Hearing Male, Deaf Female

I've been dating a deaf woman since the middle of last year. She is extremely intelligent (working on her master's degree, doing research on executive functioning in deaf individuals, and being accepted at conferences across the world to discuss her research), funny, sweet, nice and pretty. I really enjoy the time we spend together alone but I struggle in social situations.

She had hearing grandparents and had limited hearing as a child that has degraded with age but she learned to speak but only talks with me.
She doesn't speak in public because once hearing people realize that she can speak they start treating her like a hearing person (i.e. talking by not looking at her, touching their mouth while talking). I understand her mentality.

If we're in a group of hearing people who are talking she can't follow a conversation (I understand why) unless they sign or make the effort to look at her which is awkward to ask of people and really hurts the flow and experience of the gathering. I also haven't learned enough sign to be able to keep up with the conversation since I have to think about how to translate and have to rely a lot on finger-spelling; I have always struggled with language and confuse "g" and "h" and slip up on "m" and "n" as examples since I am not that flexible. I can't even reach my shoulder to sign boss or fully cross my fingers to sign "r" so it often looks like "u" or vice versa.

I experience the same thing when we're around her deaf roommates/friends where I can pick up a few signs but not enough to understand context and then by the time I figure that out, two other people have already said something and it is impossible to know what's going on. I can eventually learn to sign but she will never be able to learn to hear.

There are some really neat theaters near my house that she agrees that she would like to go to but is unable because there aren't any accommodations. Finding interpreted shows isn't always easy and it's tiring having to make accommodations all of the time. I miss things that I could do with a hearing girlfriend like being able to whisper in her ear, talk while we're watching TV, talk to her when she's in another room, or listen to someone talk while looking at my food to prepare to take another bite at meals.

I met someone who was married to a man who was deaf. They got divorced but it wasn't due to him being deaf but that he came out of the closet. I voiced to her that I really struggle with the signing and she said "you'll get used to it". But I don't know if I really want to "get used to it", I want it to be more of something that is natural. I really like being with her and and everything about her and our personalities seem to click well I just struggle with the deafness. I know people break up all of the time for reasons such as someone being lazy, or messy, or rude, or any other number of things; these people often work out their problems and then reunite. They also say that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" which can apply to those situations. However, I don't think there is any coming back from citing being unable to cope with her deafness as a reason for breaking up with her.

She is from the West Coast and I am from the East Coast and she has invited me to go to wedding with her and on a 10-day vacation. I will then be meeting her parents and the rest of her family. I said I would go months ago and we've been talking about it since then. She finally got her organization to book the ticket and I was about to book my ticket. Last week I received an e-mail inviting me to go on a trip to DC with my professional organization and the two dates they offered fall on days that I would be in Alaska. She offered that I didn't have to go to Alaska if I wanted to go to DC instead. I don't think she would have offered if she didn't sense some hesitance in my body language or if I was giving off some vibes or something.

Any advice on moving forward with the relationship?

It sounds like you're looking for "permission" to break up with her.

If you don't want to put in the time or energy to learn ASL and want a hearing girlfriend so you can talk to each other from other rooms etc then be honest and have the decency not to string her along for any longer.

You aren't cut out for being with a Hoh or d/Deaf women - and she deserves a man who is.

I was in a relationship with hearing girlfriend. Trust me, you don't need a deaf/hearing relationship. It's full of crap. I have seen it first handed.

There are many of us here on this site who have a hearing significant other. I am deaf my hubby is hearing. There are many ways to communicate. So you can't whisper in her ear, big deal!!!! Write love notes, use a white board, pen and paper, dragon app etc.etc.

All relationships take work, you just have to really want it. OMG is it really that terrible that you have to actually look at each other when you speak. If the only problem between you two is that she is deaf then I personally think you are very lucky. If you want to break up with her just because she is deaf, then by all means do HER the biggest favor and break up with her.

I think if you really want something to work, you fight for it. You do what you have to do to be happy. I think it's easy for us hearing people to get so distracted when we're talking in conversations to each other. We hear everything around us, we don't look at each other, we constantly are distracted by other things. What I always love about talking to some one who is Deaf, is that their focus is on me. Because of that, I keep my attention on them and the conversation and not what's around me.
Practice in your car,while laying in bed, watching a movie, fingerspelling or the alphabet so your hands can get "loosened up"
I agree with Anij that it sounds like you are wanting to break up with her. I think you need to really look at what you want in a relationship, because if she is as great as you make her out to sound, then why not make more of the effort. But if you feel you are making more of an effort and not enough gain, then I suggest you move on. Sorry, I rambled a lil there. Good Luck with whatever you decide.

I'm a hearing child from deaf parents, signing is one of those things you always have to work on. I still do and I'm 29. Although more work you put into it communication does come easier and writing love notes back and forth is always cute, I do it all the time.

My husband is hearing, I am deaf. He learned ASL ..no issues with the hearing and deaf thing in our marriage.

Our issues are more of who didn't take out the trash, who left a mess, and all those little annoying things that come with owning a house and having a child together.

I agree with Anji..seems like u are having doubts with this relationship.

Anij said:

It sounds like you're looking for "permission" to break up with her.

If you don't want to put in the time or energy to learn ASL and want a hearing girlfriend so you can talk to each other from other rooms etc then be honest and have the decency not to string her along for any longer.

You aren't cut out for being with a Hoh or d/Deaf women - and she deserves a man who is.

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Lol
Skois29,, I think you can ignore this poster. Wow . Ain't she a bitter one !!
It is obvious you want to have better communication. But that will take time. I have been in relationships with hearing women and it takes a lot of work. More than if you were with hearing people only.
Take the trip to alaska. It will get you more chances to find ways to open up avenues of communication. Of course that is if the grizzly bears don't. Eat you

Wirelessly posted

I think you already know what you need to do. If you are having doubts, then do the best thing for you both.