in love/feel attracted to their current/former fathers-in-law and even their step-fathers. It could be a temporary thing, who knows? If I were you, I wouldn't abandon my friendship with her because of her unusual feelings for her father-in-law. She needs all the support she gets from her friends.
Brian is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-27-2009, 11:10 AM   #14 (permalink)
Registered User
 
JamieLynn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 3,336
Difficult situation and difficult to just judge whether it is right or not for your friend to have a relationship with her father-in-law since we don't really know whom they are (what kind of people they are).

I'd say, if both are comfortable with one another (as long as they take into consideration into which situation they put the children/grandchildren) there shouldn't be any restraints and nobody should judge them. Children feel comfortable + couple feels comfortable = happiness...

I can understand you wanting to keep somewhat your distance and no, you don't need to give her your consent regarding her relationship with her father-in-law (people have different POVs anyway...). So just be a friend, be supportive and be there if she needs somebody to talk to.

That's the only advice I could give right now!
JamieLynn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-27-2009, 03:03 PM   #15 (permalink)
Potterhead and Janeite
 
sallylou's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: My own private Idaho
Posts: 6,652
Rockin' robin, your response means that this woman won't confide in you again, so you don't have to worry about that. You are judging her and she will act accordingly.

I hope that you'll come not to judge others so harshly in the future. People who judge others harshly are equally harsh on themselves, and you don't deserve that. (That's one of my issues!) Also, if you only befriend people with no personal issues, you'll end up with few friends.

Just some thoughts. You know your situation and you'll make the right decision for you.
sallylou is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-27-2009, 03:26 PM   #16 (permalink)
Lets ride horses!
 
Phillips's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Spaceship
Posts: 11,182
Yeah Crazy! but Advice.... just be Neutral

Good luck!
__________________

My journal!
http://poochie21.blogspot.com/

***Enjoy life today, Yesterday has past and Tomorrow may never come.***
Phillips is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-27-2009, 04:24 PM   #17 (permalink)
Registered User
 
rockin'robin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Posts: 18,872
Quote:
Originally Posted by sallylou View Post
Rockin' robin, your response means that this woman won't confide in you again, so you don't have to worry about that. You are judging her and she will act accordingly.

I hope that you'll come not to judge others so harshly in the future. People who judge others harshly are equally harsh on themselves, and you don't deserve that. (That's one of my issues!) Also, if you only befriend people with no personal issues, you'll end up with few friends.

Just some thoughts. You know your situation and you'll make the right decision for you.
I'm still her friend, but this has made a wedge between us!...I wish she hadn't told me, but it would have come out sooner or later, anyway!. I don't feel comfortable at her house anymore. Her kids come here all the time and one goes to the same school as my 13 yr. old.

I'm always willing and have been to help her with anything. Even giving her son some clothes. And food at times, a ride if neccessary too. And will continue to do so.

Our friendship has taken a blow. It might heal if she marries her father in law....rather than just keep having an affair with him! She's pretty enuf to find a younger man her age, but apparently she doesn't want to.

It's not my life and surely not my place to judge, but as I said before, what she told me was very hard to take in, even understand!....(at my age), too)....
Hopefully, everything will work out for the best anyway. It's her life, not mine. She will be the one to "have to answer her kids questions" when they are older. I just would never even dream to put myself into a position like this, I would go to the Woman's Shelter or something.
rockin'robin is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-27-2009, 04:45 PM   #18 (permalink)
Potterhead and Janeite
 
sallylou's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: My own private Idaho
Posts: 6,652
I understand. I hate when one of my friends partners up with a guy that I perceive is bad for her. If it's a bad relationship, she'll need you to be there when it's over. It sucks for you to have issues with your friend. It sounds like ya'll are close.

And I agree that getting married would give the relationship more credibility. If the guy's serious about the relationship, he'll make a commitment. That may be the litmus test for whether this is a good relationship for your friend.
sallylou is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-27-2009, 07:29 PM   #19 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 434
Why all the prejudice against an older man?

I just flat out don't get it. It is just so wrong.
inspirabull is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-27-2009, 07:53 PM   #20 (permalink)
Audist are not welcome
 
shel90's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: A place where crabs are popular
Posts: 42,684
Blog Entries: 3
It is none of my business what two adults do in their personal lives as long as they are not putting anyone in danger. I dont judge what people do behind closed doors.
__________________
"Wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it."

--- Anonymous
shel90 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-28-2009, 08:25 PM   #21 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Lighthouse77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,167
sound hillbilly life to me lol I think her kids will be confused.. but oh well... my husband's grandfather's father was shot dead so my husband's grandfather's mother married my husband's grandfather's father's brother and had kids with him. yes it is true. my husband's grandfather's cousins are his brothers.
__________________
Good thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
Lighthouse77 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-28-2009, 09:05 PM   #22 (permalink)
Registered User
 
rockin'robin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Posts: 18,872
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lighthouse77 View Post
sound hillbilly life to me lol I think her kids will be confused.. but oh well... my husband's grandfather's father was shot dead so my husband's grandfather's mother married my husband's grandfather's father's brother and had kids with him. yes it is true. my husband's grandfather's cousins are his brothers.
...They are from Alabama!
rockin'robin is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-29-2009, 03:27 AM   #23 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Texan Guy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: The Republic of Texas
Posts: 2,546
Sounds pretty redneck stuffs.
__________________




Texan Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-29-2009, 08:37 AM   #24 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Lighthouse77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,167
just to let you know there are all kinds of weird relationships out there that would confuse children. as long it is not illegal, that's all it matters.
__________________
Good thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
Lighthouse77 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-29-2009, 09:38 AM   #25 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Posts: 23,908
Quote:
Originally Posted by shel90 View Post
It is none of my business what two adults do in their personal lives as long as they are not putting anyone in danger. I dont judge what people do behind closed doors.
Same here. I don't live with them so it's their choices. remember they live with kind of secret personals everyday. thats tough.
Frisky Feline is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-29-2009, 02:51 PM   #26 (permalink)
Potterhead and Janeite
 
sallylou's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: My own private Idaho
Posts: 6,652
It's not like marrying a cousin who is genetically related. These people are not genetically related. They are only related by a former marriage. The children are related to the grandfather, not the mother of the children.
sallylou is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-29-2009, 03:21 PM   #27 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Oceanbreeze's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: S. FL
Posts: 9,991
Send a message via AIM to Oceanbreeze Send a message via MSN to Oceanbreeze
Quote:
Originally Posted by sallylou View Post
It's not like marrying a cousin who is genetically related. These people are not genetically related. They are only related by a former marriage. The children are related to the grandfather, not the mother of the children.
That may be true, but its still not kosher. I am with Robin here and I don't think making her feel bad for being "judgemental" was called for. She feels uncomfortable with the situation and I don't blame her. I would too.
__________________
"There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."
Oceanbreeze is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-29-2009, 03:34 PM   #28 (permalink)
Potterhead and Janeite
 
sallylou's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: My own private Idaho
Posts: 6,652
I don't worry about "kosher." I try to treat people with kindness and compassion no matter what their circumstance.
sallylou is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:34 AM.


Join AllDeaf on Facebook!    Follow us on Twitter!

AllDeaf proudly supports St. Jude Children's Research Hospital

Copyright © 2002-2014, AllDeaf.com. All Rights Reserved.