Tips from the Redneck Book of Manners

PePe LePew · 02-17-2009, 02:25 PM

TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it
is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral
home

***DINING OUT ***

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the
restaurant may not have dogs.

***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared
by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his
manners are.

***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several
days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of
finger foods

***DATING (Outside the Family) ***

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom
wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some
Will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is
the
answer,
it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such
as, "Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

***WEDDINGS***

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
Cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an
appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in
the sack.

***DRIVING ETTIQUETTE ***

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires
always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

radioman · 02-18-2009, 06:45 PM

pepe - are you a redneck ?

Babyblue · 02-18-2009, 06:50 PM

That is funny..

chris' mom · 02-19-2009, 02:37 AM

I always enjoy redneck jokes...thanks

02-17-2009, 02:25 PM	#1 (permalink)
PePe LePew Registered User Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Michigan Posts: 708	Tips from the Redneck Book of Manners TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home *DINING OUT * 1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. 2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs. *ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME * 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are. *PERSONAL HYGIENE * 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods *DATING (Outside the Family) * 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some Will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. 4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad." *WEDDINGS* 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a Cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. 5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack. *DRIVING ETTIQUETTE * 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. 6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. *TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER* 1. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records.

02-19-2009, 02:37 AM	#4 (permalink)
chris' mom Just Me!! Love it or not Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Fayetteville, AR Posts: 975	I always enjoy redneck jokes...thanks __________________ Lori & Sons Children are a gift from the Lord, indeed, they are a blessing.

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02-18-2009, 06:45 PM	#2 (permalink)
radioman Registered User Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 793	pepe - are you a redneck ?

02-18-2009, 06:50 PM	#3 (permalink)
Babyblue Registered User Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Florida Posts: 7,539	That is funny..