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08-27-2008, 02:07 PM
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#1 (permalink) |
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Weapon of mass percussion
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,090
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And that's when the fight started.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight
started.... ************************************************** ******* I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Milller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started. ************************************************** ******** After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And then the fight started..... ************************************************** ******** My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight! starte d..... ************************************************** ******** I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my c r, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?" And that's how the fight started..... ************************************************** ******** I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's how the fight started..... |
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08-27-2008, 02:55 PM
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#4 (permalink) |
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Weapon of mass percussion
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,090
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I as the creator of this thread had absolutly no problem with any of the posts and I didn't even get an explanation as to why they were removed. I find that somewhat disrespectful and in-considerate.
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08-27-2008, 03:11 PM
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#6 (permalink) | |
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YOU DOMESTIC DISSENT!
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Sopranos State
Posts: 22,962
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08-27-2008, 03:13 PM
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#7 (permalink) |
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Weapon of mass percussion
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,090
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Through a scheduling mix up, Jiro and a Jillio who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; Jillio on the top bunk, Jiro on the lower.
In the middle of the night Jillio leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." Jiro leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles Jillio. "Good," Jiro replies. "Get your own blanket." That's when the fight started. |
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08-27-2008, 03:19 PM
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#9 (permalink) | |
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Chicken in a Cat Suit
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,736
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08-27-2008, 03:23 PM
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#10 (permalink) |
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Weapon of mass percussion
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,090
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Jiro and Jillio went at each other on alldeaf back and fourth all day long. Rockdrummer suggested there was sexual tension between them.
Suddenly Jiro wanted to assert who wears the pants and tossed his pants to Jillio and said, "Here, put these on." Jillio put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right and don't forget it," said Jiro.. "I'm the man in this forum." With that, Jillio flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties." Jillio said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your damn attitude changes!" Tha'ts when the fight started. |
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08-27-2008, 03:25 PM
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#11 (permalink) |
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YOU DOMESTIC DISSENT!
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Sopranos State
Posts: 22,962
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oooooooooooooooooooo good one, Alley
 I actually lol'ed aloud at my office. I hope nobody heard me. "Get your own blanket." LOL LOL LOL it's actually true in IRL. My gf and I don't share blankets whenever we sleep together. I have this peculiar sleeping habit where I move a lot. I mean really a LOT. I guess it's probably because of my back. I can't sleep in one position long so I shifted a lot. Somehow - I don't see how it's possible for a couple especially married people to share one big blanket.... that's a lot of tugging and frustration! Save yourself a trouble and get your own blanket. LOL ....... and the fight begins.... 
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08-27-2008, 03:27 PM
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#12 (permalink) | |
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YOU DOMESTIC DISSENT!
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Sopranos State
Posts: 22,962
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08-27-2008, 03:34 PM
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#13 (permalink) |
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Weapon of mass percussion
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,090
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Jiro, proving to Jillio that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. Jillio thought about this, then told Jiro that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Looking stunned, Jiro said, "What?" Tha'ts when the fight started.
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08-27-2008, 03:43 PM
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#15 (permalink) | |
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Bodhar agus leath dall
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Middle of dog pack
Posts: 16,083
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This is terrible. I like them both! Please make up you guys!
__________________
 It's a joke Nathan!
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08-27-2008, 03:48 PM
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#16 (permalink) |
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Weapon of mass percussion
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,090
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Jillio and Jiro get into a car accident, and it's a bad one.
Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, Jillio says to Jiro, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." Jiro replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!" Jillio continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Jillio hands the bottle to Jiro. He shakes his head, opens it and says "You take the first drink", then hands it back to Jillio. She takes the bottle, immediately chugs half of it, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to Jiro. Jillio asks, "Aren't you having any?" Jiro replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..." And that's when the fight started. |
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08-27-2008, 03:49 PM
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#17 (permalink) | |
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Bodhar agus leath dall
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Middle of dog pack
Posts: 16,083
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Quote:
__________________
It's a joke Nathan!
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10-05-2009, 08:19 PM
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#23 (permalink) |
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Weapon of mass percussion
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,090
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started.... |
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10-05-2009, 08:20 PM
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#24 (permalink) |
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Weapon of mass percussion
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,090
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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started.... |
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10-05-2009, 08:21 PM
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#25 (permalink) |
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Weapon of mass percussion
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,090
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?' And that's when the fight started.... |
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10-05-2009, 08:23 PM
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#26 (permalink) |
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Weapon of mass percussion
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,090
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A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me acompliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'.....................And that's when the fight started.... |
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10-05-2009, 08:24 PM
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#27 (permalink) |
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Weapon of mass percussion
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,090
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first."I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Naaah, she can order for herself." I replied.............And that's when the fight started.... |
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10-05-2009, 08:25 PM
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#28 (permalink) |
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Weapon of mass percussion
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,090
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And that's when the fight started.... |
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10-05-2009, 08:25 PM
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#29 (permalink) |
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Weapon of mass percussion
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,090
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale. And that's when the fight started.... |
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10-05-2009, 08:28 PM
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#30 (permalink) |
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Weapon of mass percussion
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,090
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One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"..................And that's how the fight started..... |
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but he minded his own damn business like everybody else. 
That was funny
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