AllDeaf.com
Mobile - Perks - Advertise - Spy - Who Quoted Me  
Go Back   AllDeaf.com > Deaf Community > General Chat
LIKE AllDeaf on Facebook FOLLOW AllDeaf on Twitter
Like Tree16Likes
  • 2 Post By Berry
  • 2 Post By Journey
  • 1 Post By green427
  • 1 Post By Journey
  • 1 Post By Journey
  • 1 Post By rockin'robin
  • 1 Post By Angel1989
  • 1 Post By TXgolfer
  • 2 Post By Reba
  • 2 Post By saywhatkid
  • 1 Post By Reba
  • 1 Post By Berry

Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Unread 03-03-2012, 03:24 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
rockin'robin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Posts: 20,521
When Love (at times) is Not a Many Splendord Thing.....

When my oldest son, now 20, moved out at 19, I was a little disappointed, because I was thinking he was too young to be tied down with his girlfriend. She is well-liked, just somewhat immature (so is my son).

But no amount of talking and advise would change their minds. Now for the 5th time, he calls and says they are arguing and fighting, he can't deal with it anymore, and to come pick him up!

I haven't made up my mind whether to do that or not....as the going back and forth is getting to be "old news"!.....Plus, his job is on that side of Town (15-20 miles away)....I knew another bust up was coming, but the in and out is getting to be a lot of drama, and I don't want to deal with it. When they break up, she starts phoning and calling him all the time.

Any advise here?...I told him on the phone that I was busy and would call him back later, and if possible pick him up tomorrow. So I was just giving them some time to work out whatever they are arguing about....
rockin'robin is offline   Reply With Quote
Alt Today
All Deaf

Beitrag Sponsored Links

__________________
This advertising will not be shown in this way to registered members.
Register your free account today and become a member on AllDeaf.com
   
Unread 03-03-2012, 03:40 PM   #2 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Berry's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Oroville, Ca.
Posts: 2,024
Send a message via Skype™ to Berry
At times I am a bit of an ass.

I am not a bandage. I cannot solve your problem and I won't keep patching it.

This is not a skinned knee. You have to grow up. Some day I may be old and have to rely on you. Your children will have to rely on you until they grow up and become strong. You have to develop the strength to be that person we will all need someday.

Start today.

Call me when you have decided on a final solution to the situation and I will back you up.
Bebonang and rockin'robin like this.
__________________
Free Jillio!



Living life in the sandbox.
Berry is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-03-2012, 05:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Journey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 989
As parents it is hard not to do all we can to help our kids but there comes a time when helping becomes 'shielding them from the consequences of their own actions' and that is never good. I am generally with Berry on this and think your decision to give them a day to see if things change is a good one. My response would be, "Sorry Hun, you are old enough to make the choice to move out on your own, you are old enough to get yourself back home if it is necessary. I love you and my door is open but my shuttle service is closed."
Berry and rockin'robin like this.
Journey is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-03-2012, 05:09 PM   #4 (permalink)
Registered User
 
green427's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: The First State
Posts: 1,899
^^^^^^^




Robin: Sometimes you gotta show tough love....my co-worker went through the same thing with her kids....and the kids never learned how to survive on their own due to the mom bailing them out of every situation they've put themselves in.

p.s. Why can't he come to you on his own? Doesn't he have transportation?
green427 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-03-2012, 05:12 PM   #5 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Journey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 989
green427, is that "^^^^^ wtf" in response to what I said?
Journey is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-03-2012, 05:16 PM   #6 (permalink)
Registered User
 
green427's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: The First State
Posts: 1,899
Quote:
Originally Posted by Journey View Post
green427, is that "^^^^^ wtf" in response to what I said?
No, it is in response to the one above you....you posted your comment while I was typing....
green427 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-03-2012, 05:19 PM   #7 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Journey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 989
Quote:
Originally Posted by green427 View Post
No, it is in response to the one above you....you posted your comment while I was typing....
Ah ok, just wanted to know if I needed to clarify something.
Journey is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-03-2012, 05:25 PM   #8 (permalink)
Registered User
 
green427's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: The First State
Posts: 1,899
Ok, I thought the person posting #2 was related to the OP....but is actually typing what he would say to the son......got it.

Haven't had any caffeine today...time to drink some....
Berry likes this.
green427 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-03-2012, 05:30 PM   #9 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Journey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 989
Quote:
Originally Posted by green427 View Post
Ok, I thought the person posting #2 was related to the OP....but is actually typing what he would say to the son......got it.

Haven't had any caffeine today...time to drink some....
Ahh a caffeine withdrawal induced "wtf", those are understandable .
Berry likes this.
Journey is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-03-2012, 05:31 PM   #10 (permalink)
Registered User
 
rockin'robin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Posts: 20,521
Quote:
Originally Posted by green427 View Post
^^^^^^^




Robin: Sometimes you gotta show tough love....my co-worker went through the same thing with her kids....and the kids never learned how to survive on their own due to the mom bailing them out of every situation they've put themselves in.

p.s. Why can't he come to you on his own? Doesn't he have transportation?
His job is only 2 blocks from where they live, so he walks....and is trying to save for a car.....He could catch a bus to my house, would take about an hour (changing buses downtown), but with all his clothes and stuff, would be impossible to carry them all on the bus....

Fact is, times before when I went to get him, the girlfriend was crying....which made me feel bad...plus loading up my car with all his stuff, bringing it back home...then 2-3 days later...he says they have "made up" and he wants to go back....

So I'm thinking it might be best to wait until tomorrow and not answer the phone this evening or night (if it is him calling)....give them some time to work it out if possible....

If not, then again, I'll go get him. He needs to make up his mind, once and for all, if he wants to be single and play the field, or if he wants to "play house."....In reality, he's too young, I've told him that before many times, and suggested that he and his g/f just date and see each other.
rockin'robin is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-03-2012, 05:37 PM   #11 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Journey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 989
Oh so he has actually "moved out" 5 times, not just come home for little time out? Yup, my shuttle service would definitely be closed after the second or third time. But, also having a 19 yr old son myself, I do understand where your heart is.
Berry likes this.
Journey is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-03-2012, 05:47 PM   #12 (permalink)
Registered User
 
rockin'robin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Posts: 20,521
Quote:
Originally Posted by Journey View Post
Oh so he has actually "moved out" 5 times, not just come home for little time out? Yup, my shuttle service would definitely be closed after the second or third time. But, also having a 19 yr old son myself, I do understand where your heart is.
Yeah. His girlfriend is really nice and comes from a nice family. But they argue too much....Just wish they would just see each other on the weekends, because playing house right now isn't the right thing to do.
Berry likes this.
rockin'robin is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-03-2012, 06:31 PM   #13 (permalink)
Premium Member
 
Angel1989's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: California
Posts: 4,177
Blog Entries: 2
RR, I feel for you. All three kids are out of my house. When my son turned 18 he moved out, I did not want him to. So I gave him 3 months to change his mind. He could come back anytime during those 3 months. After that, one of the girls would take over his room and the invite to move back home was not an option. There have been a few close calls. Of course if he desperately needed to I would make room. But, he never took me up on the offer, and I feel he is a stronger person for it. Tough love is so very TOUGH!! Good luck!!
rockin'robin likes this.
Angel1989 is online now   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-03-2012, 06:40 PM   #14 (permalink)
Registered User
 
VacationGuy234's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,641
Yes, this is not life and death, tell him to man up an work it out with her. Honestly, you are not going to be around forever and he has to build his own relationships. He'll be OK.
__________________
Emacs. Feel the power...
VacationGuy234 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-03-2012, 06:44 PM   #15 (permalink)
Dream Weaver
 
TXgolfer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Everywhere
Posts: 19,043
Ohhhhhh, I thought it was "many splintered thing" That's like.....totally different.
Berry likes this.
__________________
He who answers before listening-that is his folly and his shame..
TXgolfer is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-03-2012, 06:47 PM   #16 (permalink)
Registered User
 
rockin'robin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Posts: 20,521
My 2 younger boys used to share a BR when my oldest son was here....now that he's moved out, the younger boys have their "own" bedrooms, and by golly, no plans to change it! ...So whenever my oldest son comes, he sleeps on the sofa or makes a bedding on the floor...

He hasn't called back yet...got my fingers crossed that they made up and are getting along after the big blow-up.

I do remember how it was when I was "young and in Love"...and I'm sure he misses my cooking (as his g/f can't cook), so they eat out all the time, or Ramen Noodles.....he's always asking me to bake some Brownies w/Walnuts whenever he comes over....And believing that I've spoiled him too much, but it's time to grow up.
rockin'robin is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-03-2012, 06:57 PM   #17 (permalink)
Retired Terp
 
Reba's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 45,825
I might pick him up to come home but I definitely would never give him any future rides to visit or move back in with the girlfriend.

Are they living together and sharing expenses in an apartment? Are there are financial or legal entanglements, such as a lease in his name? No children involved, right?

There is nothing to "work out" until they're married. He's not obligated to stay with her until then. Tears or no tears.

You're right that they shouldn't be playing house. It's obvious that as long as they keep breaking up and making up, they aren't ready for a real commitment. They should stick with dating. If they feel it's serious, they should get some pre-marital counseling. Even if they aren't ready for marriage, the counseling can open up their eyes to some issues.
Berry and rockin'robin like this.
Reba is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-03-2012, 08:39 PM   #18 (permalink)
Registered User
 
rockin'robin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Posts: 20,521
Quote:
Originally Posted by Reba View Post
I might pick him up to come home but I definitely would never give him any future rides to visit or move back in with the girlfriend.

Are they living together and sharing expenses in an apartment? Are there are financial or legal entanglements, such as a lease in his name? No children involved, right?

There is nothing to "work out" until they're married. He's not obligated to stay with her until then. Tears or no tears.

You're right that they shouldn't be playing house. It's obvious that as long as they keep breaking up and making up, they aren't ready for a real commitment. They should stick with dating. If they feel it's serious, they should get some pre-marital counseling. Even if they aren't ready for marriage, the counseling can open up their eyes to some issues.
The g/f got an apartment, and badgered him to move in with her. So I believe the apartment is in her name only, but I'm not too sure....(as I don't want to seem too nosey about their affairs)....And no children are involved, thank goodness!...She wants to get married, he doesn't. And says he doesn't want any kids either.....

They've been together a few years, off and on....so of course, it's painful to break up completely, and whenever they do have "problems", the g/f comes to my house.
rockin'robin is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-03-2012, 08:50 PM   #19 (permalink)
Huked on fonix werx!
 
saywhatkid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Hiding in the hour lost to DST
Posts: 7,582
Blog Entries: 3
"Playing house" often ends up as "Playing parents." Make sure your son knows the consequences of a little one coming into his life.

Sounds like they are both struggling to stay together. Much too young for the situation, IMO. One thing I have learned; whatever made people break up in the first place usually does not go away. People get lonely and decide to overlook that problem for a bit, but it always lingers. Good luck with this.
Berry and rockin'robin like this.
__________________
"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace."

saywhatkid is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-03-2012, 08:52 PM   #20 (permalink)
Retired Terp
 
Reba's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 45,825
Quote:
Originally Posted by rockin'robin View Post
The g/f got an apartment, and badgered him to move in with her. So I believe the apartment is in her name only, but I'm not too sure....(as I don't want to seem too nosey about their affairs)....And no children are involved, thank goodness!...She wants to get married, he doesn't. And says he doesn't want any kids either.....

They've been together a few years, off and on....so of course, it's painful to break up completely, and whenever they do have "problems", the g/f comes to my house.
I still think the counseling would air out these fundamental differences they have; they may be unsuited for each other. It also might good that they spend a designated time away from each other. That is, something like a three-month cooling off period where they don't contact each other at all and develop other interests. (I suppose that's expecting too much.)
Berry likes this.
Reba is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-04-2012, 12:24 PM   #21 (permalink)
Registered User
 
rockin'robin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Posts: 20,521
No phone call last night, and none today!....So my guess is that they worked it out.......(for a little while anyway )...The perils of "young Love"....
rockin'robin is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-04-2012, 02:04 PM   #22 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Berry's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Oroville, Ca.
Posts: 2,024
Send a message via Skype™ to Berry
Quote:
Originally Posted by Angle1989 View Post
RR, I feel for you. All three kids are out of my house. When my son turned 18 he moved out, I did not want him to. So I gave him 3 months to change his mind. He could come back anytime during those 3 months. After that, one of the girls would take over his room and the invite to move back home was not an option. There have been a few close calls. Of course if he desperately needed to I would make room. But, he never took me up on the offer, and I feel he is a stronger person for it. Tough love is so very TOUGH!! Good luck!!
My mother never turned me away from her door for any reason and I won't turn away one of my children without extreme reasons -- and those are not limited to "blood" children. If they grew up loving me and calling me Dad, they are mine. There is room for them somewhere.

I have a 7 rules:

I don't lie to you, don't lie to me.

I don't lie about you, don't lie about me.

I don't steal from you, don't steal from me.

I don't tell you how to run your life, do not tell me how to run mine.

I will listen to, and think about, your opinions concerning myself and my life. Don't tell me you and your life are none of my business.

Everyone who stays over night does their share of the chores.

Everyone who enters my property will respect each other and the law while they are there.

Follow those rules and you can come and go as you please.

But I do have a life. I have things I want to do. Places I want to be. Ways I wish to spend my time. I will not waste it constantly patching things that need fixing once and for all, running around like a yo - yo, or baby sitting adult children.
rockin'robin likes this.
__________________
Free Jillio!



Living life in the sandbox.
Berry is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-04-2012, 02:26 PM   #23 (permalink)
Premium Member
 
Angel1989's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: California
Posts: 4,177
Blog Entries: 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berry View Post
My mother never turned me away from her door for any reason and I won't turn away one of my children without extreme reasons -- and those are not limited to "blood" children. If they grew up loving me and calling me Dad, they are mine. There is room for them somewhere.

I have a 7 rules:

I don't lie to you, don't lie to me.

I don't lie about you, don't lie about me.

I don't steal from you, don't steal from me.

I don't tell you how to run your life, do not tell me how to run mine.

I will listen to, and think about, your opinions concerning myself and my life. Don't tell me you and your life are none of my business.

Everyone who stays over night does their share of the chores.

Everyone who enters my property will respect each other and the law while they are there.

Follow those rules and you can come and go as you please.

But I do have a life. I have things I want to do. Places I want to be. Ways I wish to spend my time. I will not waste it constantly patching things that need fixing once and for all, running around like a yo - yo, or baby sitting adult children.

These are very similar to my rules. I will not tell them, but I would love for them to move home. Since they all are away at college, this house is way to quiet.
Angel1989 is online now   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-04-2012, 03:00 PM   #24 (permalink)
Emotional Mess
 
KristinaB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Land of the backstroke
Posts: 14,505
My daughter (18 at end of this month) is not planning on moving out. She wants to be around in case I need help due to mobility issues, Also, she has such learning issues that she doesn't feel she can take care of her own house.

Son (16, 17 in May) has plans on moving back to Missouri, but not totally decided yet. We told son he would basically have the same rules I had when I turned 18.

1. Be in school, or if finished with school, get a job.
2. Help around the house. Keep your room clean.
3. Obey the house rules. (no smoking, no drinking, no drugs)
4. Obey all laws and town rules and codes.
5. Respect your parents in all things.
6. If you want something special to eat, do it yourself.
7. Clean up after yourself.
8. Boys are not exempt from cleaning bathroom. Do your part.
9. Please keep your body clean and not smelling like the sewer.
10. Do not tell your parents how to9 run their lives.
__________________
Taking life one day at a time.
KristinaB is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-04-2012, 09:15 PM   #25 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Grayma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 958
Quote:
Originally Posted by Berry View Post
My mother never turned me away from her door for any reason and I won't turn away one of my children without extreme reasons -- ....
My parents told us that at 18 we either had to have jobs and pay them rent or be enrolled and attending school (and making decent grades) or we couldn't stay at home.

they also told us that once we got married, we were on our own, not to come back home unless something was severely wrong (if the other person was abusive or committed adultery).

I believed them, and it never, ever occurred to me to call my parents to help in an argument or ask them if I could come home even to spend a single night.

I found out later that they didn't *really* mean it. My youngest brother lived at home until he was in his late twenties and never paid rent or enrolled in school, didn't even have a job a lot of the time.

Our kids- we let them live at home as long as they want. They don't pay rent. They do, however, do all the chores. They can't sit around watching tv or playing video games all day. We have the same house rules pretty much as Kristina (no drinking, smoking, drugs, criminal activity no hanky-panky, no rudeness), but we never have had to enforce those rules.
Grayma is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-04-2012, 09:36 PM   #26 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Berry's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Oroville, Ca.
Posts: 2,024
Send a message via Skype™ to Berry
I was raised tribal. No one is tossed out, everyone pitches in. Those who contribute to the group receive from the group.

My mother and I always had keys to each others houses and made ourselves at home in whatever house we were.

Who lived with whom was a question that seldom had a clear cut answer, and between us we never needed one. If my girlfriend, or her boyfriend, did not like the situation they didn't have to put up with it. They could always go their way and we would go ours.

I have daughters who walk in and out of my house as though they owned it and I do the same to theirs. Because there is no mine and theirs, only ours.
__________________
Free Jillio!



Living life in the sandbox.
Berry is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-14-2012, 06:31 PM   #27 (permalink)
Huked on fonix werx!
 
saywhatkid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Hiding in the hour lost to DST
Posts: 7,582
Blog Entries: 3
So RR, any updates?
__________________
"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace."

saywhatkid is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 03-14-2012, 07:43 PM   #28 (permalink)
Registered User
 
rockin'robin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Posts: 20,521
Quote:
Originally Posted by saywhatkid View Post
So RR, any updates?
Hey! Yep....they are still together....I did ask him a few days ago what the arguement was all about and he said "just something stupid".....he also (the same day) went down to the grocery store and bought her a bouquet of Flowers..... So, at the moment, it's all lovey-dovey.....

Not betting this will be the last time he'll call home and saying "Come Get Me!"...but for the time being, I'm gonna relax, and realizing that it's best to wait a day or so, to give them time to work it all out.
rockin'robin is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:15 AM.


Join AllDeaf on Facebook!    Follow us on Twitter!

AllDeaf proudly supports St. Jude Children's Research Hospital

Copyright © 2002-2014, AllDeaf.com. All Rights Reserved.