The*Empress
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- Joined
- Jan 26, 2005
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1. The first is to give them reassurance. “I've changed. I won't be controlling anymore. I won't lie to you anymore. I won't have another affair,” and so forth. The efforts to give them reassurance. This almost never works.
2. The second strategy is to tell them over and over again, “I love you.” That never works.
3. The third strategy is arguing, reasoning, trying to talk them into feeling different or doing different. That never works.
Always agree.
A person says, “You know, I want a divorce.”
You should say, “I understand. I agree.”
They want a divorce because you're always disagreeing with them.
They do not want a divorce from somebody who's always pleasant and is always seeing their side and always agreeing with them.
That's not the person they're pulling away from.
They're pulling away from the person who disagrees with them.
People don't want to be married to somebody who's holding a gun on them.
“You owe me love because we're married. You've got to love me because we're married.” No, no. You've got to get rid of the hostility.
Get rid of your attitude of needing and pressuring and whining and complaining, and trying to argue for your way.
Just enthusiastically see it their way.
You're happy to do whatever they want.
When you say, “You're the only one that I can love, you're the only one that I can be happy with, you're the only one,” you're really saying, “I'm a pea-brain. I can't really see that the world is full of beautiful women or good looking men. I can't see that. I don't have any confidence at all. Don't you want me?”
No, they don't.
“I have no self-esteem, no nothing. Don't you want me?”
And the answer is no.
4. Pessimism. We become addicted to our pessimism.
I once had a man say to me, “I know I can't win. You don't know my wife. She's very stubborn. She never changes her mind."
I say, “Never? About anything?”
“Well, maybe about minor things, but not things this important.”
I said, “Well, I think it's about something this important is precisely what she has changed her mind about. She originally said she was going to stay with you and love you forever. And now, she can't stand you. So obviously, she's changed her mind. So obviously, she does change her mind.”
When one person is wanting a divorce or is pulling away, and the other one doesn't want it, there is a clash of wills, there is tension, and there is stress.
Now here are three elements, three ideas, three strategies....
1. Stop pressuring, stop criticizing, stop complaining, stop whining.
2. Agree with anything your mate says or does. Agree with their negative feelings – whatever they are.
“Yes, this relationship is hopeless.”
“Yes, you will never be able to trust me. That's exactly correct.”
Do not defend yourself.
Just agree, sound sincere, and shut up.
Yeah, just like me, when I say, "White men don't understand."
And Steel suppose to say, "I agree."
3. Act perfectly happy about everything as it is.
Act perfectly happy. Enjoy your space. Enjoy your freedom. Tell them that they are correct – that you all were getting too serious too fast – or whatever their interpretation is that they've given to you. Agree with it, and act happy about whatever it is that they want.
Okay, I will tell men that I enjoy sex, give me give me, whip me!!!!!
Now, you can't do this for a week or a day or a month, and then switch back over to the old pressuring self. It's not going to work for you. And you can't do it partly in one part of the conversation and then slip back to explaining yourself about what you want and why you did what you did.
You've got to practice consistency with this. No pressure at all.
If you're separated, you can call and say hi, do small talk and happy talk. Small talk. Happy talk.
But what if that person order restraining order?
Serious talk hurts the relationship most of the time.
Small talk, happy talk, friendly talk. Make it brief.
You can call. They will not feel pressured if you do that kind of talk or stick to practical things.
“When do you want me to pick the kids up?”
Or, “Do you want me to bring the check by or do you want me to mail it?”
Every time you say to them, “But, I love you,” you are saying, “but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important.”
Lots of times men tell their wives, “I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed.”
I tell the husbands that “Every time you say, ‘I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed.”
And they would say, “Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that.”
I tell them, “Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?”
And they would say, “Yeah, I want her back.”
I say to them, “That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, ‘I've changed,' you're saying, ‘Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want.”
And subconsciously, she says, “He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way.”
If you want to win somebody back, the worst thing you can do is disagree with them. Never do it!
Recently a man called me and told me that his wife was telling him over and over again that she did not love him any more, and that "this marriage can't work and I don't want it to work."
And of course he was very upset.
At the opportune moment,
when she started telling you how she didn't love you anymore and that this marriage can't work and that she didn't even have the slightest desire for it to work. You should use a soft tone of voice and agree.
The more you use pressure, the less they see your inner beauty and your charm.
You have put the white flag up.
Agree with them.
Do not disagree at all.
It's not to your advantage.
2. The second strategy is to tell them over and over again, “I love you.” That never works.
3. The third strategy is arguing, reasoning, trying to talk them into feeling different or doing different. That never works.
Always agree.
A person says, “You know, I want a divorce.”
You should say, “I understand. I agree.”
They want a divorce because you're always disagreeing with them.
They do not want a divorce from somebody who's always pleasant and is always seeing their side and always agreeing with them.
That's not the person they're pulling away from.
They're pulling away from the person who disagrees with them.
People don't want to be married to somebody who's holding a gun on them.
“You owe me love because we're married. You've got to love me because we're married.” No, no. You've got to get rid of the hostility.
Get rid of your attitude of needing and pressuring and whining and complaining, and trying to argue for your way.
Just enthusiastically see it their way.
You're happy to do whatever they want.
When you say, “You're the only one that I can love, you're the only one that I can be happy with, you're the only one,” you're really saying, “I'm a pea-brain. I can't really see that the world is full of beautiful women or good looking men. I can't see that. I don't have any confidence at all. Don't you want me?”
No, they don't.
“I have no self-esteem, no nothing. Don't you want me?”
And the answer is no.
4. Pessimism. We become addicted to our pessimism.
I once had a man say to me, “I know I can't win. You don't know my wife. She's very stubborn. She never changes her mind."
I say, “Never? About anything?”
“Well, maybe about minor things, but not things this important.”
I said, “Well, I think it's about something this important is precisely what she has changed her mind about. She originally said she was going to stay with you and love you forever. And now, she can't stand you. So obviously, she's changed her mind. So obviously, she does change her mind.”
When one person is wanting a divorce or is pulling away, and the other one doesn't want it, there is a clash of wills, there is tension, and there is stress.
Now here are three elements, three ideas, three strategies....
1. Stop pressuring, stop criticizing, stop complaining, stop whining.
2. Agree with anything your mate says or does. Agree with their negative feelings – whatever they are.
“Yes, this relationship is hopeless.”
“Yes, you will never be able to trust me. That's exactly correct.”
Do not defend yourself.
Just agree, sound sincere, and shut up.
Yeah, just like me, when I say, "White men don't understand."
And Steel suppose to say, "I agree."
3. Act perfectly happy about everything as it is.
Act perfectly happy. Enjoy your space. Enjoy your freedom. Tell them that they are correct – that you all were getting too serious too fast – or whatever their interpretation is that they've given to you. Agree with it, and act happy about whatever it is that they want.
Okay, I will tell men that I enjoy sex, give me give me, whip me!!!!!
Now, you can't do this for a week or a day or a month, and then switch back over to the old pressuring self. It's not going to work for you. And you can't do it partly in one part of the conversation and then slip back to explaining yourself about what you want and why you did what you did.
You've got to practice consistency with this. No pressure at all.
If you're separated, you can call and say hi, do small talk and happy talk. Small talk. Happy talk.
But what if that person order restraining order?
Serious talk hurts the relationship most of the time.
Small talk, happy talk, friendly talk. Make it brief.
You can call. They will not feel pressured if you do that kind of talk or stick to practical things.
“When do you want me to pick the kids up?”
Or, “Do you want me to bring the check by or do you want me to mail it?”
Every time you say to them, “But, I love you,” you are saying, “but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important.”
Lots of times men tell their wives, “I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed.”
I tell the husbands that “Every time you say, ‘I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed.”
And they would say, “Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that.”
I tell them, “Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?”
And they would say, “Yeah, I want her back.”
I say to them, “That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, ‘I've changed,' you're saying, ‘Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want.”
And subconsciously, she says, “He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way.”
If you want to win somebody back, the worst thing you can do is disagree with them. Never do it!
Recently a man called me and told me that his wife was telling him over and over again that she did not love him any more, and that "this marriage can't work and I don't want it to work."
And of course he was very upset.
At the opportune moment,
when she started telling you how she didn't love you anymore and that this marriage can't work and that she didn't even have the slightest desire for it to work. You should use a soft tone of voice and agree.
The more you use pressure, the less they see your inner beauty and your charm.
You have put the white flag up.
Agree with them.
Do not disagree at all.
It's not to your advantage.
