rockin'robin

When my oldest son, now 20, moved out at 19, I was a little disappointed, because I was thinking he was too young to be tied down with his girlfriend. She is well-liked, just somewhat immature (so is my son).

But no amount of talking and advise would change their minds. Now for the 5th time, he calls and says they are arguing and fighting, he can't deal with it anymore, and to come pick him up!

I haven't made up my mind whether to do that or not....as the going back and forth is getting to be "old news"!.....Plus, his job is on that side of Town (15-20 miles away)....I knew another bust up was coming, but the in and out is getting to be a lot of drama, and I don't want to deal with it. When they break up, she starts phoning and calling him all the time.

Any advise here?...I told him on the phone that I was busy and would call him back later, and if possible pick him up tomorrow. So I was just giving them some time to work out whatever they are arguing about....

Deafness

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Berry

At times I am a bit of an ass.

I am not a bandage. I cannot solve your problem and I won't keep patching it.

This is not a skinned knee. You have to grow up. Some day I may be old and have to rely on you. Your children will have to rely on you until they grow up and become strong. You have to develop the strength to be that person we will all need someday.

Start today.

Call me when you have decided on a final solution to the situation and I will back you up.

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Living life in the sandbox.

Journey

As parents it is hard not to do all we can to help our kids but there comes a time when helping becomes 'shielding them from the consequences of their own actions' and that is never good. I am generally with Berry on this and think your decision to give them a day to see if things change is a good one. My response would be, "Sorry Hun, you are old enough to make the choice to move out on your own, you are old enough to get yourself back home if it is necessary. I love you and my door is open but my shuttle service is closed."

green427

^^^^^^^




Robin: Sometimes you gotta show tough love....my co-worker went through the same thing with her kids....and the kids never learned how to survive on their own due to the mom bailing them out of every situation they've put themselves in.

p.s. Why can't he come to you on his own? Doesn't he have transportation?

Journey

green427, is that "^^^^^ wtf" in response to what I said?

green427

No, it is in response to the one above you....you posted your comment while I was typing....

Journey

Ah ok, just wanted to know if I needed to clarify something.

green427

Ok, I thought the person posting #2 was related to the OP....but is actually typing what he would say to the son......got it.

Haven't had any caffeine today...time to drink some....

Journey

Ahh a caffeine withdrawal induced "wtf", those are understandable .

rockin'robin

His job is only 2 blocks from where they live, so he walks....and is trying to save for a car.....He could catch a bus to my house, would take about an hour (changing buses downtown), but with all his clothes and stuff, would be impossible to carry them all on the bus....

Fact is, times before when I went to get him, the girlfriend was crying....which made me feel bad...plus loading up my car with all his stuff, bringing it back home...then 2-3 days later...he says they have "made up" and he wants to go back....

So I'm thinking it might be best to wait until tomorrow and not answer the phone this evening or night (if it is him calling)....give them some time to work it out if possible....

If not, then again, I'll go get him. He needs to make up his mind, once and for all, if he wants to be single and play the field, or if he wants to "play house."....In reality, he's too young, I've told him that before many times, and suggested that he and his g/f just date and see each other.

Journey

Oh so he has actually "moved out" 5 times, not just come home for little time out? Yup, my shuttle service would definitely be closed after the second or third time. But, also having a 19 yr old son myself, I do understand where your heart is.

rockin'robin

Yeah. His girlfriend is really nice and comes from a nice family. But they argue too much....Just wish they would just see each other on the weekends, because playing house right now isn't the right thing to do.

Angel1989

RR, I feel for you. All three kids are out of my house. When my son turned 18 he moved out, I did not want him to. So I gave him 3 months to change his mind. He could come back anytime during those 3 months. After that, one of the girls would take over his room and the invite to move back home was not an option. There have been a few close calls. Of course if he desperately needed to I would make room. But, he never took me up on the offer, and I feel he is a stronger person for it. Tough love is so very TOUGH!! Good luck!!

VacationGuy234

Yes, this is not life and death, tell him to man up an work it out with her. Honestly, you are not going to be around forever and he has to build his own relationships. He'll be OK.

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TXgolfer

Ohhhhhh, I thought it was "many splintered thing" That's like.....totally different.

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Sometimes at night, I see their faces. I feel the traces they've left on my soul

rockin'robin

My 2 younger boys used to share a BR when my oldest son was here....now that he's moved out, the younger boys have their "own" bedrooms, and by golly, no plans to change it! ...So whenever my oldest son comes, he sleeps on the sofa or makes a bedding on the floor...

He hasn't called back yet...got my fingers crossed that they made up and are getting along after the big blow-up.

I do remember how it was when I was "young and in Love"...and I'm sure he misses my cooking (as his g/f can't cook), so they eat out all the time, or Ramen Noodles.....he's always asking me to bake some Brownies w/Walnuts whenever he comes over....And believing that I've spoiled him too much, but it's time to grow up.

Reba

I might pick him up to come home but I definitely would never give him any future rides to visit or move back in with the girlfriend.

Are they living together and sharing expenses in an apartment? Are there are financial or legal entanglements, such as a lease in his name? No children involved, right?

There is nothing to "work out" until they're married. He's not obligated to stay with her until then. Tears or no tears.

You're right that they shouldn't be playing house. It's obvious that as long as they keep breaking up and making up, they aren't ready for a real commitment. They should stick with dating. If they feel it's serious, they should get some pre-marital counseling. Even if they aren't ready for marriage, the counseling can open up their eyes to some issues.

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rockin'robin

The g/f got an apartment, and badgered him to move in with her. So I believe the apartment is in her name only, but I'm not too sure....(as I don't want to seem too nosey about their affairs)....And no children are involved, thank goodness!...She wants to get married, he doesn't. And says he doesn't want any kids either.....

They've been together a few years, off and on....so of course, it's painful to break up completely, and whenever they do have "problems", the g/f comes to my house.

saywhatkid

"Playing house" often ends up as "Playing parents." Make sure your son knows the consequences of a little one coming into his life.

Sounds like they are both struggling to stay together. Much too young for the situation, IMO. One thing I have learned; whatever made people break up in the first place usually does not go away. People get lonely and decide to overlook that problem for a bit, but it always lingers. Good luck with this.

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Reba

I still think the counseling would air out these fundamental differences they have; they may be unsuited for each other. It also might good that they spend a designated time away from each other. That is, something like a three-month cooling off period where they don't contact each other at all and develop other interests. (I suppose that's expecting too much.)

rockin'robin

No phone call last night, and none today!....So my guess is that they worked it out.......(for a little while anyway )...The perils of "young Love"....

Berry

My mother never turned me away from her door for any reason and I won't turn away one of my children without extreme reasons -- and those are not limited to "blood" children. If they grew up loving me and calling me Dad, they are mine. There is room for them somewhere.

I have a 7 rules:

I don't lie to you, don't lie to me.

I don't lie about you, don't lie about me.

I don't steal from you, don't steal from me.

I don't tell you how to run your life, do not tell me how to run mine.

I will listen to, and think about, your opinions concerning myself and my life. Don't tell me you and your life are none of my business.

Everyone who stays over night does their share of the chores.

Everyone who enters my property will respect each other and the law while they are there.

Follow those rules and you can come and go as you please.

But I do have a life. I have things I want to do. Places I want to be. Ways I wish to spend my time. I will not waste it constantly patching things that need fixing once and for all, running around like a yo - yo, or baby sitting adult children.

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Living life in the sandbox.

Angel1989

These are very similar to my rules. I will not tell them, but I would love for them to move home. Since they all are away at college, this house is way to quiet.

KristinaB

My daughter (18 at end of this month) is not planning on moving out. She wants to be around in case I need help due to mobility issues, Also, she has such learning issues that she doesn't feel she can take care of her own house.

Son (16, 17 in May) has plans on moving back to Missouri, but not totally decided yet. We told son he would basically have the same rules I had when I turned 18.

1. Be in school, or if finished with school, get a job.
2. Help around the house. Keep your room clean.
3. Obey the house rules. (no smoking, no drinking, no drugs)
4. Obey all laws and town rules and codes.
5. Respect your parents in all things.
6. If you want something special to eat, do it yourself.
7. Clean up after yourself.
8. Boys are not exempt from cleaning bathroom. Do your part.
9. Please keep your body clean and not smelling like the sewer.
10. Do not tell your parents how to9 run their lives.

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Taking life one day at a time.

Grayma

My parents told us that at 18 we either had to have jobs and pay them rent or be enrolled and attending school (and making decent grades) or we couldn't stay at home.

they also told us that once we got married, we were on our own, not to come back home unless something was severely wrong (if the other person was abusive or committed adultery).

I believed them, and it never, ever occurred to me to call my parents to help in an argument or ask them if I could come home even to spend a single night.

I found out later that they didn't *really* mean it. My youngest brother lived at home until he was in his late twenties and never paid rent or enrolled in school, didn't even have a job a lot of the time.

Our kids- we let them live at home as long as they want. They don't pay rent. They do, however, do all the chores. They can't sit around watching tv or playing video games all day. We have the same house rules pretty much as Kristina (no drinking, smoking, drugs, criminal activity no hanky-panky, no rudeness), but we never have had to enforce those rules.

Berry

I was raised tribal. No one is tossed out, everyone pitches in. Those who contribute to the group receive from the group.

My mother and I always had keys to each others houses and made ourselves at home in whatever house we were.

Who lived with whom was a question that seldom had a clear cut answer, and between us we never needed one. If my girlfriend, or her boyfriend, did not like the situation they didn't have to put up with it. They could always go their way and we would go ours.

I have daughters who walk in and out of my house as though they owned it and I do the same to theirs. Because there is no mine and theirs, only ours.

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Living life in the sandbox.

saywhatkid

So RR, any updates?

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rockin'robin

Hey! Yep....they are still together....I did ask him a few days ago what the arguement was all about and he said "just something stupid".....he also (the same day) went down to the grocery store and bought her a bouquet of Flowers..... So, at the moment, it's all lovey-dovey.....

Not betting this will be the last time he'll call home and saying "Come Get Me!"...but for the time being, I'm gonna relax, and realizing that it's best to wait a day or so, to give them time to work it all out.