Sexuality Confusion...

BrainDork · 08-04-2008, 07:11 PM

I was raised Pentecostal Holiness and my family is anti-gay...

However, I've tried prayer and other options in hopes of ridding myself of gay affections and emotions but it doesn't seem to help. I've often wondered if it's because I didn't trust God enough, had lack of confidence in prayer, or didn't devote myself to God enough...

Due to this background... I'm at a serious place of confusion in my life.

However, with girls... romantically and friendship-wise I'm attracted... but guys it's all the above and more. To be honest, I'm very ashamed of these feelings and feel that God hates me even more because of this since that's how I was raised... Including the fact that I am not changing to being straight because according to everyone else... only God can change you but if you don't try to help yourself it won't change.

What should I do at this point?

I'm 21-years-old and I want to have a boyfriend and decent relationship even if I am in the closet... because Lord forbid if I come out, I lose my family.

Wokamuka · 08-04-2008, 11:08 PM

You seem to have a very low opinion of yourself. You leave yourself very vulnerable in letting others live your life for you instead of you living your life.

At 21, your family still remains as a dominant influence of your life; they were your complete support.

Is it time for you to become an adult and, mindfully, lead your with your heart? It's your life and God will not hate you for giving it to you.

BrainDork · 08-04-2008, 11:16 PM

Yea, I have very low self-esteem and all that crap... Am working on it though.

There's really no excuse how anyone looks at it... But sometimes I just have no idea what route to take next mainly because I'm used to being told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it... It's just something I'm used to.

However, I'm really tired of that but I'm so confused which direction my heart wants to lead in because I can't figure out how to hear my voice over everyone else's in my mind.

jillio · 08-04-2008, 11:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrainDork

Yea, I have very low self-esteem and all that crap... Am working on it though.

There's really no excuse how anyone looks at it... But sometimes I just have no idea what route to take next mainly because I'm used to being told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it... It's just something I'm used to.

However, I'm really tired of that but I'm so confused which direction my heart wants to lead in because I can't figure out how to hear my voice over everyone else's in my mind.

You are the one that has to live your life. Family and friends cannot do that for you. Be true to yourself, first and foremost.

BrainDork · 08-05-2008, 12:02 AM

Yea...

But to be honest (don't tell my Pentecostal mama) if I was true to myself... I'd be so wild it would truly be pitiful (not anything illegal or dangerous). I'd be so crazy that I probably wouldn't recognize my personality anymore... Hell, AD wouldn't be able to contain me even though I will abide by the rules and stuff... *devilish grin*

jillio · 08-05-2008, 12:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrainDork

Yea...

But to be honest (don't tell my Pentecostal mama) if I was true to myself... I'd be so wild it would truly be pitiful (not anything illegal or dangerous). I'd be so crazy that I probably wouldn't recognize my personality anymore... Hell, AD wouldn't be able to contain me even though I will abide by the rules and stuff... *devilish grin*

Perhaps because the personality to show to others is not really yours. It is the one that has been taught to you, and the one you believe you have to show to others to gain their acceptance.

KarissaMann05 · 08-05-2008, 02:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrainDork

I was raised Pentecostal Holiness and my family is anti-gay...

However, I've tried prayer and other options in hopes of ridding myself of gay affections and emotions but it doesn't seem to help. I've often wondered if it's because I didn't trust God enough, had lack of confidence in prayer, or didn't devote myself to God enough...

Due to this background... I'm at a serious place of confusion in my life.

However, with girls... romantically and friendship-wise I'm attracted... but guys it's all the above and more. To be honest, I'm very ashamed of these feelings and feel that God hates me even more because of this since that's how I was raised... Including the fact that I am not changing to being straight because according to everyone else... only God can change you but if you don't try to help yourself it won't change.

What should I do at this point?

I'm 21-years-old and I want to have a boyfriend and decent relationship even if I am in the closet... because Lord forbid if I come out, I lose my family.

Be honest with you - I really want to explain but I am not allowed to say about God or Jesus or other religions. Indeed, you can't discuss about religions, AllDeaf not allow this religion stuff so...

However, I can say some things... Jillio is right: "You are the one that has to live your life. Family and friends cannot do that for you. Be true to yourself, first and foremost."

If you have a LiveJournal (or other website pages & online journals), you should go to visit some homosexuality communities and they are very friendly. I visit them sometimes, trust me, it's many things to learn about their lifestyles. Quite interesting, believe me.

You should accept who you are, not listen to what they say so. I'm really sorry that how they treated you differently but they have no rights to tell you what to do.

Cheer on, dude.

Chase · 08-05-2008, 02:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KarissaMann05

Be honest with you - I really want to explain but I am not allowed to say about God or Jesus or other religions. Indeed, you can't discuss about religions, AllDeaf not allow this religion stuff so...

Although several misinformed members keep saying it over and over, it is not true that discussions about religion are prohibited.

Only the religious debate forum was closed because of idiots who don't know how to discuss.

Although unsolicited proselyzation is discouraged at All Deaf, for good reason, since Braindork brought religion into his question as a factor, you may certainly answer in kind.

Don't let the anti-religious zealots keep you from stating your viewpoint when asked. That's their diabolical aim.

BradB08 · 08-05-2008, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chase

Don't let the anti-religious zealots keep you from stating your viewpoint when asked. That's their diabolical aim.

A bit off-topic, but bear with me for a minute.

I don't think people are truly anti-religion. I think they are sick and tired of being chased by people with religious pamphlets in their hands. I know I am.

When I played sports at my deaf school growing up, every time we went to play a hearing team,especially if they were at a Christian school, they'd shower us with religious pamphlets and make us join in on prayer.

I always feel that religious people try to take advantage of the curious nature of some Deaf people and that's wrong.

It's ok to be religious but do not go overboard on "spreading the good news" because I interpret that as forced indoctrination.

shel90 · 08-05-2008, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BradB08

A bit off-topic, but bear with me for a minute.

I don't think people are truly anti-religion. I think they are sick and tired of being chased by people with religious pamphlets in their hands. I know I am.

When I played sports at my deaf school growing up, every time we went to play a hearing team,especially if they were at a Christian school, they'd shower us with religious pamphlets and make us join in on prayer.

I always feel that religious people try to take advantage of the curious nature of some Deaf people and that's wrong.

It's ok to be religious but do not go overboard on "spreading the good news" because I interpret that as forced indoctrination.

KarissaMann05 · 08-05-2008, 07:50 PM

Thanks, Chase.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BradB08

A bit off-topic, but bear with me for a minute.

I don't think people are truly anti-religion. I think they are sick and tired of being chased by people with religious pamphlets in their hands. I know I am.

When I played sports at my deaf school growing up, every time we went to play a hearing team,especially if they were at a Christian school, they'd shower us with religious pamphlets and make us join in on prayer.

I always feel that religious people try to take advantage of the curious nature of some Deaf people and that's wrong.

It's ok to be religious but do not go overboard on "spreading the good news" because I interpret that as forced indoctrination.

Indeed, I agreed mostly... you see, I'm tired of being pushed my belief in theirs, mocked and attacked all the time, and go on too.
But please don't blame on Christianity harshly. Some are not 'evil' Christians and I'm not a 'bad' Christian either... so please don't think too much of this same title...

Anyway - BrianDork... Actually, Jesus/God does love you for who you are, so He is just don't like what sins are doing in somewhere else. Personally, I don't think homsexual is a sin because it's part of the love. It really sadden me when many Christians and other believers began to forget what God's love is... Many Chrisitians just left the Chrisitianity...

Okay - you don't trust God because you don't get answers from Him, that point is you have a lack of faith in Him before you lost trust Him. Don't you try to stay trust and some faith in Him? To me, I'm sure that God/Jesus loves GBTL people as long as they are not doing with 'evil' stuff (not inculding love and marriage or romance stuff) like harm others, killing others, stealing others, or any nasty stuff. Believe me, I didn't get some answers from Him yet I still trusted Him faithfully. It turned out, it's doing fine and well. Be remember, He is so amazing.

Its actually up to you if you want to part of the GBLT community and stay trust and faith in Him or not. That's fine. No one should force you to do so.

If you see your family and friends are in a 'wrongdoing mode', I suggest you to show them a verse: Gal 5:22-23, 26. They should know they are not suppose to judge you through the Bible said... I don't feel comfortable to give you more verses but you can google it and to learn more.

If you don't like the Christianity, that's fine. Its your desicion to stay there or leave. No one should tell you what to do.

I hope this comment may help you better. Wish you a good luck.

faeryterp · 08-05-2008, 11:08 PM

hi brian, its hard being where you are now. many of us (GLBT)have experienced sistuations very simular to yours. Its scary to let go of what you know, your family and your faith to follow what your heart is calling you to do. For me there was also a lot of guilt, because I was going to follow my heart and it was going to hurt the people I loved.

Your faith what ever it is will be with you, it may change and grow as you do but it is something that other can not take from you.

Your family, hopefuly will in time understand and except or love you enough to stay by you as you embrace who you are.

Be yourself, love yourself, have faith in those you love that with time your relationship with them,though different, will be stronger then before.

You are not alone, none of us are. Stay in touch. Talking helps a lot.

best wishes

deafdyke · 08-06-2008, 03:30 AM

Quote:

I don't think people are truly anti-religion. I think they are sick and tired of being chased by people with religious pamphlets in their hands. I know I am.

When I played sports at my deaf school growing up, every time we went to play a hearing team,especially if they were at a Christian school, they'd shower us with religious pamphlets and make us join in on prayer.

I always feel that religious people try to take advantage of the curious nature of some Deaf people and that's wrong.

It's ok to be religious but do not go overboard on "spreading the good news" because I interpret that as forced indoctrination.

Exactly! I have a friend who is very religious, and SHE can't stand the way a lot of those hyper Christians are.
Back on topic. There's actually a ton of stuff out there for GLB Pentes/religious people in general. I'll have to see if I can dig anything up for you.
As to your feelings for boys.......do you think you're bi or gay? You really don't have to put a label on yourself just yet. It takes time (and more time then "normal" society thinks) to find yourself. At your age I was still " oh I had those feelings for Maureen (my first ever crush) but its still possible that I might fall in love with a guy. Sexuality is a lot more broad and flexiable then just gay or 100% straight.

jillio · 08-06-2008, 10:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BradB08

A bit off-topic, but bear with me for a minute.

I don't think people are truly anti-religion. I think they are sick and tired of being chased by people with religious pamphlets in their hands. I know I am.

When I played sports at my deaf school growing up, every time we went to play a hearing team,especially if they were at a Christian school, they'd shower us with religious pamphlets and make us join in on prayer.

I always feel that religious people try to take advantage of the curious nature of some Deaf people and that's wrong.

It's ok to be religious but do not go overboard on "spreading the good news" because I interpret that as forced indoctrination.

Well said.

Chase · 08-06-2008, 12:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BradB08

A bit off-topic, but bear with me for a minute.

I don't think people are truly anti-religion. I think they are sick and tired of being chased by people with religious pamphlets in their hands. I know I am.

When I played sports at my deaf school growing up, every time we went to play a hearing team,especially if they were at a Christian school, they'd shower us with religious pamphlets and make us join in on prayer.

I always feel that religious people try to take advantage of the curious nature of some Deaf people and that's wrong.

It's ok to be religious but do not go overboard on "spreading the good news" because I interpret that as forced indoctrination.

Granted, even though I narrowed the behavior to zealots. They arn't satisfied just to have anti-religious beliefs. They must demand others conform to them, also.

That happens as much here as the behaviors of the religious zealot.

Your point is well taken, as long as it applies to the person who must constantly force his or her anti-religious "religion" on everyone else.

Liebling:-))) · 08-06-2008, 12:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BradB08

A bit off-topic, but bear with me for a minute.

I don't think people are truly anti-religion. I think they are sick and tired of being chased by people with religious pamphlets in their hands. I know I am.

When I played sports at my deaf school growing up, every time we went to play a hearing team,especially if they were at a Christian school, they'd shower us with religious pamphlets and make us join in on prayer.

I always feel that religious people try to take advantage of the curious nature of some Deaf people and that's wrong.

It's ok to be religious but do not go overboard on "spreading the good news" because I interpret that as forced indoctrination.

Well Said!!! Relgion beleivers have the problem to accept people´s different belief/POV over religion... Example I´m for bible history, not do what the bible say or follow the bible verus.

sweetstarz · 08-06-2008, 01:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrainDork

I was raised Pentecostal Holiness and my family is anti-gay...

However, I've tried prayer and other options in hopes of ridding myself of gay affections and emotions but it doesn't seem to help. I've often wondered if it's because I didn't trust God enough, had lack of confidence in prayer, or didn't devote myself to God enough...

Due to this background... I'm at a serious place of confusion in my life.

However, with girls... romantically and friendship-wise I'm attracted... but guys it's all the above and more. To be honest, I'm very ashamed of these feelings and feel that God hates me even more because of this since that's how I was raised... Including the fact that I am not changing to being straight because according to everyone else... only God can change you but if you don't try to help yourself it won't change.

What should I do at this point?

I'm 21-years-old and I want to have a boyfriend and decent relationship even if I am in the closet... because Lord forbid if I come out, I lose my family.

I think I've gone through some similar things as you... granted, I'm a woman, but I feel the same way about women that you do about men. I went through a period where I felt God hated me not because I was gay, but because I "chose" to practice a gay lifestyle. I've since decided I can't be happy with myself unless I stay out of homosexual relationships (just got out of a 14-month relationship with a woman due to this and other reasons).

I think you really need to decide for yourself what you can deal with. Some Christians are able to live a homosexual lifestyle without letting a guilt plague them (although I personally don't understand that), some know they have to stop being openly gay (like me, as much as I hate to admit it), and some choose to continue their lifestyle without being openly Christian.

I tell you, it will most likely be one of the hardest decisions you will have to make, but you can do it. I am happy with my decision even though it feels like I'm giving part of myself up (only because I know that the other part is going to be much happier in the end).

ALL IN ALL, I would advise you to talk with someone... a pastor (even one at another church!), a friend, or someone you trust. I think that should help get you started in the right direction.

GOOD LUCK... and God Bless.

KarissaMann05 · 08-06-2008, 01:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Liebling:-)))

Well Said!!! Relgion beleivers have the problem to accept people´s different belief/POV over religion... Example I´m for bible history, not do what the bible say or follow the bible verus.

I understood what you mean, however, I respectfully disagreed.

I already mentioned it a several times, and I also was attacked to be forced to accept their non-religious beliefs as facts by unbelievers (with that reason, they think I'm so crazy/stupid for believing in the [KJV] Bible 100%)...

Therefore, it's not only believers/religious people. Non-religious people does, too.

Wokamuka · 08-06-2008, 09:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetstarz

I think I've gone through some similar things as you... granted, I'm a woman, but I feel the same way about women that you do about men. I went through a period where I felt God hated me not because I was gay, but because I "chose" to practice a gay lifestyle. I've since decided I can't be happy with myself unless I stay out of homosexual relationships (just got out of a 14-month relationship with a woman due to this and other reasons).

I'm pleased to see an "ex-gay" voice balancing this forum out. It's good for everyone to see all sides/passion. Personally, I hope your journey works out the way you want it to.

BradB08 · 08-07-2008, 03:41 AM

There's no such thing as "ex-gay".

That would be like me waking up one day and calling myself an ex-straight.

Liebling:-))) · 08-07-2008, 08:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KarissaMann05

I understood what you mean, however, I respectfully disagreed.

I already mentioned it a several times, and I also was attacked to be forced to accept their non-religious beliefs as facts by unbelievers (with that reason, they think I'm so crazy/stupid for believing in the [KJV] Bible 100%)...

Therefore, it's not only believers/religious people. Non-religious people does, too.

I only speak out of my experience what I had been through with one religion of different religions and non-religions because my POV on Bible history was being attacked by some people who worship same religion and also being accused that I mock God etc which is not true, that's because I hurt their feeling. The bible history is public for everyone to read... I cannot hide the fact what I know from the bible. I only speak out what I know from bible history because I love to read bible history and know a lot about this, is fact, not mock... Yes, I also use it as theory sometimes... I have no problem with different religions and non-religions except one religion because we accept each other over our different POV on our beliefs. Yes, I know you are a good and neutral person because I know your posts at religion threads.

wow, I'm sorry that I didn't know that you was being attacked by non-beleivers over your beleif in KJV Bible. I must have miss it? I would ask them to respect your POV what you beleive in if I read their posts toward you. I'm sorry... - I know you & I have different POV over religion belief but you & I have no problem to respect each other... don't we? I know we have different POV but we are still friends...

jillio · 08-07-2008, 11:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BradB08

There's no such thing as "ex-gay".

That would be like me waking up one day and calling myself an ex-straight.

IFone claims to be "ex-gay", one of 2 things are possible:

1) One was never homosexual to begin with, and was simply experimenting, or 2)one has slipped into a serious case of denial.

One does not have to be gay to particiapte in a homosexual realtionship. Likewise, a homosexual who chooses not to participate in a homosexual relationship does not suddenly become ex-gay through that conscious choice. They are just gay but not in a homosexual realtionship. A homosexual who refuses gay relationships, and participates only in heterosexual relationships despite knowing that they are gay is lying to both themselves and their partner. Dishonesty is not the stuff of a happy life.

KarissaMann05 · 08-07-2008, 01:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Liebling:-)))

I only speak out of my experience what I had been through with one religion of different religions and non-religions because my POV on Bible history was being attacked by some people who worship same religion and also being accused that I mock God etc which is not true, that's because I hurt their feeling. The bible history is public for everyone to read... I cannot hide the fact what I know from the bible. I only speak out what I know from bible history because I love to read bible history and know a lot about this, is fact, not mock... Yes, I also use it as theory sometimes... I have no problem with different religions and non-religions except one religion because we accept each other over our different POV on our beliefs. Yes, I know you are a good and neutral person because I know your posts at religion threads.
Okay, I understood. Sometimes, its really bugs me off when AD'ers kept saying only believers did as if it's "their faults" when it's not totally possible. I just hate see when it come to blame on "all" believers for many reasons here AllDeaf... yet I see a few unbelievers did attack others some time ago... so I don't think it's only believers, that point is, both just need to be stop a finger point at each other. My opinion...
wow, I'm sorry that I didn't know that you was being attacked by non-beleivers over your beleif in KJV Bible. I must have miss it? I would ask them to respect your POV what you beleive in if I read their posts toward you. I'm sorry... - I know you & I have different POV over religion belief but you & I have no problem to respect each other... don't we? I know we have different POV but we are still friends...

Heh, thanks.

I'd aware of we are a different POVs.

But, not in here. Outside of AllDeaf; for actual example, they even called me an ignorant for believing in my Bible because many of them believed it is totally fairy-tale stories. There are more to say, but I'd rather to not bring some old news anyway.

Okay, let's go back on topic. ^_^;;

08-04-2008, 07:11 PM	#1 (permalink)
BrainDork Registered User Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: West Virginia Posts: 17	Sexuality Confusion... I was raised Pentecostal Holiness and my family is anti-gay... However, I've tried prayer and other options in hopes of ridding myself of gay affections and emotions but it doesn't seem to help. I've often wondered if it's because I didn't trust God enough, had lack of confidence in prayer, or didn't devote myself to God enough... Due to this background... I'm at a serious place of confusion in my life. However, with girls... romantically and friendship-wise I'm attracted... but guys it's all the above and more. To be honest, I'm very ashamed of these feelings and feel that God hates me even more because of this since that's how I was raised... Including the fact that I am not changing to being straight because according to everyone else... only God can change you but if you don't try to help yourself it won't change. What should I do at this point? I'm 21-years-old and I want to have a boyfriend and decent relationship even if I am in the closet... because Lord forbid if I come out, I lose my family.

08-04-2008, 11:08 PM	#2 (permalink)
Wokamuka 1.20.09 : end of an error Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: U.S.A. Posts: 1,827	You seem to have a very low opinion of yourself. You leave yourself very vulnerable in letting others live your life for you instead of you living your life. At 21, your family still remains as a dominant influence of your life; they were your complete support. Is it time for you to become an adult and, mindfully, lead your with your heart? It's your life and God will not hate you for giving it to you. __________________

08-05-2008, 11:08 PM	#12 (permalink)
faeryterp Registered User Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: missouri Posts: 47	hi brian, its hard being where you are now. many of us (GLBT)have experienced sistuations very simular to yours. Its scary to let go of what you know, your family and your faith to follow what your heart is calling you to do. For me there was also a lot of guilt, because I was going to follow my heart and it was going to hurt the people I loved. Your faith what ever it is will be with you, it may change and grow as you do but it is something that other can not take from you. Your family, hopefuly will in time understand and except or love you enough to stay by you as you embrace who you are. Be yourself, love yourself, have faith in those you love that with time your relationship with them,though different, will be stronger then before. You are not alone, none of us are. Stay in touch. Talking helps a lot. best wishes __________________ Let the beauty we love be what we do rumi Taino Ti'

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08-04-2008, 11:16 PM	#3 (permalink)
BrainDork Registered User Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: West Virginia Posts: 17	Yea, I have very low self-esteem and all that crap... Am working on it though. There's really no excuse how anyone looks at it... But sometimes I just have no idea what route to take next mainly because I'm used to being told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it... It's just something I'm used to. However, I'm really tired of that but I'm so confused which direction my heart wants to lead in because I can't figure out how to hear my voice over everyone else's in my mind.

08-05-2008, 12:02 AM	#5 (permalink)
BrainDork Registered User Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: West Virginia Posts: 17	Yea... But to be honest (don't tell my Pentecostal mama) if I was true to myself... I'd be so wild it would truly be pitiful (not anything illegal or dangerous). I'd be so crazy that I probably wouldn't recognize my personality anymore... Hell, AD wouldn't be able to contain me even though I will abide by the rules and stuff... devilish grin

08-07-2008, 03:41 AM	#20 (permalink)
BradB08 You talkin' to me? Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Vermont Posts: 1,734 Blog Entries: 1	There's no such thing as "ex-gay". That would be like me waking up one day and calling myself an ex-straight.

08-07-2008, 04:09 PM	#24 (permalink)
sweetstarz finding myself again