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04-23-2004, 07:04 AM
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#1 (permalink) |
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 31
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"The Silent Truth"
This is open to anyone who can make comments and advices so I can take them and improve my writing. Please feel free to criticize!
“The Long Day” Pleasant dreams has quietly drifted away, As the sun lighten the gloomy color of gray. Subconsciously, I’ve been awake inside, Depressing thoughts has begun to subside. As I recall all of the hazy memories of you, Describing it like there’s a heaven in my view. As long as it keeps on living within my heart, The structure of my soul will never fall apart. Still on my own without a sense of being lonely, Trying to envision her, the one and the only. As she ethereally appears in a delicate illusion, I’m confident without a feeling of a delusion. Moving on with the past holding on to my back, With every step I take, memories have come to attack. Made me stronger with dedication inside to the bone, Striving for the best, alone in a place of unknown. The sun has gone down, with shining stars peering, The long day’s close to the end, feeling so endearing. Slowly falling asleep to the moonlight once again, Beyond my mind, I’ve found her waiting, Amen. Last edited by silentnature; 04-24-2004 at 06:13 AM. |
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04-24-2004, 06:16 AM
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#2 (permalink) |
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 31
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"Dazed"
Guide me through the chaos of my mind The deception has caught me red handed Confident that this is only a delusion Not going to fall for this fake illusion There are two doors in front of me This one says, Be damned if I do The other says, Be damned if I don’t Staring at the message First time in my life, I’ve never been hit this hard… Eyes wide open, realized the truth It have perfectly described my life Everything happens for a reason So if it was meant to be at first, Then it was meant to be in the end… |
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04-25-2004, 08:05 PM
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#3 (permalink) |
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Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 7,090
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As young as you are, you do have a talent for putting together a poem, I can only see a great potential for you and your future IF you'll continue to portray vividly--feelings, insights, wisdom, encouragements, heartfelt thoughts, etc. with poetry....in the days, months and years ahead!! Very nice work...
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04-26-2004, 12:09 AM
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#4 (permalink) | |
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~VaLLeY Of ThE SuN~
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Valley of the Sun, Arizona
Posts: 69
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04-26-2004, 04:44 AM
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#5 (permalink) | |
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Cranial protocologist
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Allright - here's my critque:
Red text = Suggested change Blue text = Suggested deletion A nice poem expressing yourself, and it is also capable of touching others! I like the way you use adverbs and adjectives to describe every feeling. That sure adds a lot of dimension to your language. As for the grammar itself, it had a few errors that I'm guilty of sometimes, too.  Keep up with the fine work!Quote:
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04-26-2004, 04:46 AM
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#6 (permalink) | |
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Cranial protocologist
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Sounds like my life, too.
Quote:
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04-26-2004, 07:15 AM
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#7 (permalink) | |
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 31
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Quote:
Thanks! I appreciated all of your thoughts and comments about it. Please feel free to read more of my poems coming up soon. |
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04-26-2004, 07:17 AM
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#8 (permalink) | |
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 31
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Quote:
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04-26-2004, 07:19 AM
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#9 (permalink) |
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 31
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"Counting"
Counting the moments that I've spent without you Counting the steps that I've taken without you Counting the drops that has rained without you Counting the clouds that has faded without you Counting the tears that I've cried without you Counting the laughter that I've laughed without you Counting the hours that I’ve lost without you ... Counting the days that I've been without you... without you... without you... Counting the stars that has shone without you Counting the memories that I’ve made without you Counting the shooting stars that has fallen without you Counting the waves that has broken without you Counting the dreams that has been forgotten without you Counting the winds that has whispered without you Counting the desires that I've wanted without you ... Counting the days that I've been without you... without you... without you... You're a last piece of the puzzle that was lost Now, I have to find it to put it back into in my heart To make it all ready to begin... ready to begin... ready to begin... |
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04-26-2004, 07:23 AM
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#10 (permalink) |
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Registered User
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 31
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“For Me”
Ever since the day we met Knew that we’re meant for each other One day, you never came home Knew that I’m gonna be alone Alone in this world, cobwebs in my heart Don’t know what to do, while looking for you Wondering when I’m gonna find a way Hopeless feelings creeping all over me It’s all over, let it be, let it be I’m waiting everyday for you to show I’m waiting, every second of the day I’m waiting for you to have something to say Still standing, in the darkness of my heart Wondering when you’ll come for me, come for me Did I do anything wrong in any way? If not, why didn’t you come home to me Are you losin’ your mind, passing the time Just tell me why you didn’t show up for me Left me without a chance to get know me, know me Yet I’m waiting forever, never made up your mind Still waiting, losing my memories fast like a cancer Still waiting, searching everywhere for an answer Still standing, in the darkness of my heart Wondering when you’ll come for me, come for me |
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