rockin'robin

A New Generation Tries Swinging, but Leaves the Leisure Suits in the Closet

To many, "open marriage" is a phrase so laden with 1970s nostalgia that the idea can't be considered without imagining its practitioners leering at each other across shag-carpeted conversation pits, their chest hair spilling out of maroon polyester leisure suits.

While many of today's adherents are aging swingers from the old school, a new generation -- well organized and committed to legitimizing a lifestyle -- continues to push traditional notions of marital fidelity by having sex with people other than their spouses.

But do marriages -- fragile institutions traditionally built on the fidelity and sexual intimacy of two people -- work when the doors of the bedroom are thrown wide open?

"That's like asking if monogamy works," Deborah Anapol, a psychologist and author of "Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits" told ABC NEWS.com. "Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't. It depends almost entirely on the people involved and their willingness to tell the truth and do the work."

"Polyamory," which literally means "many loves" is a new name for an old practice.

"There were a few studies on open marriage in the early '60s and '70s, but the phenomenon seemed to die out and it was just called cheating after that," said William Doherty, a professor of sociology at the University of Minnesota.

"It resurfaced as polyamory, and some groups have imbued it with a spiritual side. They see it as a pathway to personal development. They see it as a high road; it's not cheating, it's growing their relationship," he said.

In 1972, George and Nena O'Neill published "Open Marriage: Love Without Limits," the first book to define the practice and counsel couples on how to grow their own relationships by creating friendships and sexual relationships with other people.

Ten years later, acclaimed journalist Gay Talese would publish "Thy Neighbor's Wife," an experiential look at American sexual mores between the sexual revolution and the AIDS epidemic.

In the book, Talese describes operating a massage parlor in New York City, attending nudist camps and having an extramarital affair.

Though Talese told ABC NEWS.com that his 50-year marriage to his wife, book editor Nan Talese, was not open, the popularity of "Thy Neighbor's Wife" led many Americans to re-evaluate long held ideas about sexual morality, obscenity and fidelity.

Do Open Marriages Work?
It is difficult to determine just how many married people are involved in open marriages. A study from the 1980s suggested it could be as many as 6 percent of all couples, but most experts believe that number is excessively high.

"At least 95 percent of married and cohabitating Americans expect sexual exclusivity," said Judy Treas, a sociology professor at the University of California at Irvine.

As for the success of open marriages, "there have been no scientific evaluations of how well open marriages work," Treas said. "The jury is still out."

Despite the small niche, there is a thriving industry built around the polyamorous. Self-help books, specialized marriage counselors, and retreats, which include everything from courses in Eastern philosophy to the chance to hook up with strangers, are targeted at people in open marriages.

Traditional marriage counselors typically tell polyamorous couples who are having problems with their marriage that it is the sex with other people that is causing their problems, but therapists like Dossie Easton who co-wrote"The Ethical Slut," disagreed.

Easton said polyamorous marriages were no more or less successful than monogamous marriages, but at least the polyamorous were never surprised to learn their spouse was cheating.

She said openly married couples saw her "for the same problems that traditional therapists deal with. Only traditional therapists tell polyamorous couples if they gave up being polyamorous, then they'd be happy."

Problems, she said, occur when spouses have different ideas about how polyamory should work.

"Sometimes one wants to have sex with strangers, and the other wants more meaningful relationships outside the marriage. Others want to join groups of likeminded people, [which] I call pods or constellations, where sometimes child-rearing responsibilities are shared."

The biggest challenge polyamorous couples seem to face is jealousy.

A whole chapter of "Open Marriage," the first polyamorous handbook is devoted to managing feelings of jealousy.

"Jealousy is inevitable just like anger is inevitable. All couples get jealous often for no good reason, but jealousy can be managed. If people are emotionally intelligent they work to manage their jealousy," Anapol said.


Polyamory, Polygamy and Friends With Benefits
Open marriage differs from polygamy in that it is legal, except in those states with extremely rigid anti-adultery laws. Unlike polygamy, in an open marriage both spouses agree to allow each other to have extramarital affairs and relationships can extend to people outside of a formally bound group.

In the open marriages of the 1970s, couples would often set rigid rules about whom they would allow to engage in sex with their partners.

Couples would meet in sex clubs or private parties and swap partners. These relationships were almost always purely sexual, and temporary lovers were rarely introduced to spouses.

Contemporary practitioners of polyamory have changed the rules, and in many cases thrown them out all together, said Dossie Easton.

According to Easton, polyamory is as much a reflection of changes in '70s-style open marriages as it is a reflection of broad changes in attitudes about casual sex. "There has been a real change in attitudes," Easton said. "We used to make a huge notion that if you picked up someone at a singles bar and didn't want to marry them in the morning you shambled out of their house."

"Nowaday, we have all kinds of open sexual connections with people that we call friends that we are not auditioning for marriage."

Are Open Marriages More Successful Than Traditional Couplings? - ABC News

Deafness

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shel90

Interesting..

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Shel~

"A child educated only at school is an uneducated child." -George Santayana

Reba

So-called "open" marriage is no marriage at all.

Some people seem to think that giving sinful behavior a new, respectable sounding name makes the behavior OK.

~*Kaelei*~

I think it's interesting.... it could give a divorce rate to go down.

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Maria

I wouldn't go there. And, I don't think it will work for the traditional couples. I don't like the idea of some people like to question a stranger's personal life with who ever he or she is officially with. This will create a major problem for the married couple.

Diseases should be concerned, too. I don't think an open marriage is a good idea -- IMO.

shel90

yea, cuz even people who appear to be all moral and all that cheat on their spouses anyway.

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Shel~

"A child educated only at school is an uneducated child." -George Santayana

Maria

I agree.

shel90

I think cheating behind a spouse's back is even more sinful. At least these people are being honest about it and it is their business not anyone else to judge them on.

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Shel~

"A child educated only at school is an uneducated child." -George Santayana

~*Kaelei*~

Extactly! So why bother having a divorce when you can have open marriage.... both of you can go with other people and still love each other? That may work and their love could intensify as they wouldn't be bored with each other.

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shel90

If it makes the couple happy, go for it. It is their business not ours. It doesnt bother me cuz what they do in their personal lives doesnt affect me.

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Shel~

"A child educated only at school is an uneducated child." -George Santayana

KarissaMann05

Word.

And it could cause a spouse end up falling in love with an another person more than his/her lover. Is it worth?

It could cause a spouse to have an another person's baby instead of his/her love. Is it worth?

You could have a kind of disease from your spouse after she/he sleep with an another person and you unknownly sleep with your own lover. Is it worth?

If he/she want to find a random person, he/she are really not love his/her spouse at all.

Well, that's too bad. The traditional marriage is now meaningless and worthless as it seems so... Mm, I guess I probably will have to stay being single, by then.

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"Just think of it as I'm rebelling against your rebellion."

shel90

Those same problems/issues do happen in traditional marriages when a spouse cheats on the other one.

Traditional or not...any marriage has risks of people getting hurt.

I had a traditional marriage with my ex hubby..until he cheated on me. Changed my views on what a traditional marriage meant.

Hope u and Reba will never have to feel that pain.

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Shel~

"A child educated only at school is an uneducated child." -George Santayana

KarissaMann05

Are you expecting me that I would change my mind on traditional marriage if it would happen to me? Are you expecting I would against it if it happen to me. I think not... I was once cheated by former boyfriend, and it didn't affect my view on it at all...

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"Just think of it as I'm rebelling against your rebellion."

shel90

Never said that. Where did I say that about u? I was talking about my views. Pls do not read more into my words.

My views changed because I used to think by having a traditional marriage, I was protected from all these issues u mentioned (diseases, someone else getting pregnant with my hubby's baby and all that) until my ex hubby cheated on me. Now, I know that I am just as vulnerable as anyone despite being married.

Doesnt mean I am going for an open marriage myself...it means that marriage doesnt guarantee protection from all these issues.

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Shel~

"A child educated only at school is an uneducated child." -George Santayana

KarissaMann05

Your own words:

Actually, no, I had... so I pointed out.

EDIT:

I didn't realize you typed it more.

Okay. That's fine with me. Sorry, if my post, who was replied to Reba, is offended you...

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"Just think of it as I'm rebelling against your rebellion."

shel90

I never said that u will change your views on marriage.

I was saying that I hope u wont feel that pain. That was all.

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Shel~

"A child educated only at school is an uneducated child." -George Santayana

KarissaMann05

Mm... your post sounds like you expected, but all right by then... I, too, hope so.

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"Just think of it as I'm rebelling against your rebellion."

shel90

I dont think for others.

When I found out that my ex hubby cheated on me, it was like everything I believed in fell apart. I had a strong faith in marriage and I took it seriously but after that, it all changed.

When I said that I hope u dont feel that pain, I meant that when u get married, I hope u wont experience what I experienced.


I was watching a documentary about how wives kill...most of the murders were cuz the wives found out that their husbands cheated on them and they lost their mind and ended up killing the other woman or their husbands. I almost was in that state of mind that night. Luckily, I got control of myself and told myself that it wasnt worth ruining my life for. However, it sure ruined my views on what a marriage meant. That's the pain I am talking about.

Yes, I got married again but I know that it can fall apart any day at any time. I dont take anything granted anymore. I just appreciate what I have daily and dont lose sight of it.

That's why I dont judge other people for having an open marriage. AS long as they are happy and if it works for them, who am I to judge?

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Shel~

"A child educated only at school is an uneducated child." -George Santayana

KarissaMann05

..... I hope you don't thought I judge other people. I just disagree with with the open marriage that does not mean I judge people who choose it. And, yes, you are definitely right. It's up to them if they want I just disagree with that idea... that's all.

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"Just think of it as I'm rebelling against your rebellion."

shel90

By disagreeing with the idea doesnt mean u are judging them. U are entitled to your opinion on it. I wouldnt do it either.

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Shel~

"A child educated only at school is an uneducated child." -George Santayana

KarissaMann05

Heh, its good to know. I'm sorry if I made any sensitive post. ><;

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"Just think of it as I'm rebelling against your rebellion."

Babyblue

If I wanted to swing.. I would have never gotten married.

dreama

I wouldn't do it myself. However I wouldn't judge others for doing it.
I'm all for diversity: Traditional marriage, open marriage, gay marriage, Polygamous marriage or Polyandry marriage. As long as the people love each other and practice responsibility in their sex lives I have nothing against any of these practices.

Although I have engaged in threesomes in the past. It didn't work. I haven't slept with anyone for the last 8 years. who knows how long that will last but I think if I did get married a 3 way marriage would work best. Sorry if this sounds really weird but I don't like the idea of being alone with just one person. I think if their were two of them they could entertain themselves and I wouldn't be stuck with talking to them all the time.

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Moon-child

I think an open marriage would require huge amounts of communication and emotional maturity. I don't like the idea for myself, but friends of mine have an open marriage, and at times it does cause problems for them, they seem to work through it. At one point the woman started falling in love with her 'extra man' and had to end the relationship so it did not place her in emotional conflict in her marriage.

To each his own, as long as it is not hurting anyone, and rules of the game are agreed upon, then I have no right to judge.

kokonut

It also opens up the possibility of increased STDs when you have multiple sex partners. A committment to only person reduces STDs drastically (in terms of receiving STDs from other people). Swingers are at increased risk of contracting STDs from multiple sex partners. I see it more trouble than it's worth. It's simply a way to ultimately try and justify their own gratification needs and way to "save" their own "marriage" by being more "open."

Jiro

interesting........

suffice to say - I am open to all (well almost all)

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Oceanblue7

why get married if open commitment or such rather than say married. I will pass that sort of relationship.

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rockin'robin

I believe in traditional marriage also...but I can see that some couples who have been married a long time, get bored with each other. Some women/men let themselves "go", and the spouse still loves them but is no longer attracted sexually, OR one spouse has lost interest in sex, and won't or can't get help for the problem.....The couple wants to remain married, due to really loving each other, or children, or financial reasons, etc.....I do remember the "vows" that are taken....but does that mean if the woman or man lost all interest in sex, that the other one should suffer?

Or if one was in a coma, or had a disabling disease....many issues here, would that mean one of them had to forgo having sex for the rest of their life?

Marriage is hard work! Many things can happen during the marriage. And if the couple opts to have an "open" marriage, then that's their business, as long as they are discreet and honest about their needs.

It may sound as if it's "cheating" to some people...then again to those who are open to their marriages, it's not. Many wives turn a "blind eye" to their husband's discretions due to the fact they no longer want sex but the husband does.

Daredevel7

Communication and compromise is far more important than living up to some man-made ideals.

dreama

I can see what you are getting at. Also in the case of some mental health issues.

For me it really wouldn't work with just one person because There are times when I really am not much fun to be with. I don't want to communicate with anyone at all and it would iliviate a lot of pressure off me if my partner had someone else they could turn to when that happened.

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I speak for those who cannot speak for themselves.
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