kimbrly818

Almost two years ago I moved to where my family lives to get a better education for my daughter who was at the time just a little hard of hearing but was still missing A LOT! I fought with my home school without much luck, but I was also not prepared to nor knew what was legally expected of the school to actually provide for my daughter let alone what it was exactly she needed. She's a very bright girl, and in second grade in a mainstream school they wanted to hold her back I wouldn't allow that since it wasn't really needed. After a half a year of the mainstream school district we moved to where they did A LOT for her to help her, it still wasn't enough, so she was transferred to the school for the deaf which was luckily nearby and she was able to come home after the end of the school day. I've had to move back to the old school district where our house is that we own, due to financial reasons so now my daughter is living on the campus. She's told me for two weeks now she doesn't want to stay there. We are quiet close and I'm worried she'll start doing badly or think that we don't want her HOME all the time. I really feel like I just dumped my daughter off and gave her away, but I do keep those feelings from her so she doesn't pick up on it. I was doing quite well until she told me she didn't want to stay there anymore, because it's " not home" she misses coming home everyday and doing her normal everyday things. What would you do? I'm also deaf, and she and I are the only ones in my family that ARE so it's a very tight bond between us. I'm confused as what I should do or how I should handle it. At the moment I'm trying to get her to give it a little more time. But I'm not really getting far.
Please send me any advice experience in the matter, etc. Thanks!

Deafness

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Angel

Since she has been transferred to the school for the deaf has there been any improvement and what sort of problems did she have when she attend mainstream?...

Is there another way you could find a school that will help your daughter with whatever problems that she may be having so that way your daughter can live at home with you instead of at the campus?...I can not image not having my children around, there has to be another way of keeping her at home instead of living miles away from where the deaf school is located at....

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morbid-mongoose

Make some sort of deal with her- if she stays there for two more months and is still completely miserable, you'll let her come home, no questions asked. I'd also check in with her every day to see how she's doing.

Good luck!

LuciaDisturbed

Let her come home.

I remember being in the state school for the deaf as a small child and I missed my mom, I would cry in bed every night when I'm in the dorms. Eventually I was taken out of WSD for unrelated reasons which I do not wish to disclose. I was much happier once I was pulled out of WSD for good.

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"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." - Philosopher George Santayana.


Implanted left ear 10/11/06, activated 10/16/06 - Nucleus Freedom

My own CI experience, my views on CI and ASL and Deaf Culture and Society

DeviantArt

signer16

Kimberly,
This must be such a hard decision for you! Her education is important, and so is your relationship with her!

Most parents struggle with sending their child to live on campus at such a young age, it's hard to only get to see your little one once a week. BUT, educationally, that may be the best place for her. You can stay close via VP, email (if she can do it) and visiting her.

Show her you care and that you still love her lots and lots, you just want her to be able to have lots of fun with her friends at school, and understand her teachers, and get to learn lots and lots so she can get to be really smart!

If the education itself is a problem, you can require in the IEP for her to be challenged with more difficult coursework.

Socially, she's in a much better place...she has a chance to develop her leadership skills and learn to work with people she both likes and doesnt...she gets to be a normal kid there. SUCH an important thing for kids, especially these days...plus nearly all kids who grow up alone in the mainstream, hoh or deaf, have seriously self-esteem problems and end up resenting so much of how they were raised. Your daughter KNOWS you love her, and you KNOW you are doing what's best for her education, she will understand that. These are such critical learning years!

I agree that if after a few months, she still isn't happy, you will have to find another solution. One idea, though it may not the best, can you work at the school? Negotiate something with room and board maybe as well...at least for awhile? Hopefully something wonderful will work at and you can figure out how to have the best of both worlds. Whatever happens, I will you and your daughter the best!

deafdyke

Yeah I'd look into seeing if you could work as a houseparent or something like that. I totally understand. I really honestly don't think most little kids (except for foster kids and kids in not exactly healthy enviroments) should go off to boarding school. By little kids I mean those too young for sleepovers. How far away are you guys from the Deaf School? Has she done really well at the Deaf School? Are the Deaf programs at mainstream schools in your area kinda not great? Such a balancing act. What state are you in? Maybe we can help you with lots of resources and stuff. And..........is there any chance that your financial sitution could change, so that you'd be able to have her go to the Deaf school?

Lavender

Pls bring her home that makes me sad. u both have no communication barrier. I think she is too young to live away from her parent. Maybe, later when she gets older probably she will go back but not for right now she may not be ready. If u both feel close then keep that way. Otherwise, I don't want to see her crying anymore it's not healthy to do this way.

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SxySpicyGrrl

I have to saying that was very interesting to read about your daughter..... I remembered myself was at deaf school when I was in 7th grade and I had to stayed at Dorm at Berkeley California... I didnt think of "home sick" with my family I was so excited because of deafies was there and whole the commuications that I was happy and very desire for... so I was very happy there with everything! I never forgot myself at very VERY first time I enter to that deaf school of course I was so freaked out.... lol but didnt cried for my family. Well interesting thought.

shel90

maybe cuz you were older and more ready?

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jillio

Yeah, I was wondering, kimberly, how old your daughter is? You have said that you didn't discuss your negative feelings about her attending the deaf school, or your feelings about abandoning her. Even young children are able to understand things of this nature if you keep it in line with their age. I certainly would not say that you should have an adult level of discussion with your daughter, but to let her know that you also have mixed feelings, and are not happy with the situation in all ways, but also explain to her why, in spite of the fact that you, too would rather have her at home every day after school, you feel that this is best for her education at this point in time, and that is why you have made your decision. Often times, if we admit to our children that we are confused and conflicted, they are able to relate and see our point of view a little easier. To let them know that sometimes you have to do something that also causes you discomfort also shows them that parents don't just make decisions for no reason, and that we understand the feelings and concerns that the children have, because we feel the same way. But that adults must sometimes do what is best, not just what is most comfortable. In that way, you will not only give her a new understanding or you, a a parent, but help her to develop her hown mature attitudes. It really is okay for our kids to know that we are vunerable and human, and sometimes confused just as they are.

I wish you good things for both you and your daughter.

jag

My daughter rode the bus daily for the first year, it's an hr ride each way. The home school district DOES have to pay for transportation to an from school. So if your home is close enough to the school for a commute bring her home. Of course it will take in IEP to set it all up but it can be done. Perhaps in a few years she might want to stay on campus, but until then the school does have to pay to transport her. If you are the one who ends up driving you are to be reimbursed on a per mile basis and the home district (or contracted transportation provider) must pay it. I always throught they should have paid me for my time to. LOL but no such luck.

I would like to add that my daughter began staying in the dorm one night a week, Wed. I believe from teh beginning. It was toward the end of the year that we added another day. The 2nd year she stayed mon-fri. and still does, while most kids go up on Sunday night whe leaves monday morning.

Liza

Has your daughter tried to become involved with after school activities like sport or clubs? That can be important for her future, and if she is *busy* or feel needed there she might not think about missing home so much. Is she home in the weekends from the dorm?

deafdyke

IOooooo that's a great idea jag! Maybe you could do a split placement sort of deal............I don't know if its possible for a res student, but maybe you could have her stay in the dorms for part of the week, and then have her attend a mainstream school that has one of those Deaf programs.
Liza, almost all kids at deaf schools go home for the weekends now. The old days when they only went home for vacations are pretty much long gone (except at MSSD and that only for kids who live too far away to go home even for long weekends)

jillio

Yeah, St. Rita had international students, and students from out of state who were not able to return home on weekends, but they often went home with friends on weekends.

LuciaDisturbed

Please let your daughter come home. She misses her family.

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"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." - Philosopher George Santayana.


Implanted left ear 10/11/06, activated 10/16/06 - Nucleus Freedom

My own CI experience, my views on CI and ASL and Deaf Culture and Society

DeviantArt

deafdyke

Oh really? Did not think about that. However, I'd say that 99% of res kids do go home on the weekends.
Wait..............you said that you have family near the deaf school right? Maybe a good alternaitve would be having your daughter live with your family, and you could come down and be a "mom" every few days.
I can understand and I totally feel for you. It does seem like some of the mainstreamer advocates can be VERY out of touch about how hard it can be to get good accomondations for kids with classic disabilites at mainstream schools.

Brian

Amen to that, Lucia!

Keanusmom

Hearing parent here.

Few questions:

How far away from the school do you live?
Can you go visit with her like, after you get off work?

That might ease her missing being home.

I agree with making the deal to give it a few months and I'll tell you why. Though I am not deaf, I was "weird" as a child. I didn't make friends easily. My mom sent me to overnight camp. I wrote her letters EVERY DAY saying that I wanted to come home in the first week. The second week, she didn't even hear from me because by that time I had made A(one) friend and got into the activities (while, the first week I didn't even try to participate). Third week, I was sad to leave.

Same thing happened when I went off to college. I grew up in PA, but my mom convinced me to go to her alma mater IN FLORIDA!! Again, away from the only friends I had and away from my family. I was very non-social for a few months, but after while, again, I made a friend...or two...or 20! I went home for the major holidays the first semester, but after Christmas my freshman year, my family and friends were begging me to come home! LOL
I would go home with my new friends who were from Florida or Georgia.

All that to say, give it some time and BOTH of you will become more comfortable knowing its what's best for her (is it?).

In today's time, with things like email, MySpace, video and VRS, you can still stay connected (talk every day).

I would let her stay in the school for the school year unless I was unhappy with the curriculum or how she was being treated. Usually, by the end of the school year kids have a buddy that they will miss during the summer.
And will want to return to be with their friend. If not, then at LEAST she tried it and gave it a real chance.

deafdyke

I'd have her finish the term at least. It can be very hard for kids to transfer in the middle of the term. And I gotta admit..........I do agree somewhat with
Keanusmom. It can be hard to settle in. Everyone remembers the experiance of the experiance (whether it was school, camp etc) where they initally hated it, but then ended up loving it.
I'd examine the reasons why she's homesick. It might be good for her to come home, but on the other hand, it might be good for her to stay at the school.
If she comes home, I'd try to stay involved with the Deaf school. Maybe she could parcipate there on an "enrichment" basis. Like instead of having the services of a TOD, she could go there instead!

jillio

From another hearing mom, that was excellent advise!

Keanusmom

Thank You!!

Kaitin

I would have suffered away from home as a kid so my schoolwork wouldn't have been good. My older sister (hearing) would have loved being away from our family. She loves us, but is independent and hated the busyness and energy (7 people, dogs, cats, and from me: rabbits, hamsters, birds, snake! ). Every kid is different. For some, being away is cruel, not helpful.

Have you met with her teachers and school counselors about her problem? They have the experience and maybe can tell you if she is better at home or at school.

Poor girl. And poor mom for a tough spot!

jag

As a hearing mom I'd say bring her home if at all possible. a year is a long time for a 6 or 7 yo. One can always try again when she is older and possibly more prepared to leave home for a week at a time. All kids are not alike. And it seems that since she had been attending as a day student it isn't the fact that she doesn't know anyone. Bring her home and work with the school district to get her decent supports. then when she is older let her try again. then it may not be quite so tramatic.

Bebonang

I think that the Deaf Institution might have change a lot plus having to learn to speak and lipread along with the ASL for her education. Everthing in the Deaf Institution It might have change over the years from long time ago. I think Kimbrly818 need to talk with her daughter's teacher on why she want to come home. I guess to my thinking that every Deaf School is different when it come to deaf education. Like she said she may not be ready as she is homesick for her own environment at home. There is something that you both of you can solve the problem of getting a good education and hopefully that she will still try to adjust her environment at Deaf Institution and still come home during the weekend. As for me I have never gone to Deaf Institution like Minnesota School for the Deaf in Faribault, Minnesota years ago when I was young. I had a hard time in the mainstream elementary and high school with speech and lipreading which is like hell to me, but I had made it through until graduation. I still had a little bit problem with colleges and my grades are okay as long as I have interpreters and notetakers. I hope you both find the solution to your problem with your daughter. Good Luck and Welcome to Alldeaf forum.

deafdyke

Actually, kimber18, what I'd do is talk to the Deaf School, and see if there are any of those "self contained classroom" or regional programs (the kind where a mainstream school serves as a "magnet school" for dhh kids. That could avoid the problems you faced at the mainstream school.
I'd also see if there's any way that your daughter could still be involved at the Deaf school so that, if she wants to return later, she can.

kimbrly818

I am working on it, she's still not very happy about being there, she is still complaining about riding the bus. Last weekend she refused to get in the car to meet the bus that brings them home and takes them back on homegoing weekends and almost made us late. And she forgot her jacket and cell phone that she uses to text me so she can talk to me, which isn't much because it's locked up in the office when she is there so she has to remember to ASK for her phone b4 it's too late. She cannot hear on the phone when I call her and it's just a fustration for her when I call. I have two sisters and my mom live closeby to the school's town, so I called my sister that was the closest to get her a jacket there to use for the week. She asked if she would like to stay with her for awhile, and I told her she could ask her but I had doubted she say yes because she has only been to my other sister's house twice since school started and she's very close to her cousin that lives there. She actually told my other sister yes, and so I was like wow, ok cool! So I contacted the school, called them up told them she wants to go to my sisters house and she'll pick her up after school. You would not believe the drama that unfolded after that. I spent all day emailing them, because they had just emailed me back, because they wanted to talk to her to see what was going on. Which kinda pissed me off because it made me feel like they were trying to control her. They emailed me back and said she said she wanted to stay there this week and would go to her Aunt's NEXT week.! This is just 2 hours after my sister talked to my daughter! I really just don't know what to think about all that. They were going on that she was adjusting well to life on the campus and blah blah blah, and I was like you guys really don't know my daughter at all. She feels she has no CHOICE in the matter, I can read her well because she acts very much the way I did when I was a kid only I was literally all alone and seriously had no CHOICE. When I left her at the school after she wanted to stay home, she just looked defeated which borke my heart.
She's having fun staying with my sister for now though. I will talk to her this weekend and see how she REALLY likes it and I'm still waiting to hear from the school people that will arrange everything here. If I don't hear anything by tomorrow I will just go up to the building and talk to them face to face.
Thanks for all the replies. Sorry I haven't checked back more.
Will keep you posted.

kimbrly818

The school is about 3 hours away. And she started out differently. She was excited and happy to go back there. Then after like four weeks she started wanting to just stay home. We are very close and she's very unhappy with the amount of time she has to be with her family. So I don't think she's going to change much in wanting to stay home.

kimbrly818

It's not the school she has a problem with it's just staying on the campus all week. I never went to a deaf school either, and lipreading was and still is actually very easy for me. I just picked it up on my own. However my senior year was hell for me because I didn't have enough teachers that would actually take the time to help me when I didn't understand something. She on the otherhand does not read lips well at all. The reason she was sent to the deaf school was because she was missing too much in the mainstream school and didn't really know sign that well. But she picked up on it and is doing well with signning now.

kimbrly818

Oh no , it's not that she doesn't know anyone, she actually know EVERYONE in her building and gets along with them all too. There are 54 students in her building. She boast that she has 16 friends that she talks with everyday and plays with. So like I said it's not just going to the school, it's staying there all week.

GarnetTigerMom

Ah many many years ago like 20 years ago I was sent away to private school, and only get to come home once a month for a short time. I was home sick all the time. But then I starting to get used to be away from home because it was great to have a little freedom away from my folks. But of cause, my folks don't know me that well for being away from home so many years in private school. It took a while to get to know each other all over again. But we don't always get along. But I do love my family even if we are thousand miles apart.

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GarnetTigerMom

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