sugaree663

Hi everyone,
I'm new to this site and came here because I'm a hearing woman in a new relationship with a deaf man (he asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentine's day after we were dating a couple of months). He is the first deaf person I have ever known. I met him at the bowling alley where I work as a waitress. At first, communication was daunting to me, I really was unsure of how we would accomplish it. Now, it doesn't seem like a big deal anymore We use paper to write notes, I learned to finger-spell right away and am beginning to learn AS. He wears a hearing aid and can lip-read and speak words. I love him a lot and am enjoying learning about deaf culture. He has been deaf since birth and doesn't speak all that much and he's not easy to understand when he does, and honestly, I enjoy the silence immensely and can't wait to learn to sign better so we don't have to rely on voices.

So here is my 'pet' peeve: His roomate has a dog, and when I go to his house, he is constantly talking/yelling at the dog. Since he doesn't speak all that much at other times, it's very grating on my ears to hear him scolding the dog the entire time I'm at his place. I think it wouldn't be so hard on me if that wasn't just about the only time I hear his voice. It's just weird that for the most part, when I hear his voice, it's in a tone of anger and irritation. I really dislike it and the dog doesn't listen to him/understand him anyway. I want to be sensitive and not be a bitch, so I haven't really said anything to him about it. Last night though, it was driving me crazy because the dog kept jumping on the bed and then he'd yell at the dog, all while we are trying to cuddle. So I got up and put the dog on the floor a couple of times and used the hand signal for 'stay'. I told my bf (with paper/pen) that I used to work at a dog kennel and learned how to train dogs and that dogs respond better to hand signals a lot of the times.
anyone have any input, suggestions, ideas, comments for me about any of this?

Deafness

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Secretblend

Personally, sounds like you did right thing. How did he respond after you wrote that you worked at a dog kennel?

Bottesini

And after getting some wise counsel, I want to say that you should understand that deaf voices are different, and I feel if he wants to talk to you, and you really feel you love him, you need to learn to love everything of him.

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It's a joke Nathan!

Kai Onca

be honest and upfront about the issue


at first try to hint about it to see if he gets the drift- train the dog with the guy and show him what he could do as well too.

also could explain its "loud" or when he yells at the dog that the tone of his voice hurts your ears

I personally would want my friends/family/coworkers to tell me that what I'm doing is annoying others like chewing too loud or the chair creaks/squeaks everytime I move (i'm constantly on the move) .. etc.... it helps me realize what noises i'm making that is exessive. I always have appericated the feedbacks I have gotten over the years.

kudos to you for looking past the deafness and trying to give this relationship a go.

Frisky Feline

Ditto. i rather someone telling me if i make real loud.

Try to think hard, if you want to continue being in relationship with your boyfriend. Start from there to be honest with him, that comes from your own feeling, using your judge on how to tell him in your own instinct. I dont believe in withhelding those feelings that can hurt his feeling too long then on the end, it will be blown big time. know what i am saying?

good luck.

radioman

my 2 cents - tell him the truth that his voice is grating to you when he tries to speak to his dog when you are around. Nothing is worse then keeping it all bottled up and sometime down the road when your threshold limit has been reached and you get mad at him and the relationship is in trouble. I can see it - a dazed look on hisd face wondering what he has done wrong when it all adds up. If he tries to lower his voice and take heed of the hand commands to the dog, perhaps the dog will respond better ? I hate to say it but sinc eyou have admitted experience at a dog kennel, you may have picked up a new responsiblity to continue the dog if you want to keep the relationship with your new BF. Hopefully you will never get to the point of either dog goes or you go . good luck and I assure you a deaf BF CAN be a bliss.

Tousi

I'm sure, his hearing aid notwithstanding, that he doesn't realize how his voice comes across to you. Obviously, on the one hand, you two communicate in ways that you do and he uses his voice to the animal, not knowing/realizing that he could use the hand signs you speak of although I think you said it is his roomate's pet. Doesn't sound like the animal is a hearing service dog, either.

Bottesini

But I still think, "love me, love my voice!" Or else.

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It's a joke Nathan!

Tousi

The more I think about it, the more I agree since its about a close proximity relationship between two people vs comporting one's self in public.

sugaree663

Thanks for the input everyone. I was thinking about it last night and two ideas came to me. The first was that I should just tell him, like I would a hearing guy or any other person I had this issue with, because otherwise, I will start to avoid going to his house, and I don't want that. A relationship is about honesty. The other thing I realized is that I'm jealous of the dog, because he talks to the dog more than to me! I didn't even know he could be that oral until I went to his house and heard him with the dog.
So I need to get over myself and just communicate.
Also, it's not his dog, but he has lived there for 3 years and loves the dog to pieces, it's not a service dog either.
And one more thing, I really do love everything about him, including his voice, and this issue is very, very minor, a pet peeve, not something that detracts from how I feel about him at all.
Should I really find another site? I felt really sad and yucky when I read Bottessin's reply, I almost cried! I'm not trying to complain, I'm trying to make a beautiful relationship as wonderful as possible for both of us.

Bottesini

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Promise you as a deaf person, if I read my family saying how my voice grated on them, I would feel sad and yucky and cry.

But they love all about me.

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It's a joke Nathan!

sugaree663

fair enough bottesini, I guess what I'm trying to get across is that it's not his voice that is grating, it's when he uses his voice to yell, especially when it's close to my ear, it causes physical pain, this would be true of anyone's voice, deaf or not. I love his speaking voice as well as everything else about him. but I truly appreciate your input, thank you

society's_child

Don't feel bad. I'm sure Botts didn't mean any ill will by her response. She's just keeping it real. She's gonna give it to you straight, lemme tell you. That's how she rolls.

Anyway, it sounds like the pooch is throwing a monkey wrench in your relationship...the two of you might have to ask yourselves some pretty tough questions if you want this relationship thing to work out.

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sugaree663

after the note, he put the dog out of the bedroom and closed the door!

sugaree663

Thanks for the hug,
Like what questions? everything is going well, I'm 37 and he's 48 and neither of us has ever felt like this in a relationship before, so right. What kinds of issues should we be addressing now do you think?

society's_child

You're welcome.

I'm no relationship expert so i'm really not qualified to give advice...when i mentioned that some tough questions might have to be asked, I was really just thinking of the dog. Sorry to bust your bubble.

I mean, if your issue with the dog is enough to eventually send you packing, will he be willing to give it up? Give him away? Take him to the pound?

Like someone said: "it's me or the dog.

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sugaree663

well, as far as the dog goes, I like the dog, even if the scolding never stopped, I could deal with that. I would never ask anyone to choose between their dog and me! He rents a room in a house where the dog's owner lives, so if it got to a point where we wanted to live together, the dog would be staying with it's owner and he would move in with me or we would be getting a new place of our own without the dog.

society's_child

Oh. Alright then. I think I misunderstood the situation. Thanks for clarifying.

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LuciaDisturbed

The dog isn't even his. It's the house owner's dog, so he can't do that. And, no one should be forced to choose between a pet and a lover. It's just not right, and not fair to the pet. I would suggest doing different things, like asking him to keep the dog out of the bedroom, and tell him that scolding the dog so much makes you sad, etc.

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sugaree663

Thanks Lucia, I really like the idea about telling him that scolding the dog makes me sad, it really does make me sad, good suggestion. And I will definitely be advocating for the dog out of the bedroom from now on. Also, I agree with you fully that no one should be forced to choose between a pet and a lover, pet probably would win most the times, I'd choose my snake over almost anyone boyfriend I ever had, and it's a snake!
trivia fact: snakes are deaf! snakes have no apparatus for hearing, no ears!
when I told my boyfriend that, he asked if my snake signed, we had a good laugh...

hohDougRN

Is that a burmese python you have?

You guys can always just get your own dog if the relationship turns into a longterm thing.

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Doug

shel90

When my voice becomes too painful for my hearing hubby, he always askes me if I am not wearing my HAs...he was always right..whenever I dont wear my HAs, my voice becomes so loud hurting his ears.

Just saying that you arent the only one who has to deal with this issue.

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Shel~

"A child educated only at school is an uneducated child." -George Santayana

deafbajagal

IMO yelling at an animal in that fashion is abuse. No animal should have to endure being yelled at...if it hurts your ears, imagine the dog's...his/her ears are much more sensitive than humans.

sugaree663

[QUOTE=hohDougRN;1270214][COLOR="DarkRed"][SIZE="4"]Is that a burmese python you have?

they are albino gopher snakes

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[SIGPIC]

sugaree663

thanks, that makes me feel better

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[SIGPIC]

November Gypsy

First of all, I want to say that it's great you two found each other. You obviously love him! It's great that you are willing to work at a relationship that will take a little extra effort. It shows that you are a great person (in my humble opinion). Secondly, I'd like to say that I completely understand why you don't want to say anything, but would it really hurt him all that much if you write something like 'Hey, it bothers me a little that the only time I hear your voice is when you are yelling at the dog. Is there a way we can change that a little?'? I mean, I wouldn't say anything about the quality of his voice or anything like that, really....but I would be honest about how you are feeling, especially since you seem serious about him. I also think you did right to suggest trying to train the dog. Your bf doesn't realize what's like to hear and to only hear angry voices( I am severly hoh and used to be completely hearing)..so you are going to have to teach him about that, like he is teaching you about being deaf. I hope I helped a little! Good luck!

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dead money

kidnap the damn thing and give it away.

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sallylou

I've been married for 18 years and I've found that honesty is not always the best policy. Sometimes you just have to overlook things and consider the feelings of the other person. Yes, certain things are going to irritate you. How can you be with a person and not get irritated sometimes? A lot of times my hubby and I just joke about it. We've learned to accept each other as we are. Give it a couple of decades, and you'll laugh about it, too.

deafaussie

I'm profoundly Deaf since birth and is married to a hearing wife. At times, I tend to talk or scream out with a loud/booming voice without realizing it. As you see, I was brought up without being informed about my own 'Deaf' voice that can annoy or irritable others. It is hard to tell difference in voice intensity used in between hearing and Deaf worlds. My wife had taught me how voice is being used in hearing people while they speak in quiet environment or loud

Everytime, I speak out with a strong voice, she asks me to lower down until she gets what she wants and it is pretty tough for me to take. Sometimes, she often shows her tolerance and with understanding.

In your situation, your bf is not at fault for screaming out loud without realizing how painful your ears can get. My suggestion to you is to 'educate' and 'discuss' your concerns how painful your ears can get. Relationship is a two way street, not one. Show your a little bit of tolerance, yet remind him if he screams or loud from time to time. Your bf will have to adjust a little bit, say less screaming the better, with understanding that he got a hearing GF as well.

A little bit of work between you both will succeed

Hope this helps.

AlleyCat

A lot of good advice here.

I think just talking it out, as others have said, will go a long ways. I know I've been guilty (I'm deaf) of doing things such as talking too loud, etc. and need to be told of this. I would rather be told things than be embarassed or let others be uncomfortable.