Deaf/Hearing relationships troubles

Your Mom · 08-17-2006, 11:42 AM

Okay my girlfriend is deaf, I am hearing. She is the first deaf girl I have ever dated. My sign is well enough that when its just us I never have any problem communicating with her and never have had a single problem understanding what she says.

The problem is, when we get around friends I just cant translate things I try the best that I can, and even while driving I try hard to let her know at minimum what the conversation is about. She cant read lips really at all. I feel horrible because I have noticed a few times seeing her feel very left out. My friends try to learn sign but its just like they make a joke of it they dont really try to learn and as with most people are only intersted in learning words for them selves such as curse words. (gah!)

So what can I do to try to make her feel more a part of the conversation while in the car or around a group of my friends that dont sign? I HATE having her feel left out, when shes sad I am sad and when shes having a bad time I have a bad time.

I am scared that this is the only problem we have in our relationship and it just makes me so upset to know that she feels left out.

I have asked her to please tell me immediatly when she feels left out so i know that i need to be trying to translate more, but she wont do it because she feels like if she says she feels left out it will ruin my time. And I try to tell her what ruins my time is when i worry that she feels left out or that im not doing a good enough job translating.

Could any deaf/hearing relationship people please give me some sort of idea on what I can do. Im willing to try anything.

And I dont know how to tell my friends this but they are really pissing me off, its like i cant hang out with them and my girlfriend because we cant just have a normal conversation, suddenly everything is about deaf culture and deaf talk they all ask tons of times for her to teach them curse words or they ask horribly stupid questions like "sooo do you drive?!"

I dont know what to do, my friends I can talk to, but with my girlfriend I just want her to be more comfortable with telling me she feels left out and I need to know what I can do to try to include her more in conversations. Im just not good enough at signing to translate very well. Its so hard to hear something with my ears and then try to spit out out at the same time with my hands.

----
i posted this in two areas hoping to get more responses, Im just so desperate to be able to fix this between us.

rockdrummer · 08-17-2006, 01:22 PM

hmm.. well as your ASL improves you will be able to translate better. As far as your friends go, I would just tell them that they are pissing you off and why. Tell them that their request are stupid and that they can talk about normal stuff around her and not just about deaf culture and other stupid questions. Good luck!

Your Mom · 08-17-2006, 01:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockdrummer

hmm.. well as your ASL improves you will be able to translate better. As far as your friends go, I would just tell them that they are pissing you off and why. Tell them that their request are stupid and that they can talk about normal stuff around her and not just about deaf culture and other stupid questions. Good luck!

I can translate fine, the problem is she tells me ohhh dont worry about me you dont have to worry about translating everything word for word, just let me know whats going on.

And then I find out later that she felt left out, I dont know what elst to do to try to include her. I have made her promise me to tell me immediatly when she feels left out, we even have a secret sign for it so she doesnt have to feel shy or let the whole room know shes feeling left out.

I guess i just need to talk with her more and make her tell me what i can do.

BearBeauty · 09-08-2006, 03:26 AM

I'm in a deaf/hearing relationship and my boyfriend is hearing.. Sometimes I do feel left out with hearing people around, but he tries to let me know what's going on. Not always possible. Sometimes you just can't worry about it. My boyfriend is a lot like you and he is learning sign language so he can translate converstations for me.. All you can do is keep learning and get better at signing. there is a way you can understand what it feels to be left out of converstations.. go with her to a deaf event or out with her deaf friends.. it's the same way, you will feel left out because she can't translate everything that is going on as well.
My boyfriend expierenced this and he understands how I feel around hearing people. That's the only advice i can really give you. This is my first deaf/hearing relationship as well.. All you can do is be there for her and try your best to tell her what's going on. And tell your friends how you feel. My boyfriend does it sometimes.. But i'm luckier that I can lipread well enough to catch a gist of the converstation. I know it's not possible for everyone.
I congratulate you on trying. It's hard but it's well worth the effort.

09-11-2006, 12:07 AM

That's how my wife feels sometimes. Because everyone hearing & feels left out & don't know what everyone is talking about. That's why I do my best in signing so that she knows what's going on. Also my family makes does make a strong effort to talk slow enough for her so she can read thier lips.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BearBeauty

I'm in a deaf/hearing relationship and my boyfriend is hearing.. Sometimes I do feel left out with hearing people around, but he tries to let me know what's going on. Not always possible. Sometimes you just can't worry about it. My boyfriend is a lot like you and he is learning sign language so he can translate converstations for me.. All you can do is keep learning and get better at signing. there is a way you can understand what it feels to be left out of converstations.. go with her to a deaf event or out with her deaf friends.. it's the same way, you will feel left out because she can't translate everything that is going on as well.
My boyfriend expierenced this and he understands how I feel around hearing people. That's the only advice i can really give you. This is my first deaf/hearing relationship as well.. All you can do is be there for her and try your best to tell her what's going on. And tell your friends how you feel. My boyfriend does it sometimes.. But i'm luckier that I can lipread well enough to catch a gist of the converstation. I know it's not possible for everyone.
I congratulate you on trying. It's hard but it's well worth the effort.

gnulinuxman · 09-11-2006, 12:28 AM

I didn't like those kinds of situations with my ex myself, Your Mom. While my ex could read lips just fine, there was also the issue of switching speakers--when one speaker finishes, the deaf person has to search for the speaker, which takes time and the deaf person misses the start of each speaker's message.

And signing everybody's part is not a good option either for various reasons, even if you're a certified interpreter.

My current gf is hard-of-hearing with declining hearing, and it may not be long before we're in those situations ourselves.

Your Mom, do you have any other deaf friends? Maybe you two could add some deaf people to the mix. Additionally, I can understand your hearing friends' curiosity about deafness--but there are some great books on Deaf Culture that you can recommend (like For Hearing People Only, which all my deaf friends recommend), and these can usually be found at your local library.

beautifulswan · 09-21-2006, 09:45 PM

Hi,

What about her Deaf friends?
From my experience, I suggest that you and your girlfriend host a small dinner party once or twice a month to have your hearing friends and her deaf friends come to your dinner parties. It had worked magically for us. That way, you don’t always have to translate and she won't be left out. You and your girlfriend can have fun together and when you have a moment, you just go to her and kiss her, "I love you, baby.” Or "Here is your drink, honey." She will be happier!

Be creative! Just don't depend all on your hearing friends' situation alone. They aren't more important than your girlfriend and her life.

Quote once mentioned: "Don’t sign and drive". No reason to be concerned about these incomplete conversation in car. It can finish at red light or at somewhere else. Yet better you two could holding hands. Like I said earlier, be creative!

Hope this helps.

beautifulswan · 09-21-2006, 09:48 PM

OOps

KrisOfMO · 09-29-2006, 12:18 AM

Get mature friends...

Lantana · 09-29-2006, 12:31 AM

Your friend is right. "Don't worry about me". You do not need to translate everything, just keep the deafie in the normal range of understanding. "We are talking about the divorce", or, "Her mom just remarried". And so on.

Been there, done that. You are trying too hard. Relax, the deaf person has to learn to stand up for himself and not be served on a silver platter!

vithios · 09-29-2006, 06:15 AM

Well first off, I would tell my friends off. I don't care who they are, I would tell them off, but be nice about it. While I have never been in a relationship with a Deaf person I might be able to give some advice. I think it would help a great deal if you learned more sign. That could help in translating some words. or if there is a word that you don't know a sign for then try to find another word for it that you know in sign and use it. I hope this helps you out. ^^

vithios · 09-29-2006, 06:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lantana

Your friend is right. "Don't worry about me". You do not need to translate everything, just keep the deafie in the normal range of understanding. "We are talking about the divorce", or, "Her mom just remarried". And so on.

Been there, done that. You are trying too hard. Relax, the deaf person has to learn to stand up for himself and not be served on a silver platter!

Dude. he wants to try hard. Its his girlfriend! I would try hard to if I had a Deaf boyfriend that was feeling left out. I would do my best to do anything that could help him become apart of the conversation.

08-17-2006, 11:42 AM	#1 (permalink)
Your Mom Registered User Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 519	Deaf/Hearing relationships troubles Okay my girlfriend is deaf, I am hearing. She is the first deaf girl I have ever dated. My sign is well enough that when its just us I never have any problem communicating with her and never have had a single problem understanding what she says. The problem is, when we get around friends I just cant translate things I try the best that I can, and even while driving I try hard to let her know at minimum what the conversation is about. She cant read lips really at all. I feel horrible because I have noticed a few times seeing her feel very left out. My friends try to learn sign but its just like they make a joke of it they dont really try to learn and as with most people are only intersted in learning words for them selves such as curse words. (gah!) So what can I do to try to make her feel more a part of the conversation while in the car or around a group of my friends that dont sign? I HATE having her feel left out, when shes sad I am sad and when shes having a bad time I have a bad time. I am scared that this is the only problem we have in our relationship and it just makes me so upset to know that she feels left out. I have asked her to please tell me immediatly when she feels left out so i know that i need to be trying to translate more, but she wont do it because she feels like if she says she feels left out it will ruin my time. And I try to tell her what ruins my time is when i worry that she feels left out or that im not doing a good enough job translating. Could any deaf/hearing relationship people please give me some sort of idea on what I can do. Im willing to try anything. And I dont know how to tell my friends this but they are really pissing me off, its like i cant hang out with them and my girlfriend because we cant just have a normal conversation, suddenly everything is about deaf culture and deaf talk they all ask tons of times for her to teach them curse words or they ask horribly stupid questions like "sooo do you drive?!" I dont know what to do, my friends I can talk to, but with my girlfriend I just want her to be more comfortable with telling me she feels left out and I need to know what I can do to try to include her more in conversations. Im just not good enough at signing to translate very well. Its so hard to hear something with my ears and then try to spit out out at the same time with my hands. ---- i posted this in two areas hoping to get more responses, Im just so desperate to be able to fix this between us.

09-11-2006, 12:28 AM	#6 (permalink)
gnulinuxman Registered User Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Wisconsin, USA Posts: 1,740	I didn't like those kinds of situations with my ex myself, Your Mom. While my ex could read lips just fine, there was also the issue of switching speakers--when one speaker finishes, the deaf person has to search for the speaker, which takes time and the deaf person misses the start of each speaker's message. And signing everybody's part is not a good option either for various reasons, even if you're a certified interpreter. My current gf is hard-of-hearing with declining hearing, and it may not be long before we're in those situations ourselves. Your Mom, do you have any other deaf friends? Maybe you two could add some deaf people to the mix. Additionally, I can understand your hearing friends' curiosity about deafness--but there are some great books on Deaf Culture that you can recommend (like For Hearing People Only, which all my deaf friends recommend), and these can usually be found at your local library. __________________ --Danny

09-29-2006, 12:31 AM	#10 (permalink)
Lantana Older and Wiser Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Oregon Coast/Washington Coast/Hawaii Posts: 385	Your friend is right. "Don't worry about me". You do not need to translate everything, just keep the deafie in the normal range of understanding. "We are talking about the divorce", or, "Her mom just remarried". And so on. Been there, done that. You are trying too hard. Relax, the deaf person has to learn to stand up for himself and not be served on a silver platter! __________________ "The best things in life are not things."

09-29-2006, 06:15 AM	#11 (permalink)
vithios Lord Sesshomaru Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Sanford, Fl. Posts: 103	Well first off, I would tell my friends off. I don't care who they are, I would tell them off, but be nice about it. While I have never been in a relationship with a Deaf person I might be able to give some advice. I think it would help a great deal if you learned more sign. That could help in translating some words. or if there is a word that you don't know a sign for then try to find another word for it that you know in sign and use it. I hope this helps you out. ^^ __________________ Hey, nothing wrong with being gay. >< gay ppls go here -----> http://s13.invisionfree.com/gay_guys ^^ ish a kewl gay forum ^^ and we need more members.....lol

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08-17-2006, 01:22 PM	#2 (permalink)
rockdrummer Always 1 beat off Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Chicago area Posts: 3,008	hmm.. well as your ASL improves you will be able to translate better. As far as your friends go, I would just tell them that they are pissing you off and why. Tell them that their request are stupid and that they can talk about normal stuff around her and not just about deaf culture and other stupid questions. Good luck!

09-08-2006, 03:26 AM	#4 (permalink)
BearBeauty Registered User Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 818	I'm in a deaf/hearing relationship and my boyfriend is hearing.. Sometimes I do feel left out with hearing people around, but he tries to let me know what's going on. Not always possible. Sometimes you just can't worry about it. My boyfriend is a lot like you and he is learning sign language so he can translate converstations for me.. All you can do is keep learning and get better at signing. there is a way you can understand what it feels to be left out of converstations.. go with her to a deaf event or out with her deaf friends.. it's the same way, you will feel left out because she can't translate everything that is going on as well. My boyfriend expierenced this and he understands how I feel around hearing people. That's the only advice i can really give you. This is my first deaf/hearing relationship as well.. All you can do is be there for her and try your best to tell her what's going on. And tell your friends how you feel. My boyfriend does it sometimes.. But i'm luckier that I can lipread well enough to catch a gist of the converstation. I know it's not possible for everyone. I congratulate you on trying. It's hard but it's well worth the effort.

09-21-2006, 09:45 PM	#7 (permalink)
beautifulswan Registered User Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 2	Hi, What about her Deaf friends? From my experience, I suggest that you and your girlfriend host a small dinner party once or twice a month to have your hearing friends and her deaf friends come to your dinner parties. It had worked magically for us. That way, you don’t always have to translate and she won't be left out. You and your girlfriend can have fun together and when you have a moment, you just go to her and kiss her, "I love you, baby.” Or "Here is your drink, honey." She will be happier! Be creative! Just don't depend all on your hearing friends' situation alone. They aren't more important than your girlfriend and her life. Quote once mentioned: "Don’t sign and drive". No reason to be concerned about these incomplete conversation in car. It can finish at red light or at somewhere else. Yet better you two could holding hands. Like I said earlier, be creative! Hope this helps.

09-21-2006, 09:48 PM	#8 (permalink)
beautifulswan Registered User Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 2	OOps

09-29-2006, 12:18 AM	#9 (permalink)
KrisOfMO KW Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Maryville, MO Posts: 6	Get mature friends...

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