gnarlydorkette
New Member
- Joined
- Oct 6, 2003
- Messages
- 1,759
- Reaction score
- 0
This was a handout for my "Human Sexuality" class which I am taking this summer. Enjoy!
HEALTHY INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS: 12 TIPS
What follows are twelve useful guidelines for couples. They have been found to be of great importance to happy, intimate, passionate, and committed long-term relationships. They are derived from research on the 10-15% of couples who have been together for over five years, ...and who are, to a large extent, living the "happily-ever-after" we all hope for. If you can utilize these suggestions, you will be taking an important step toward joining this elite group of loving couples. Sit down soon with your partner and this fact-sheet and give your relationship a potentially wonderful gift by patiently working to improve those things that deserve your attention. If you find these tips genuinely helpful, we suggest you save this information sheet for reference for those inevitable times when things are not going well in your relationship. The following is a list of factors that are now known to be some of the important things that separate the truly happy from the unhappy couples.
1. PRIORITIES: The happy and satisfied couples make a very clear commitment to each other to make their relationship (including their sexual relationship) good. They give their relationship the time and attention it deserves. They place quality time together at the top of their list of priorities. Other things that demand their time are sometimes canceled or delayed. Dinners are sometimes put on hold while they talk or make love. They may be late for a party or work or a visit to relatives. They are careful to arrange weekends or vacations alone... without the children, or friends, or mother-in-law. They sometimes turn down invitations and they carefully examine events or tasks called "obligations."
2. TIMING: A good and satisfying relationship can happen only when there is time for it. The current structure of families and the American work ethic conspire to lead us into a predictable trap. Couples put off intimacy and conversation while they "get things done." Cleaning the house, washing the car, talking to relatives on the phone, watching TV, etc. replace the loving behaviors they used to engage in at the outset of their relationship. If anything good happens, it comes late at the end of a fatiguing day, or put off until the weekend or vacation. Happy couples don't stop making "dates" with each other and seize upon expected and unexpected times and opportunities. They make time, take time, and pay a lot of attention to each other.
3. RECOVERY: The happy couples are quite unique in that they quickly recover from arguments and hurt feelings. They have been found to use a method not often recommended by counselors and therapists of the past. They are often able to temporarily put aside relationship problems to experience something enjoyable together. They put off further arguments while they go to a concert, out to dinner, a party, or even to make love. Then, soon after having a good time together, they often use these good feelings to quickly resolve issues that unhappy couples spend a lifetime fighting about. The healthy couples try to work on important disagreements in this way ONLY when they are both at their best.
4. TOUCH: The happily satisfied couples touch each other a lot. Most of their touching is sensual and not explicitly sexual or genital. They hold hands, snuggle on the couch while they watch TV, hug, kiss, take baths together, give massages, etc. Couples who go days or longer without any prolonged affectionate touch are starting from scratch when they decide to be intimate. Unlike the affectionate couples, they have a lot of work to do in order to make something interesting happen. Sex is not that much different than daily behaviors for the fulfilled couples, but it is a major shift for the less affectionate pairs.
5. ROMANCING: Content couples know the importance of surprise, tenderness, compliments, and special little gifts. (Big, expensive gifts don't predict happiness in relationships, but regular little ones do.) They continue "until death do we part" to behave in a romantic, sexy, and seductive manner toward each other. Touches, unexpected phone calls to each other, candle-lit dinners, naked weekends together, extravagant compliments, flowers and little "thingy" gifts from the drug store, etc. are common events. The gifts and phone calls are especially important since they communicate clearly what words cannot …that, "I am often thinking of you when we aren't together." These couples avoid the deadly danger of taking each other for granted. If they have gone too long being busy with other things, they apologize and do something about it.
(CONTINUED....)
HEALTHY INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS: 12 TIPS
What follows are twelve useful guidelines for couples. They have been found to be of great importance to happy, intimate, passionate, and committed long-term relationships. They are derived from research on the 10-15% of couples who have been together for over five years, ...and who are, to a large extent, living the "happily-ever-after" we all hope for. If you can utilize these suggestions, you will be taking an important step toward joining this elite group of loving couples. Sit down soon with your partner and this fact-sheet and give your relationship a potentially wonderful gift by patiently working to improve those things that deserve your attention. If you find these tips genuinely helpful, we suggest you save this information sheet for reference for those inevitable times when things are not going well in your relationship. The following is a list of factors that are now known to be some of the important things that separate the truly happy from the unhappy couples.
1. PRIORITIES: The happy and satisfied couples make a very clear commitment to each other to make their relationship (including their sexual relationship) good. They give their relationship the time and attention it deserves. They place quality time together at the top of their list of priorities. Other things that demand their time are sometimes canceled or delayed. Dinners are sometimes put on hold while they talk or make love. They may be late for a party or work or a visit to relatives. They are careful to arrange weekends or vacations alone... without the children, or friends, or mother-in-law. They sometimes turn down invitations and they carefully examine events or tasks called "obligations."
2. TIMING: A good and satisfying relationship can happen only when there is time for it. The current structure of families and the American work ethic conspire to lead us into a predictable trap. Couples put off intimacy and conversation while they "get things done." Cleaning the house, washing the car, talking to relatives on the phone, watching TV, etc. replace the loving behaviors they used to engage in at the outset of their relationship. If anything good happens, it comes late at the end of a fatiguing day, or put off until the weekend or vacation. Happy couples don't stop making "dates" with each other and seize upon expected and unexpected times and opportunities. They make time, take time, and pay a lot of attention to each other.
3. RECOVERY: The happy couples are quite unique in that they quickly recover from arguments and hurt feelings. They have been found to use a method not often recommended by counselors and therapists of the past. They are often able to temporarily put aside relationship problems to experience something enjoyable together. They put off further arguments while they go to a concert, out to dinner, a party, or even to make love. Then, soon after having a good time together, they often use these good feelings to quickly resolve issues that unhappy couples spend a lifetime fighting about. The healthy couples try to work on important disagreements in this way ONLY when they are both at their best.
4. TOUCH: The happily satisfied couples touch each other a lot. Most of their touching is sensual and not explicitly sexual or genital. They hold hands, snuggle on the couch while they watch TV, hug, kiss, take baths together, give massages, etc. Couples who go days or longer without any prolonged affectionate touch are starting from scratch when they decide to be intimate. Unlike the affectionate couples, they have a lot of work to do in order to make something interesting happen. Sex is not that much different than daily behaviors for the fulfilled couples, but it is a major shift for the less affectionate pairs.
5. ROMANCING: Content couples know the importance of surprise, tenderness, compliments, and special little gifts. (Big, expensive gifts don't predict happiness in relationships, but regular little ones do.) They continue "until death do we part" to behave in a romantic, sexy, and seductive manner toward each other. Touches, unexpected phone calls to each other, candle-lit dinners, naked weekends together, extravagant compliments, flowers and little "thingy" gifts from the drug store, etc. are common events. The gifts and phone calls are especially important since they communicate clearly what words cannot …that, "I am often thinking of you when we aren't together." These couples avoid the deadly danger of taking each other for granted. If they have gone too long being busy with other things, they apologize and do something about it.
(CONTINUED....)