rewrite: Castle in my mind - feedback needed

dreamchaser · 04-26-2008, 10:09 AM

I have tried to revamp this story as Vampy suggested. I added a new beginning, and fixed what I think he said to fix.

Your feedback is the only way I will learn,, Hate it, like or love it... it's all good........I need your opinion. If it is cheesey, just tell me.

Thanks for your time in reading and responding.

I'm not worthy..

:bowdo wn:

Jeanie... Still chasin the dream for a better tomorrow for Everybody!

To all my mods who are so tender and patient with me. Forgive me if this ends up under the wrong thread category... my account is still messing up... I tried to get it into creative writing.

dreamchaser · 04-26-2008, 10:51 AM

Well, my second try and the attatchment did not attatch again. Finally, I think we got it... Beam me up scotty.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dreamchaser

I have tried to revamp this story as Vampy suggested. I added a new beginning, and fixed what I think he said to fix.

Your feedback is the only way I will learn,, Hate it, like or love it... it's all good........I need your opinion. If it is cheesey, just tell me.

Thanks for your time in reading and responding.

I'm not worthy..

:bowdo wn:

Jeanie... Still chasin the dream for a better tomorrow for Everybody!

To all my mods who are so tender and patient with me. Forgive me if this ends up under the wrong thread category... my account is still messing up... I tried to get it into creative writing.

shel90 · 04-26-2008, 11:50 AM

I really cant think of any suggestions to make cuz it is so good. I loved the way u said that the girl can hear the waves and birds through her eyes. That is significant since hearing people dont realize that we can "hear" the beauty of the world through our eyes like blind people can "see" the beauty through sounds and touch.

KarissaMann05 · 04-26-2008, 01:19 PM

Hiya there. I just read yours, yeah, it look so mcuh better than before. I don't think there is anything to add (unless any ADer give you an idea). Your story is still awesome!

Great work

***VamPyroX*** · 04-27-2008, 01:49 AM

It certainly looks a lot better!

Hmm... "greyer"? Do you mean "grayer"?

Should "enjoy the extrao kites dancing precariously on the breeze" be "enjoy the extra kites dancing precariously in the breeze"? (remove 'o' from extrao & change 'on' to 'in')

You still using "Deaf" instead of "deaf"?

Other than that, it looks good.

(By the way, the before-you-saw-the-deaf-girl description seems a bit too long unless that's something you think your teacher will like.)

04-26-2008, 10:09 AM	#1 (permalink)
dreamchaser Registered User Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 548 Blog Entries: 1	rewrite: Castle in my mind - feedback needed I have tried to revamp this story as Vampy suggested. I added a new beginning, and fixed what I think he said to fix. Your feedback is the only way I will learn,, Hate it, like or love it... it's all good........I need your opinion. If it is cheesey, just tell me. Thanks for your time in reading and responding. I'm not worthy..:bowdo wn: Jeanie... Still chasin the dream for a better tomorrow for Everybody! To all my mods who are so tender and patient with me. Forgive me if this ends up under the wrong thread category... my account is still messing up... I tried to get it into creative writing.

04-26-2008, 11:50 AM	#3 (permalink)
shel90 Sun Whorshipper Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: A Desert Rat that has found herself in Maryland Posts: 12,610 Blog Entries: 1	I really cant think of any suggestions to make cuz it is so good. I loved the way u said that the girl can hear the waves and birds through her eyes. That is significant since hearing people dont realize that we can "hear" the beauty of the world through our eyes like blind people can "see" the beauty through sounds and touch. __________________ ~Shel~

04-26-2008, 01:19 PM	#4 (permalink)
KarissaMann05 Jessie's Character Join Date: May 2007 Location: Oregon Posts: 1,868 Blog Entries: 9	Hiya there. I just read yours, yeah, it look so mcuh better than before. I don't think there is anything to add (unless any ADer give you an idea). Your story is still awesome! Great work __________________ Credit by KarissaMann05

04-27-2008, 01:49 AM	#5 (permalink)
*VamPyroX* bloody phreak from hell Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Hell Posts: 25,902	It certainly looks a lot better! Hmm... "greyer"? Do you mean "grayer"? Should "enjoy the extrao kites dancing precariously on the breeze" be "enjoy the extra kites dancing precariously in the breeze"? (remove 'o' from extrao & change 'on' to 'in') You still using "Deaf" instead of "deaf"? Other than that, it looks good. (By the way, the before-you-saw-the-deaf-girl description seems a bit too long unless that's something you think your teacher will like.) __________________ Check out my city... CLICK HERE! (If you already visited yesterday, visit again today!)

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