Chase

Re-write completed. Thanks to all.

Deafness

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Matilda

Ok Chase .... that's an excellent chapter you wrote there! which had me riveted to the story .... more, more!

Here are some suggestions/corrections, if I may? - IMO

You had the woman wearing a blouse and the next she was wearing a dress (which should be a skirt) ... maybe a pencil-like skirt?, which further down in the story you said a tight dress (should be skirt).

saran wrap .... had to look it up in the dictionary ... meaning a heavy fabric. I know you were trying to say that the dress clung to her like saran wrap ... meaning it clung to her, like a static ...? / like a wet ...? (cannot think of a word for it). Again, should be attire, not dress.

clubs -- no problem .... a space before the 1st dash and after the 2nd dash

When you mentioned the word witch, I feel it's an incorrect word as when you mentioned witch and in the next describing a beautiful woman/attire that is nowhere to the description of witch .... possibly prefer the word 'figure' ? (When 'a figure' materialized in front of me)

IMO - even in the mirror, flew/drove are not the same to me .... the others you mentioned 'mouths' the same - (olive juice, elephant stew, I love you)


Chase, that's about it so far, I will have another read later for either more or nil inputs. Hope you can understand what I am trying to say ... let me know if you want more clarification.

Chase

I slapped my forehead over the skirt thing. Your suggestion is perfect. What do I know about women’s wear? Modern saran wrap isn’t so thick, but I see it muddles the image. What should I compare the diaphanous skirt to? Gauze wrap? Help!!

In US publication, an “em dash” must be two hyphens, no space before and after. However, I can save those editor nit-picks until I send in the manuscript. From now on, I’ll put in the spaces, as they help in wrap-around computer writing.

Ozzie, I’m kind of stuck with the term "witch." She is one . . . actually a wiccan, but the deafie doesn’t know the difference at the first meeting. I’m wondering how to dispel the image of the old crone from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves or the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz, and try for the Good Witch of the East in Oz or one of the hot witches in Practical Magic?

I’ll work on the passage with flew/drove. Either I’ll come up with other words or make it clear the phrases had dissimilar parts.

You have no idea how much I appreciate your helpful comments. Additional comments, flaming bashes, all welcome.

Matilda

I will ponder over your above questions, etc and get back to you so meanwhile I want to ask you -

Is it supposed to be wintertime or what season? ... you're wearing coveralls over winter wear so why is the woman wearing scanty clothing befitting summer? (vanity?). Why the long gloves? ... is the year in 1968, is that what you mean? Nobody wore LONG gloves in 1968, did they? (only to a ball/gala). Maybe those short ones, they did?

I'll have a think about the 'witch' part.

Matilda

compare the diaphanous skirt to? Gauze wrap? … a difficult one there. How about silk wrap? silk cocoon? a sarong? Or ... the diaphanous (or gossamer?) skirt clinging to her shape but not revealing anything more than alluring hints?

when the witch materialized in front of me, white on white … how do you know it’s a witch as you said in the next sentence, it was a hazy image. Even if she is a witch, why say witch when you don’t know that till further down the track so therefore don’t need to tell the readers that yet …. give the readers a bit of mystery there. As I suggested in the last post … when a figure materialized in front of me, white on white.

When I asked which weather season in the last post …. I realized later, that even though you wore winter clothing, the woman didn’t ‘cause she is a witch (they don’t feel the cold) … is that what you’re getting at?

Another one … A sheer blouse on spaghetti straps … (should that be, a sheer blouse with spaghetti straps?)

leaving nothing to imagination … (leaving nothing to the imagination)

her silly dress in tatters … (her silly attire in tatters)

and in her tight, filmy dress …. (and in her filmy apparel or outfit). I’m pretty sure Ginger Rogers never wore a ‘pencil-like’ or tight skirt when she danced …. it usually was either a long /short skirt …. full, flowing, elegant, sinuous skirt … take your pick.

I think that’s about it … sorry … I’ll let the others have a go.

I find it ironic that I am editing for a retired English professor .... "the shoes on the other foot" but I found it fun for me, Chase as my fav school subject was English and my spelling tests was 100%.

Chase

In the writing world, you're called a "beta reader." Even the best authors have several. I need all I can get. Requirements are no more than being an avid reader, often in the genre, but not always. In this case I need readers with interest or experience with deafness, but I don't want to place a limit on criticism--so anything and everything goes.

The point of view in this chapter (but not others) is first-person, past-tense so we aren't living the event with him as in stream-of-consciousness. We're reading his recollection, and memory seldom enjoys chronological order, but jumps around, jumbling flashback and foreshadow. Several writers use multiple points of view, so I didn't spell out that part out. However, if it's bothersome, I'd like to know.

As for being an English prof, I write and rewrite until what I read of my own stuff is what I want to be on the page, not what's actually there. English profs make typos and faux pas. I mostly edit firearms articles for money. At present, I beta read two authors for free, one so-so mystery writer and the other a name to knock your socks off.

All input is valuable to me, so I hope you continue and others join in. I'll do the same in return.

Matilda

What you're saying, it's like a summary/draft to present to the publisher?

Chase

No. I'm sorry I'm being so confusing, but beta reading is a fairly standard procedure among writers, so I'm doing too much assuming.

What you're reading for me is only one step away from the final product the publisher will get, only it will be in Microsoft Word manuscript format which I can't reproduce here. In this case, the devil is in the details.

Anyway, you are doing a fine job for me. I appreciate it. Please keep it up.

jillio

Fine draft, Chase, excepting those inconsistencies that Ozzie pointed out. Lovely picturesque use of language and excellent character development. I look forward to this being published. You'll find me in line at the closest book signing!

Tousi

Me, too but not near your bee hive boxes! Lol...

Chase

Thank you all for posting. I'm going to leave this thread for a while longer as I work suggestions into chapter two, which is crucial for the storyline.

After more criticism (I hope) I'll submit the re-write here with chapter three (if you don't mind). The next chapter also has deaf detail which I'd like to run past you all.

sleepytaz

Excellent chapter Chase! It gave me a change to do something in my interested field of majoring in English dept.

I agree with Ozzie's suggestions with the clothes and how it was described.

I also was taught that no space was to be used before or after the hyphen.

As for ASL, I was taught to say the whole word first then use the summary for the rest of the chapter or book... you had it ASL then American Sign Language, perhaps it ought to be the other way around???


Keep it up, I'm enjoying myself!

Chase

For everyday writing, I use the computer merged hyphens — like in print, but editors are fussy about manuscripts, so I do it the old typewriter way--like they ask.

That's a "rule" for technical writing, but I agree it couldn't hurt in creative writing. I'll give the change a try in the re-write.

Thanks, I'm enjoying myself, too!

sleepytaz

Ohh heh alrighty! No plm!

jillio

I read it as ASL (American Sign Language) used as an aside. But either way would work, I suppose. I would think, as coming through a character, the first way would be more appropriate.

Matilda

Maybe a few errors - (Your American spelling maybe different to Oz)

Smoke had as the same calming affect (effect?) as the cold morning.

So I took the roundabout graveled (gravelled?) road.

I kept walking, and she backpedaled (back-pedalled?) in front of me.

Somehow, I knew it on that foggy morning. (You already had foggy twice near the beginning so maybe changed that to 'misty'?)

jillio

You are spot on on the effect/affect. The other 2 spellings are correct, though. You've got a good eye, Ozzie!

restless_heart

Very well put for your first draft. Always rewrite and rewrite...it doesn't end here till you are happy with your work. Now that scene and structure thing...and point of view are every writers' nightmares, I will tell you that. Some may get very tricky that you may overlook, like Ozzie had mentioned about the wear...yeah, yeah I know...You are not alone Chase. It happened to me a lot...yep...Even that Spell check still enjoy its game to play trick in my work...

As a writer myself, what I do is just write and write till I end up finishing the story without looking back. Like 27 chapters (300) pages in three weeks flat. Let the errors flow...Then I go back to rewrite and rewrite a few months later...mmmm and hide your work for as long as a week or more is an ideal. Go back to it, whoaaaa there, you will notice something that you have missed...like I said that spell check isn't 100 percent perfect, lol. Adding this and that...change the word, cutting the sentence in short, you name it all...I am going insane!!!

So I am working on a memior and almost ready to go to agents...When I finished it last winter 2006 it was less 40,000 words and now close to 70,000 after I went back to it last summer, little at a time...Rewrite does the job. I wish you luck Chase!!! I really like what you had written. Keep up the good work. Remember write nonstop then rewrite and rewrite...it will go smoothly in the end. And asking others for their point of view is great to look around...

I agree with Ozzie, you may want to change the 'witch' part. Add a deaf character is a great thing to the story coming from your experince. Like I have read Stphen King's The Stand, hahaha....he doesnt know how to create a deaf or mute like we do, we can write better and more than Stephen King can because we do know what it is like and feel, mmmm don't u agree Chase? I did that with one of my mini series novel, creating a deaf character and also in my memior.

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dreamchaser

I just finished my first read of your chapter. I can so relate to the the surroundings, and you did a good job of bringing the Willamette Valley to life. I can probably appreciate that more than folks who have never lived in or near Albany. We used to hunt between Corvallis and Albany, and I can truly picture the beehives, the trees, and the blackberry bushes that consume the land if let go. Also, the morning fog gets just as thick as you described it, especially in the morning and near the rivers and streams. Aslo, it was cool to see the local newspapers referenced. All of those things add an authenticity to your story. Gave me goose bumps.

I was really enjoying the story line, despite the few flaws. I am hardly a critique of anything, as I am only now getting to experience a writing class. I was just wanting to let you know that as an Oregonian neighbor, you did a good job of bringing a little of the coutryside to life for me. Lookin forward to reading more. I am very excited for you. I would love to have you sign a copy when I buy one.

Chase

Thank you all. I'm somewhat surprised at such positive critiques. Anyway, they're all really welcome and useful as I'm getting into the re-write.

I got one hit on speech-reading to fix, but I'd appreciate more comment on the deaf parts, if you could take the time.

If I used icons, I would be all smiles, bowing, kisses, hugs, signing ILY, and throwing thank-yous.

DragonYoga

OK! I'll do an "in-line" critique to make it easier for the two of us. I have some experience critquing from scribophile.com (you should probably consider joining that site - it is excellent). Text in red & bold are my comments.

FIRST...I *LOVE* it!!! I do want to read some more! Second, I'm noticing some purple prose. I think the extra description could be eliminated, to make the text tighter and smoother. One tip off that it's purple prose is when the description distracts from the story. And the first sentence is the PERFECT example...

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Chase

Dragonyoga, thanks loads for the terrific line-by-line. You caught some new things needing to be reworked, as well as confirmed other critics here. Fantastic.

Ha ha ha, I like the purple prose definition. It goes double for this first-person narration of a bee farmer. He’s smart, quite well-read as farmers in Oregon tend to be, but his diction is more colloquially rural, as most Oregon farmers I’ve seen when among peers. They may know better grammar, but they seldom use in informal conversation--which this narrative is.

For that reason, I have to go with terms like “sure” in his narration and dialogue and save terms like “certainly” for the narration and dialogue of others characters. The same with putting the more correct “ly” ending on adverbs. Folks drop them a lot around here. As you say, it’s purposefully stylistic, but you only have one short chapter to go on. Good criticism.

Beowulf (the Old English name for bear, bee-wolf ) introduces a character of sorts. Bears are the major enemies of bees, because they’re so destructive when taking honey. Unfortunately, the term for a grown male bear is “boar” and the female is “sow.” Webster: “a) an adult female pig b) an adult female of certain other mammals, as the bear.” I’m kind of stuck with that.

The exclamation in the dialogue is correct, just not seen a great deal these days. So I may change it to blend in with more common modern use. Just so you know, the period is the only end mark changed to a comma in dialogue breaks. The question mark and exclamation are retained. The following examples are from Chicago Manual of Style, but other manuals for U.S. publications agree: “The ship . . . Oh, God . . . it’s sinking!” cried Henrietta (5.12), and “Don’t be absurd!” said Henry (10.24).

Those and all the other critiques are golden . . . er . . . chocolate to me. Everything--but I particularly like the caution against having a deaf-from-birth man discuss things like tenor and bass. That bit of description definitely has to be saved for a hearie character. That's exactly the stuff I need from AllDeaf critics.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Can’t wait to get to re-writes.

dreamchaser

Hey there Chase. I am amazed to know that bears are such enemies to the bee. It makes perfect sense now, but I don't think the average person is aware of that. Maybe you can add a sentence to enlighten your readers to why it is important if there is a bear in the area and also to educate them a little about the name. I only guessed about a sow being a reference to a female bear, but possibly the general audience would think you were referring to a pig. There is nothing wrong with educating your audience a little about these tidbits. I love it when I glean a little knowledge from fiction. Rock on my friend... Jeanie... still chasin the dream for a better tomorrow for ALL!

dreamchaser

Forgot to mention: I agree with you over the dialect question. I can attest to the authenticity of the farmers in the area and their informalness in casual conversation. I think to represent it in any other way would water down your character's personality. I can actually see the guy in my mind because of his choice of words. I am curious though, are you going to give any background on the character's ability to speak so well? If he was born Deaf, how did he learn speech? Is his speech clear? Did he attend an oralist school? Some areas of the conversation seemed to be very normal an unhindered. I am also in agreement that the character can't be too concerned with the masculine tone of his voice, for how can he know about the way it sounds. Maybe he would be more worried about the preciseness of his diction more than the tone, especially if he were trying to impress a pretty lady. Don't Deaf people worry that they pronunciate correctly, thus their speech sometimes comes out measured. ???? I really don't know the answers to these questions, and maybe your readers would learn a little bit about the Deaf experience if you expounded just a little. Of course, I have no clue how you would do that without disrupting the flow of your story, but then, that is why you are publishing books... and I'm not...

Hey, did I mention you rock?

Chase

Thanks. I used to rock, but now I mostly pebble.

Good ideas. I was kind of hoping since a bear is in the topic sentence and pigs aren't mentioned in the short paragraph that folks unfamiliar with the other meaning might kind of catch on anyway. I'll try out another way to imply it. However, this is just a hint about Beowulf the rogue black bear. Can't squeeze everything into the first two chapters, and Beowulf will appear later with a bigger part.

Both you and Dragonyoda are right--gotta work on the dialogue of a guy totally deaf from birth and let it follow better logic. These are all priceless helps.

DragonYoga

Chase,

You are SO welcome! I had fun, and thank you for your explanations. I learned something new today!

I cannot WAIT to read more!

As a fellow writer, my advice is to finish writing the story first before rewriting or you'll never finish.

Edited to add - why not say "she-bear"? That would create less confusion for those of us who don't know sows are bears too!

...sows are bears too? somehow that's ringing SO wrong... :-P

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