My daughter wants to come home. - Page 2

kimbrly818 · 10-24-2007, 10:43 AM

LOL! You're older sister sounds like my oldest. I did have a meeting with the school that Monday after she told me. And they felt I needed to not call her so much and let her call me, and that her brother and I were putting these feelings in her head. Which really felt kinda like an insult. I would never do that to my daughter. It bothered me greatly the first few weeks, I'll admit, and it was HARD! But she still wanted to go and still wanted to stay. So I don't agree one bit that her feeling has anything to do with what I may or may not be feeling. I'd learn to deal with her being away and just making the most of when she was home, so I don't feel I really handed off anything to MAKE HER feel the way she does.

kimbrly818 · 10-24-2007, 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by deafdyke

Oh really? Did not think about that. However, I'd say that 99% of res kids do go home on the weekends.
Wait..............you said that you have family near the deaf school right? Maybe a good alternaitve would be having your daughter live with your family, and you could come down and be a "mom" every few days.
I can understand and I totally feel for you. It does seem like some of the mainstreamer advocates can be VERY out of touch about how hard it can be to get good accomondations for kids with classic disabilites at mainstream schools.

Sorry I'm just figuring this posting thing out just found the right way to reply to each one.
My family has offered more than once before all of this to keep her during the week, as they do run a regular bus that would pick her up like last year when I was living nearby. But she just stopped with no reason whatsoever. Which wasn't like her at all. She has a cousin there that she is VERY VERY close to and LOVES to spend as much time with as she can. But she just stopped, she'd only been there twice since school started. Eventhough one week I had it scheduled for her to stay there for 3 days!
When I pushed her to tell me WHY she had changed her mind about staying with my sister this week, she said that they said she NEEDED to stay there at the dorm THIS week, and she could go see her aunt NEXT week! I have no idea what is going on with that and I'm not happy that that sort of thing is being pushed on her like that.

kimbrly818 · 10-24-2007, 11:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by deafdyke

Oh really? Did not think about that. However, I'd say that 99% of res kids do go home on the weekends.
Wait..............you said that you have family near the deaf school right? Maybe a good alternaitve would be having your daughter live with your family, and you could come down and be a "mom" every few days.
I can understand and I totally feel for you. It does seem like some of the mainstreamer advocates can be VERY out of touch about how hard it can be to get good accomondations for kids with classic disabilites at mainstream schools.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jillio

Yeah, I was wondering, kimberly, how old your daughter is? You have said that you didn't discuss your negative feelings about her attending the deaf school, or your feelings about abandoning her. Even young children are able to understand things of this nature if you keep it in line with their age. I certainly would not say that you should have an adult level of discussion with your daughter, but to let her know that you also have mixed feelings, and are not happy with the situation in all ways, but also explain to her why, in spite of the fact that you, too would rather have her at home every day after school, you feel that this is best for her education at this point in time, and that is why you have made your decision. Often times, if we admit to our children that we are confused and conflicted, they are able to relate and see our point of view a little easier. To let them know that sometimes you have to do something that also causes you discomfort also shows them that parents don't just make decisions for no reason, and that we understand the feelings and concerns that the children have, because we feel the same way. But that adults must sometimes do what is best, not just what is most comfortable. In that way, you will not only give her a new understanding or you, a a parent, but help her to develop her hown mature attitudes. It really is okay for our kids to know that we are vunerable and human, and sometimes confused just as they are.

I wish you good things for both you and your daughter.

She is 10 and we have had talks on her level and I've told her how I feel too and it really is hard for me too. We've always been able to talk eye to eye. Another thing that is bothering me is that she is not really active with her hearing family members really at all. She ONLY WANTS to talk to me really, she kinda shuts off her brother and sister and her dad now. Her brother has to plea with her for a long time and even comes to me for help to get her to do something with him that she would normally do. Just feeling like the gap is widening and it's not just because she's gone during the weekdays.

kimbrly818 · 10-24-2007, 11:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jag

My daughter rode the bus daily for the first year, it's an hr ride each way. The home school district DOES have to pay for transportation to an from school. So if your home is close enough to the school for a commute bring her home. Of course it will take in IEP to set it all up but it can be done. Perhaps in a few years she might want to stay on campus, but until then the school does have to pay to transport her. If you are the one who ends up driving you are to be reimbursed on a per mile basis and the home district (or contracted transportation provider) must pay it. I always throught they should have paid me for my time to. LOL but no such luck.

I would like to add that my daughter began staying in the dorm one night a week, Wed. I believe from teh beginning. It was toward the end of the year that we added another day. The 2nd year she stayed mon-fri. and still does, while most kids go up on Sunday night whe leaves monday morning.

She went to the school the whole year last year. We live about 3 hours, depends on the traffic, from the school one way. She went from just going there in the daytime to living there. She was very excited about it at first but she just doesn't like being away from her family this much. I'm not sure what else is feeding this feeling if there is anything more. I was very close to my mom to, and really didn't want to be away from her. To me I feel my daughter and I are closer because we're the only ones in our family that has the hearing loss! Even my grandparents never had hearing aides yet!!! YIKES! LOL! I'm trying her out with staying with my sister for now, see how that tides over with her and if it'll change her mind on how she feels about wanting to still leave the school.

kimbrly818 · 10-24-2007, 11:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Liza

Has your daughter tried to become involved with after school activities like sport or clubs? That can be important for her future, and if she is *busy* or feel needed there she might not think about missing home so much. Is she home in the weekends from the dorm?

She is very much involved with activities after school, all of which she isn't really enjoying either. She signed up for basketball with the YMCA there with the other girls at the dorm, and isn't into that. Her favorite sport is Soccer, and they don't have a program for that yet I guess. She is kept busy and doesn't actually go to the dorm most days until 6 and they go to bed at 8 so it does keep her mind off of it for awhile, but she doesn't sleep well, and lies awake wishing to be home

.
She is home most weekends now. But this weekend isn't a homegoing weekend, but I pick her up on the non-homegoing weekends. When winter gets here it will be less on the trips due to the danger of it I'm sure.

jillio · 10-24-2007, 01:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kimbrly818

Oh no , it's not that she doesn't know anyone, she actually know EVERYONE in her building and gets along with them all too. There are 54 students in her building. She boast that she has 16 friends that she talks with everyday and plays with. So like I said it's not just going to the school, it's staying there all week.

I'm not trying to minimize your daughter's feelings at all, and I'm sure that this has been an adjustment for her. It is entirely possible that the school is seeing a differnt picture than the one your daughter is showing you. If she is telling you that she has 16 friends that she talks to everyday, and she decided to stay at school the week that she was going to go to your sister's house, it sounds to me like there might have been something fun arranged for the dorm students that she had forgotten about and she didn't want to miss it.

My son would sometimes come home from school and tell me he had a horrible day, and he hated school only to find out later that he had not had any problems that day at all. That doesn't mean that a kid is being dishonest, just that they sometimes tell us what will get the reaction they want from us. Your daughter has all of your focus when she is complaining about school, and she knows you will sympathize with her feelings. And that's okay. Its just the way parent child relationships are, and its normal. But, while you are giving her the reasurrance and the sympathy she needs, just keep in mind that it probably isn't quite as bad as she is telling you it is. You don't have to tell her that, just keep it in the back of your mind.

Tousi · 10-24-2007, 02:15 PM

I just had an idea. I think she might actually eating up this staying at the school because the communications, social playing field is level and much to her satisfaction but, at her age, too much of a complicated issue to clearly explain this to Mom. What do y'all think?

deafdyke · 10-24-2007, 11:17 PM

Well hopefully the arrangement with your sister will work out well. It's really too bad you're three hours one way.........But, if she got to see you regularly maybe it might work out well for this school year at least. Is there ANY way at all that circumstances could change? Like maybe you could stay with your sister for part of the week (and get a job or something in the area) and then return back to home for the rest of the week?
It's really hard and there's no easy answers. So she likes it at the Deaf school? That's awesome! What an awesome oppertunty for her! especially as she's only hoh. Just gotta figure out how to handle missing Mom and family right?
Its too bad that there isn't a way that she could do a "week at res school and then week at school at home" sort of set up.

deafdyke · 10-25-2007, 01:30 AM

Oh you know............a wicked good resource is the Parent Deaf-hh listserv.
Archives of PARENTDEAF-HH@LISTSERV.KENT.EDU
There are some res school parents on the list, as well as other parents who could give you advice and ideas. You're getting good advice here, but you might get some ideas and things from parents who are very experianced with the res school experiance. I remember a few years ago, people discussing about options for parents who wanted to send their kids to a Deaf school, but didn't want them to be res students.
What state are you in? Maybe someone can direct you to a school with a decent Deaf program, so that your daughter can stay at home, but also get the benifits of teachers who are familiar with dhh kids. She might change her mind about staying at school when she's older. I would definitly do some brainstorming to come up with a good workable solution for your daughter.
I would also join the American Society for Deaf Children. It's an AWESOME organization.
American Society for Deaf Children

jag · 10-25-2007, 04:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kimbrly818

She is very much involved with activities after school, all of which she isn't really enjoying either. She signed up for basketball with the YMCA there with the other girls at the dorm, and isn't into that. Her favorite sport is Soccer, and they don't have a program for that yet I guess. She is kept busy and doesn't actually go to the dorm most days until 6 and they go to bed at 8 so it does keep her mind off of it for awhile, but she doesn't sleep well, and lies awake wishing to be home

.
She is home most weekends now. But this weekend isn't a homegoing weekend, but I pick her up on the non-homegoing weekends. When winter gets here it will be less on the trips due to the danger of it I'm sure.

My daughters school sends the kids home every weekend. I thought that was pretty much the norm now a days. Guess I was wrong.

Oh to add, if you want your daughter home every weekend your home school district should be transporting her to and from school so they could bring her home even on 'non homegoing' weekends.

Kris · 10-26-2007, 08:01 PM

This is a problem I have never had to deal with and I applaud your bravery with the situation. I know this thread is about how to handle the situation with your daughter wanting to come home from school but there was something else that caught my attention. You mentioned her brother, sister and father and that there is a growing gap. Don't over look this. I think this is just as important. You don't want to have your family divided. There is enough going on without this added problem. I hope that everyone in the family discusses what is happening so the other kids understand and find ways that they can become more involved with their sister. Do her brother and sister sign?

kimbrly818 · 11-21-2007, 09:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kris

This is a problem I have never had to deal with and I applaud your bravery with the situation. I know this thread is about how to handle the situation with your daughter wanting to come home from school but there was something else that caught my attention. You mentioned her brother, sister and father and that there is a growing gap. Don't over look this. I think this is just as important. You don't want to have your family divided. There is enough going on without this added problem. I hope that everyone in the family discusses what is happening so the other kids understand and find ways that they can become more involved with their sister. Do her brother and sister sign?

Thank you to everyone for your advice and help. I have brought my daughter home, and she is very happy and doing VERY WELL in school also! The school was giving me a hard time with her staying with my family there at my choice. My daughter is very happy now all the time. She's in a mainstream school that has a deaf education plan, and shockingly the program has been in place for 30 years!!! No idea at all why I've never been told about it and I've asked many of times if there was something else that I could do or somewhere else I could take her to get her the help she would need. I was always told she was fine. ( That's in the mainsteam school she was in before I moved to the area of the deaf school ). The deaf school had told me they had nothing here also to help her. Seems to me there's just way too much lack of communication between school systems and school boards with providing information for kids in need of any kind of help. None of this has made any sense to me at all. But we're not going to let this die here. Something needs to be done about this, Lord only knows how many other children have been put in the same situation as me and my daughter, and this has really been unacceptable!
Thank you all again for all your help, support and advice, both for and against. It's helped me get through the times until I had this resolved.

jillio · 11-21-2007, 09:07 PM

I am very happy that things have worked out so well for you and your daughter. It is really a shame that you both had to go through this when assistance was so available, but you were not informed.

Have a great holiday with your daughter by your side!

shel90 · 11-21-2007, 09:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kimbrly818

Thank you to everyone for your advice and help. I have brought my daughter home, and she is very happy and doing VERY WELL in school also! The school was giving me a hard time with her staying with my family there at my choice. My daughter is very happy now all the time. She's in a mainstream school that has a deaf education plan, and shockingly the program has been in place for 30 years!!! No idea at all why I've never been told about it and I've asked many of times if there was something else that I could do or somewhere else I could take her to get her the help she would need. I was always told she was fine. ( That's in the mainsteam school she was in before I moved to the area of the deaf school ). The deaf school had told me they had nothing here also to help her. Seems to me there's just way too much lack of communication between school systems and school boards with providing information for kids in need of any kind of help. None of this has made any sense to me at all. But we're not going to let this die here. Something needs to be done about this, Lord only knows how many other children have been put in the same situation as me and my daughter, and this has really been unacceptable!
Thank you all again for all your help, support and advice, both for and against. It's helped me get through the times until I had this resolved.

I am glad that things are working out well.

You are right about u not being the only one in this kind of situation from lack of communication between the Deaf and locals schools.

This guy in the video is a father and he is describing his frustrations with the schools not communicating with each other. I wish this didnt happen but I work for a Deaf school and communications between my school and the county schools are not so great. I dont know who is to blame.

Aslpride: My son need a better education...

deafdyke · 11-22-2007, 10:41 PM

Quote:

She's in a mainstream school that has a deaf education plan,

Oh you mean one of those formal programs with a lot of dhh students?
That is so good , that you found that program! I really think the gross majority of bilaterally dhh kids can significently benifit from attending a school with a formal dhh program, as opposed to total mainstream regular classes.
I really think that one way to improve deaf ed, might be to affliate the mainstream dhh programs with the school for the deaf. Like the school for the deaf, could provide testing, and services, and things like that to the off campus programs. The kids could go to the deaf school for retreats and things like that......

deafdyke · 11-23-2007, 02:43 AM

I am very happy that your daughter is doing well in her new placement! Isn't it nice not to have to fight mainstream educators about the proper services for your daughter? Specialized programs rock don't they? I gotta say although regular classes regular school is painted as "least restrictive enviorment" , very often it can be such a pain to deal with the bureocracy, involved in trying to get good accomondations and programming. Those people who are "mainstream is the best!" just really have NO CLUE what they are talking about
Are there a lot of dhh kids in the program? Although she's doing well, don't forget to factor in your daughter's input as to educational placement. Keep on asking her what she likes about the program, ask her about any downsides etc.
Keep her involved at the Deaf school. Maybe she could go and visit those kids she played with, every so often. Also, Deaf schools offer summer camps/programs. Keep her involved there......when she's older (eg jr high/teen) she may want to return to dorm life. (especially since jr high and high school can be so brutal for even kids without disabilites!)

LuciaDisturbed · 11-23-2007, 04:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kimbrly818

Thank you to everyone for your advice and help. I have brought my daughter home, and she is very happy and doing VERY WELL in school also! The school was giving me a hard time with her staying with my family there at my choice. My daughter is very happy now all the time. She's in a mainstream school that has a deaf education plan, and shockingly the program has been in place for 30 years!!! No idea at all why I've never been told about it and I've asked many of times if there was something else that I could do or somewhere else I could take her to get her the help she would need. I was always told she was fine. ( That's in the mainsteam school she was in before I moved to the area of the deaf school ). The deaf school had told me they had nothing here also to help her. Seems to me there's just way too much lack of communication between school systems and school boards with providing information for kids in need of any kind of help. None of this has made any sense to me at all. But we're not going to let this die here. Something needs to be done about this, Lord only knows how many other children have been put in the same situation as me and my daughter, and this has really been unacceptable!
Thank you all again for all your help, support and advice, both for and against. It's helped me get through the times until I had this resolved.

Thank you for bringing your daughter home. She is so young and needs to stay close to her family, especially her parents. Maybe when she is older, like in high school, she will be ready for residential school. She will feel more independent then. But right now she is just a little girl who needs security and needs someone to tuck her in bed at night and read her a story, and frequent hugs from her mommy.

deafdyke · 11-23-2007, 08:04 PM

Hey, Lucia, that's awesome that you're pro-family but also OK with residental school placement. ] I really honestly think that maybe a good idea might be for the state to reserve a bunch of houses in the city where the res school is, for families so that they can relocate there easier.
I gotta say that while most kids should wait to do the dorm thing, there are kids who should definitly take advantage of the dorm sitution. Like there are prolly kids in dangerous inner city slums, who would significently benifit from going to a res school. Not all kids are lucky enough to belong to stable families.

darkangel8603 · 11-24-2007, 12:30 AM

Ahh i remember when i was younger. I was placed in res school at 6 yrs old and stayed 2 years before my parent placed me in mainstream with deaf program at home. I remember the wednesday visits my parents would come down and visit me every wed but when it was time for them to leave i would cry and cry and cry and not want them to leave. Also the days when winters made the roads bad i would get very upset cuz my parents wouldnt come to visit. so they finally took me out of res school (i think alot of it had to do with them missing me too much lol) but not only cuz of that, has alot of other reasons too but i am not going to go into that, anyway I returned to res school at 12 for grade 7 to high school.

deafdyke · 06-17-2008, 03:01 AM

Quote:

My daughter is very happy now all the time. She's in a mainstream school that has a deaf education plan, and shockingly the program has been in place for 30 years!!!

I know this was from awhile ago, but again it's awesome that your daughter is getting "deaf ed" even though she's "just" hoh. Far too many hoh kids are just pushed into the mainstream with the assumption that "they don't really "need" Deaf Ed stuff.
Is your daughter open about maybe returning to the Deaf School as a residental student later on? At least if she has social-emotional difficulties in jr high and high school (as a lot of dhh kids do) she'll already have some friends at the Deaf School. Don't forget....with summer coming, she could attend any summer programs or camps that the school offers.

dreamchaser · 06-18-2008, 02:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by deafdyke

Yeah I'd look into seeing if you could work as a houseparent or something like that. I totally understand. I really honestly don't think most little kids (except for foster kids and kids in not exactly healthy enviroments) should go off to boarding school. By little kids I mean those too young for sleepovers. How far away are you guys from the Deaf School? Has she done really well at the Deaf School? Are the Deaf programs at mainstream schools in your area kinda not great? Such a balancing act. What state are you in? Maybe we can help you with lots of resources and stuff. And..........is there any chance that your financial sitution could change, so that you'd be able to have her go to the Deaf school?

That sounds like a good idea.

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

10-24-2007, 10:43 AM	#31 (permalink)
kimbrly818 Registered User Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 12	LOL! You're older sister sounds like my oldest. I did have a meeting with the school that Monday after she told me. And they felt I needed to not call her so much and let her call me, and that her brother and I were putting these feelings in her head. Which really felt kinda like an insult. I would never do that to my daughter. It bothered me greatly the first few weeks, I'll admit, and it was HARD! But she still wanted to go and still wanted to stay. So I don't agree one bit that her feeling has anything to do with what I may or may not be feeling. I'd learn to deal with her being away and just making the most of when she was home, so I don't feel I really handed off anything to MAKE HER feel the way she does.

Today
Deafness	Sponsored Links __________________ This advertising will not be shown in this way to registered members. Register your free account today and become a member on AllDeaf.com

10-24-2007, 02:15 PM	#37 (permalink)
Tousi Registered User Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 6,915	I just had an idea. I think she might actually eating up this staying at the school because the communications, social playing field is level and much to her satisfaction but, at her age, too much of a complicated issue to clearly explain this to Mom. What do y'all think?

10-24-2007, 11:17 PM	#38 (permalink)
deafdyke So NOT a Princess! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Trebekistan Posts: 6,330	Well hopefully the arrangement with your sister will work out well. It's really too bad you're three hours one way.........But, if she got to see you regularly maybe it might work out well for this school year at least. Is there ANY way at all that circumstances could change? Like maybe you could stay with your sister for part of the week (and get a job or something in the area) and then return back to home for the rest of the week? It's really hard and there's no easy answers. So she likes it at the Deaf school? That's awesome! What an awesome oppertunty for her! especially as she's only hoh. Just gotta figure out how to handle missing Mom and family right? Its too bad that there isn't a way that she could do a "week at res school and then week at school at home" sort of set up.

10-25-2007, 01:30 AM	#39 (permalink)
deafdyke So NOT a Princess! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Trebekistan Posts: 6,330	Oh you know............a wicked good resource is the Parent Deaf-hh listserv. Archives of PARENTDEAF-HH@LISTSERV.KENT.EDU There are some res school parents on the list, as well as other parents who could give you advice and ideas. You're getting good advice here, but you might get some ideas and things from parents who are very experianced with the res school experiance. I remember a few years ago, people discussing about options for parents who wanted to send their kids to a Deaf school, but didn't want them to be res students. What state are you in? Maybe someone can direct you to a school with a decent Deaf program, so that your daughter can stay at home, but also get the benifits of teachers who are familiar with dhh kids. She might change her mind about staying at school when she's older. I would definitly do some brainstorming to come up with a good workable solution for your daughter. I would also join the American Society for Deaf Children. It's an AWESOME organization. American Society for Deaf Children

10-26-2007, 08:01 PM	#41 (permalink)
Kris Registered User Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Chicago Posts: 29	This is a problem I have never had to deal with and I applaud your bravery with the situation. I know this thread is about how to handle the situation with your daughter wanting to come home from school but there was something else that caught my attention. You mentioned her brother, sister and father and that there is a growing gap. Don't over look this. I think this is just as important. You don't want to have your family divided. There is enough going on without this added problem. I hope that everyone in the family discusses what is happening so the other kids understand and find ways that they can become more involved with their sister. Do her brother and sister sign?

11-21-2007, 09:07 PM	#43 (permalink)
jillio Registered User Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 14,249	I am very happy that things have worked out so well for you and your daughter. It is really a shame that you both had to go through this when assistance was so available, but you were not informed. Have a great holiday with your daughter by your side!

11-23-2007, 02:43 AM	#46 (permalink)
deafdyke So NOT a Princess! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Trebekistan Posts: 6,330	I am very happy that your daughter is doing well in her new placement! Isn't it nice not to have to fight mainstream educators about the proper services for your daughter? Specialized programs rock don't they? I gotta say although regular classes regular school is painted as "least restrictive enviorment" , very often it can be such a pain to deal with the bureocracy, involved in trying to get good accomondations and programming. Those people who are "mainstream is the best!" just really have NO CLUE what they are talking about Are there a lot of dhh kids in the program? Although she's doing well, don't forget to factor in your daughter's input as to educational placement. Keep on asking her what she likes about the program, ask her about any downsides etc. Keep her involved at the Deaf school. Maybe she could go and visit those kids she played with, every so often. Also, Deaf schools offer summer camps/programs. Keep her involved there......when she's older (eg jr high/teen) she may want to return to dorm life. (especially since jr high and high school can be so brutal for even kids without disabilites!)

11-23-2007, 08:04 PM	#48 (permalink)
deafdyke So NOT a Princess! Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Trebekistan Posts: 6,330	Hey, Lucia, that's awesome that you're pro-family but also OK with residental school placement. ] I really honestly think that maybe a good idea might be for the state to reserve a bunch of houses in the city where the res school is, for families so that they can relocate there easier. I gotta say that while most kids should wait to do the dorm thing, there are kids who should definitly take advantage of the dorm sitution. Like there are prolly kids in dangerous inner city slums, who would significently benifit from going to a res school. Not all kids are lucky enough to belong to stable families.

11-24-2007, 12:30 AM	#49 (permalink)
darkangel8603 Loki : God of Mischief Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 1,430	Ahh i remember when i was younger. I was placed in res school at 6 yrs old and stayed 2 years before my parent placed me in mainstream with deaf program at home. I remember the wednesday visits my parents would come down and visit me every wed but when it was time for them to leave i would cry and cry and cry and not want them to leave. Also the days when winters made the roads bad i would get very upset cuz my parents wouldnt come to visit. so they finally took me out of res school (i think alot of it had to do with them missing me too much lol) but not only cuz of that, has alot of other reasons too but i am not going to go into that, anyway I returned to res school at 12 for grade 7 to high school.