Is this shallow/wrong?

BradB08 · 08-16-2008, 11:36 PM

I put my profile up on match.com about two weeks ago. I got a wink from a woman around here and while checking out her profile, noticed that we had a lot of similar interests, etc.

So, naturally, I sent her an email asking if she'd like to chat more. She gave me her Yahoo IM name and before I could add it, she had googled my name and found it.

Normally, I'd be creeped out by that. All she really had to do was ask. What I should have done was added her myself.

Anyway, so we start talking. It starts out good and simple, the way I like it. However, by the third day we chat online, she throws up another red flag: She says that she thinks I wouldn't like her, that I'd think she was ugly.

Why is this a red flag? It's an indicator of low self-esteem.

Anyway, that was the last time we chatted. I put her on ignore and removed her from my list.

Now, I'm wondering if what I did was fair or not. I've already concluded that I'm not attracted to her but I pussed out and couldn't tell her that, instead of just ignoring her. A lot of things she said about her life threw me off as well.

Maybe I am a dick. I saw what happened to my brother when he met a similar woman. She dragged him down and nearly ruined his life with her low self-esteem and negative outlook on life. He also lowered his standards to a point where he would accept anyone (not what I want to do) and he basically let her control his life. Because of my observations of his experience, I learned what I didn't want in a woman.

I can't help but feel bad a bit. I feel really good about myself and right now, I don't have time for my own negativity, let alone someone else's. I'm trying to have more confidence in myself, in life, etc.

Oh well. Maybe I should stop looking again before I hurt someone else or myself.

BradB08 · 08-17-2008, 06:11 AM

Hmm, I guess it isn't then.

It's happened to me before as well.

Liza · 08-17-2008, 09:34 AM

No one can fault you for trying to look for someone who has a positive attitude. That's not shallow.

Bottesini · 08-17-2008, 11:12 AM

You might not want to spend your life reassuring someone. I think it is just the way that woman would get attention to focus on her.

Gemma · 08-17-2008, 11:15 AM

Never doubt your instincts.

***VamPyroX*** · 08-17-2008, 12:18 PM

Perhaps, it was a test to see how you would respond.

It's easy to do things unusual or things that would raise red flags when you're online. You don't have to worry because the other person you're talking to online can't see you and you can easily walk away from it when you make a mistake.

lumbingmi · 08-17-2008, 12:34 PM

Nope. You have the choice and u have to live or die with it. I would do the same thing. Why torture yourself when you could find better woman? Do yourself a favor by not limiting yourself to deaf women but open the possibility of dating hearing women.

Also I may add, it s always best to go out to bars or gathering to meet women. Try to find "dphh" in your area and get urself in the game.

BradB08 · 08-17-2008, 01:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lumbingmi

Nope. You have the choice and u have to live or die with it. I would do the same thing. Why torture yourself when you could find better woman? Do yourself a favor by not limiting yourself to deaf women but open the possibility of dating hearing women.

She's not Deaf. And I just haven't met enough Deaf women outside of the ones I know in VT, so there could be someone and I wouldn't know, etc.

Quote:

Also I may add, it s always best to go out to bars or gathering to meet women. Try to find "dphh" in your area and get urself in the game.

Can't do bars. Hard to communicate (noisy) and the women that usually go to those around here are unattractive. Again, I don't go to many hearing gatherings and the Deaf gatherings never have any single women.

Gemma · 08-17-2008, 02:41 PM

Brad, you make a better judge of your own decisions or instincts than any one of us from AD could ever be.

Personally I would be turned off if a man tells me that he thinks I wont like him because he is too ugly or whatnot, I dont find these men with low self esteem attractive because I am not interested in falling for their bait. She wanted you to fall for her bait and reassure her that she is a beautiful woman etc - - you sensed that and walked away so dont ever doubt your instincts - clearly you are a sensitive young man if you felt bad for her but it is not your job to make every young single woman or even married woman feel beautiful and desired. That is a tough job to tackle onto.

If you cant do bars or what you mentioned above, then continue with this venue - dont give up - you dont always catch a 20 lb. salmon on first try do you? Keep fishing on, man and you will be glad that you did not settle!

BradB08 · 08-17-2008, 04:10 PM

Thanks. Yeah I tend to agree and I've seen this crap from too many women. It seems to be a popular way to trap guys into settling for women that are bad for them.

Maria · 08-17-2008, 07:52 PM

Just follow your instinct and heart what is the best for you.... and, hopefully that one day you will find a better and loving woman in your life - not a cold fish.

JClarke · 08-17-2008, 07:57 PM

Nigeran scammers!

~*Kaelei*~ · 08-17-2008, 08:22 PM

I honestly think you did what you think it's right for you. I can understand why you don't want the same thing happened to you as it did to your brother.

I wish you luck,

need_advice · 08-23-2008, 03:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BradB08

I put my profile up on match.com about two weeks ago. I got a wink from a woman around here and while checking out her profile, noticed that we had a lot of similar interests, etc.

So, naturally, I sent her an email asking if she'd like to chat more. She gave me her Yahoo IM name and before I could add it, she had googled my name and found it.

Normally, I'd be creeped out by that. All she really had to do was ask. What I should have done was added her myself.

Anyway, so we start talking. It starts out good and simple, the way I like it. However, by the third day we chat online, she throws up another red flag: She says that she thinks I wouldn't like her, that I'd think she was ugly.

Why is this a red flag? It's an indicator of low self-esteem.

Anyway, that was the last time we chatted. I put her on ignore and removed her from my list.

Now, I'm wondering if what I did was fair or not. I've already concluded that I'm not attracted to her but I pussed out and couldn't tell her that, instead of just ignoring her. A lot of things she said about her life threw me off as well.

Maybe I am a dick. I saw what happened to my brother when he met a similar woman. She dragged him down and nearly ruined his life with her low self-esteem and negative outlook on life. He also lowered his standards to a point where he would accept anyone (not what I want to do) and he basically let her control his life. Because of my observations of his experience, I learned what I didn't want in a woman.

I can't help but feel bad a bit. I feel really good about myself and right now, I don't have time for my own negativity, let alone someone else's. I'm trying to have more confidence in myself, in life, etc.

Oh well. Maybe I should stop looking again before I hurt someone else or myself.

Haha. A lot of pretty, gorgeous women say that. Might be your loss man. Who knows?

SCBassist · 08-23-2008, 03:27 AM

I'd say good call, someone who would immediately start discussing their insecurities or troubled life are turning to the wrong people, they should seek professional help. Don't be deceived, I've seen beautiful women with emotional baggage you wouldn't want to deal with. Keep searching til your instincts tell you she's a good potential catch, but don't be too desperate, take your time to make the right decision.

Phillips · 08-23-2008, 06:51 AM

Advice.. going out deaf social or other!!

I did put deafdate.com.. I talked with man online but felt too much for me!

jillio · 08-23-2008, 09:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VamPyroX

Perhaps, it was a test to see how you would respond.
It's easy to do things unusual or things that would raise red flags when you're online. You don't have to worry because the other person you're talking to online can't see you and you can easily walk away from it when you make a mistake.

That should be another red flag for Brad08. If someone feels the need to "test" a new acquaintence, it is another indication of low self-esteem, and inability to trust, and it starts the relationship out on dishonesty and manipulation.

To answer the orignal question...not shallow at all.

jillio · 08-23-2008, 09:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BradB08

She's not Deaf. And I just haven't met enough Deaf women outside of the ones I know in VT, so there could be someone and I wouldn't know, etc.

Can't do bars. Hard to communicate (noisy) and the women that usually go to those around here are unattractive. Again, I don't go to many hearing gatherings and the Deaf gatherings never have any single women.

You know, you are an intelligent young man. Bars are certainly not the best place to look for a peotential partner. Try gatherings that are more in tune with your interests. You appear to be well read...how about a book club? Or perhaps volunteer a few hours a week at a political headquarters? If there is a Deaf school in your area, how about volunteering to mentor a deaf child? Puts you in contact with a whole community, and gives you a great deal of self satisfaction in the process. Do what interests you, and you will put yourself in a position of coming into contact with people who share your interests and goals in life.

shel90 · 08-23-2008, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jillio

You know, you are an intelligent young man. Bars are certainly not the best place to look for a peotential partner. Try gatherings that are more in tune with your interests. You appear to be well read...how about a book club? Or perhaps volunteer a few hours a week at a political headquarters? If there is a Deaf school in your area, how about volunteering to mentor a deaf child? Puts you in contact with a whole community, and gives you a great deal of self satisfaction in the process. Do what interests you, and you will put yourself in a position of coming into contact with people who share your interests and goals in life.

Very good advice!

Funny..my former roommates met my hubby at a bar in 2002 and brought him home from the bar. They introduced me to him and I thought he was just another hearing guy looking to score with deaf women by taking advantage of our deafness. We ended up being good friends and now we are married! Life is soooo strange sometimes! Never say never about the bar scene..

jillio · 08-23-2008, 12:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shel90

Very good advice!

Funny..my former roommates met my hubby at a bar in 2002 and brought him home from the bar. They introduced me to him and I thought he was just another hearing guy looking to score with deaf women by taking advantage of our deafness. We ended up being good friends and now we are married! Life is soooo strange sometimes! Never say never about the bar scene..

Ah, but you didn't meet him in a bar, nor were you in a bar looking for a partner.

Your roomate met him in the bar, but she isn't the one that ended up with the prize!

And you being skeptical about his motives gave you an advantage.

IslandBreeze07 · 08-23-2008, 12:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SCBassist

I'd say good call, someone who would immediately start discussing their insecurities or troubled life are turning to the wrong people, they should seek professional help. Don't be deceived, I've seen beautiful women with emotional baggage you wouldn't want to deal with. Keep searching til your instincts tell you she's a good potential catch, but don't be too desperate, take your time to make the right decision.

The thoughts above helped me choose between Jon and a Miami Dade motorcyle cop! The cop was so much FUN to go out and do things with. He had a lot of baggage that I didn't want to deal with. Jon was pretty much laid back. I was ready for a serious relationship so I chose Jon. We just celebrated 11 years last week.

jillio · 08-23-2008, 01:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IslandBreeze07

The thoughts above helped me choose between Jon and a Miami Dade motorcyle cop! The cop was so much FUN to go out and do things with. He had a lot of baggage that I didn't want to deal with. Jon was pretty much laid back. I was ready for a serious relationship so I chose Jon. We just celebrated 11 years last week.

Congratulations!!

IslandBreeze07 · 08-23-2008, 04:52 PM

Jillio!!!

Hermes · 08-23-2008, 10:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BradB08

I put my profile up on match.com about two weeks ago. I got a wink from a woman around here and while checking out her profile, noticed that we had a lot of similar interests, etc.

So, naturally, I sent her an email asking if she'd like to chat more. She gave me her Yahoo IM name and before I could add it, she had googled my name and found it.

Normally, I'd be creeped out by that. All she really had to do was ask. What I should have done was added her myself.

Anyway, so we start talking. It starts out good and simple, the way I like it. However, by the third day we chat online, she throws up another red flag: She says that she thinks I wouldn't like her, that I'd think she was ugly.

Why is this a red flag? It's an indicator of low self-esteem.

Anyway, that was the last time we chatted. I put her on ignore and removed her from my list.

Now, I'm wondering if what I did was fair or not.

You dont have to like her, you dont need to be with her but its rude to ignore people out of blue. A short note of "I believe we are not a good match, I see no reason for talking any further. Take care" would be a nice way of ending your social relationship. If she started to bother you afterwards than you have a reason to block her. The fact that she is not a good match for you has got nothing to do with how you end a social relationship with her. Unless they are the ones who are being rude at the first point, everybody deserves a basic courtesy.

Good Luck in your search
Hermes

sara1981 · 08-24-2008, 03:28 AM

im tell ya about dating websites that not good for people using googles meet nice gals or boys online!

im been googles of boys online dating and im no longer dating websites because of subcriptions and renewal reasons but i trust my mother for good reason on listing!

BradB08 · 08-24-2008, 10:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jillio

That should be another red flag for Brad08. If someone feels the need to "test" a new acquaintence, it is another indication of low self-esteem, and inability to trust, and it starts the relationship out on dishonesty and manipulation.

To answer the orignal question...not shallow at all.

That and she claims to have seen this thread, which just shows that she cannot trust people if she has to look them up and watch what they say/do.

jillio · 08-24-2008, 11:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BradB08

That and she claims to have seen this thread, which just shows that she cannot trust people if she has to look them up and watch what they say/do.

Yeppers! She has issues. Best not to make them yours.

08-16-2008, 11:36 PM	#1 (permalink)
BradB08 You talkin' to me? Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Vermont Posts: 1,735 Blog Entries: 1	Is this shallow/wrong? I put my profile up on match.com about two weeks ago. I got a wink from a woman around here and while checking out her profile, noticed that we had a lot of similar interests, etc. So, naturally, I sent her an email asking if she'd like to chat more. She gave me her Yahoo IM name and before I could add it, she had googled my name and found it. Normally, I'd be creeped out by that. All she really had to do was ask. What I should have done was added her myself. Anyway, so we start talking. It starts out good and simple, the way I like it. However, by the third day we chat online, she throws up another red flag: She says that she thinks I wouldn't like her, that I'd think she was ugly. Why is this a red flag? It's an indicator of low self-esteem. Anyway, that was the last time we chatted. I put her on ignore and removed her from my list. Now, I'm wondering if what I did was fair or not. I've already concluded that I'm not attracted to her but I pussed out and couldn't tell her that, instead of just ignoring her. A lot of things she said about her life threw me off as well. Maybe I am a dick. I saw what happened to my brother when he met a similar woman. She dragged him down and nearly ruined his life with her low self-esteem and negative outlook on life. He also lowered his standards to a point where he would accept anyone (not what I want to do) and he basically let her control his life. Because of my observations of his experience, I learned what I didn't want in a woman. I can't help but feel bad a bit. I feel really good about myself and right now, I don't have time for my own negativity, let alone someone else's. I'm trying to have more confidence in myself, in life, etc. Oh well. Maybe I should stop looking again before I hurt someone else or myself.

08-17-2008, 11:12 AM	#4 (permalink)
Bottesini Elf Assassin Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Sneaking up behind you Posts: 5,859 Blog Entries: 2	You might not want to spend your life reassuring someone. I think it is just the way that woman would get attention to focus on her. __________________ AllDeaf

08-17-2008, 12:18 PM	#6 (permalink)
*VamPyroX* bloody phreak from hell Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Hell Posts: 27,844	Perhaps, it was a test to see how you would respond. It's easy to do things unusual or things that would raise red flags when you're online. You don't have to worry because the other person you're talking to online can't see you and you can easily walk away from it when you make a mistake. __________________ Check out my city... CLICK HERE! (If you already visited yesterday, visit again today!)

08-17-2008, 12:34 PM	#7 (permalink)
lumbingmi Invigorated Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 4,262	Nope. You have the choice and u have to live or die with it. I would do the same thing. Why torture yourself when you could find better woman? Do yourself a favor by not limiting yourself to deaf women but open the possibility of dating hearing women. Also I may add, it s always best to go out to bars or gathering to meet women. Try to find "dphh" in your area and get urself in the game. __________________ Picard: Seize the time, Meribor, live now. Make now always the most precious time. Now will never come again. Meribor: I love you, father.

08-17-2008, 07:57 PM	#12 (permalink)
JClarke AD addict Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 14,113 Blog Entries: 4	Nigeran scammers! __________________ This is not a ASL version

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08-17-2008, 06:11 AM	#2 (permalink)
BradB08 You talkin' to me? Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Vermont Posts: 1,735 Blog Entries: 1	Hmm, I guess it isn't then. It's happened to me before as well.

08-17-2008, 09:34 AM	#3 (permalink)
Liza Cranial protocologist Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: St Augustine, FL Posts: 4,161 Blog Entries: 2	No one can fault you for trying to look for someone who has a positive attitude. That's not shallow.

08-17-2008, 11:15 AM	#5 (permalink)
Gemma Registered User Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 941	Never doubt your instincts.

08-17-2008, 02:41 PM	#9 (permalink)
Gemma Registered User Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 941	Brad, you make a better judge of your own decisions or instincts than any one of us from AD could ever be. Personally I would be turned off if a man tells me that he thinks I wont like him because he is too ugly or whatnot, I dont find these men with low self esteem attractive because I am not interested in falling for their bait. She wanted you to fall for her bait and reassure her that she is a beautiful woman etc - - you sensed that and walked away so dont ever doubt your instincts - clearly you are a sensitive young man if you felt bad for her but it is not your job to make every young single woman or even married woman feel beautiful and desired. That is a tough job to tackle onto. If you cant do bars or what you mentioned above, then continue with this venue - dont give up - you dont always catch a 20 lb. salmon on first try do you? Keep fishing on, man and you will be glad that you did not settle!

08-17-2008, 04:10 PM	#10 (permalink)
BradB08 You talkin' to me? Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Vermont Posts: 1,735 Blog Entries: 1	Thanks. Yeah I tend to agree and I've seen this crap from too many women. It seems to be a popular way to trap guys into settling for women that are bad for them.

08-17-2008, 07:52 PM	#11 (permalink)
Maria My love and I Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: FLORIDA Posts: 8,725	Just follow your instinct and heart what is the best for you.... and, hopefully that one day you will find a better and loving woman in your life - not a cold fish.

08-17-2008, 08:22 PM	#13 (permalink)
~Kaelei~ Slytherin Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Seattle, Washington Posts: 193	I honestly think you did what you think it's right for you. I can understand why you don't want the same thing happened to you as it did to your brother. I wish you luck, __________________

08-23-2008, 03:27 AM	#15 (permalink)
SCBassist ...And your point is? Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Spartanburg, SC Posts: 885	I'd say good call, someone who would immediately start discussing their insecurities or troubled life are turning to the wrong people, they should seek professional help. Don't be deceived, I've seen beautiful women with emotional baggage you wouldn't want to deal with. Keep searching til your instincts tell you she's a good potential catch, but don't be too desperate, take your time to make the right decision. __________________ Complaints Division Here

08-23-2008, 06:51 AM	#16 (permalink)
Phillips Lets ride horses! Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Spaceship Posts: 7,192 Blog Entries: 3	Advice.. going out deaf social or other!! I did put deafdate.com.. I talked with man online but felt too much for me! __________________ *Enjoy life today, Yesterday has past and Tomorrow may never come.*

08-23-2008, 04:52 PM	#23 (permalink)
IslandBreeze07 I do Ameriplan!!!! Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Sunshine State Posts: 399	Jillio!!! __________________ http://www.iboplus.com/KGraber http://www.mybenefitsplus.com/KGraber Life is like a farm. You have to get up early and do the chores

08-24-2008, 03:28 AM	#25 (permalink)
sara1981 Batista's fans Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: North Little Rock,Ar Posts: 3,282	im tell ya about dating websites that not good for people using googles meet nice gals or boys online! im been googles of boys online dating and im no longer dating websites because of subcriptions and renewal reasons but i trust my mother for good reason on listing! __________________