deafbajagal

I was recently told that my aunt had specifically mentioned in her planning for her funeral that she does not want a sign language interpreter at her funeral because it will distract the people from the service.

I will respect her wishes, but I have to admit I feel hurt and surprised. This is one of my aunts who that I am very close to; she practically raised me. When I had requested for an interpreter for my grandfather's funeral, she was very supportive of it.

Am I wrong to feel hurt and betrayed? Any thoughts?

Deafness

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deafbajagal

BTW, sorry for the dorky title...I couldn't think of a good one to put there. I hope it doesn't sound like topless...oops. Didn't think of that until after I posted...

jillio

You have every right to feel hurt and slighted. Unfortunately, your aunt was not taking into consideration your need to participate fully in her funeral service in order to start your own grieving process. I'm sure her intent wasn't to slight you, still good intentions do not always get good results. Would it be possible for you to take a friend with you that could terp the service from a seat beside you towards the back so that you will still be able to get the service and still respect her wishes?

Byrdie714

Just mentioned to her that you feel hurt and surprised as well as mention how close you feel towards her. Also point out about her supporting you in your request of an interpreter for your grandfather's funeral.

She may come around.

Matilda

Thoughtless or unintentional actions can hurt another person's feelings.

Approach your Aunt in private and tell her of your hurt feelings. It's healthier to resolve the matter than to let it lie and burden you. However, be sensitive how you phrase what you say so that you do not appear to be aggressive.

Ask her nicely if she would have second thoughts by letting you have an interpreter present. If your Aunt thinks it will distract the people from the service, then have the interpreter with you towards the back, like Jillio said. I hope your Aunt will have a change of heart.

Chase

Deafbajagal, something's not right in this picture. I agree with all the good advice so far, but I'm suspecting something that calls for a different approach.

I may be wrong due to lack of information, but from the sentences you posted above, I think there's been some misunderstanding in the second-hand nature of the information you were told.

I agree with Byrdie and Ozzie to go directly to your aunt. I don't believe you should be confrontive or act hurt, just kind, respectful, and matter of fact.

1. Tell her you received information by rumor that may be untrue. Smile.

2. Tell her what you heard. Smile.

3. Tell her you will respect her wishes, but since she is a favorate relative, you wish to follow the service for memory's sake, and you wonder if she will give you permission to have a person sit beside you (as Jillio suggested) and sign what's said. Smile.

I will wager what you heard wasn't what she intended. I'll bet she will be just as surprised as you were to hear it. If not, then you have stated a special request without drama.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts until this is resolved.

Matilda

Well said, Chase .... from a different perspective.

VamPyroX

Have you talked to her about it? Express your concerns.

Besides, it's not really distracting depending on who the interpreter is for.

If it's just for you, then it shouldn't be a problem since the interpreter can be seated right in front of you instead of up front where everyone can see him/her.

It's like when I was in college. The more spread out deaf students there were in class, the further back the interpreter would sit to ensure that they all could see her. If there were only 1 or 2 deaf students sitting right next to each other at the front-right corner, then the interpreter would be seated a few feet in front of those students.

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Etoile

Is she still alive? If so, then definitely talk to her like other people have said. If not, I agree with the suggestion to have somebody with you at the back. It's not ideal for interpreting, it will be hard for whoever is doing it to hear the speakers at the front, but it won't distract from the service the way your aunt fears it would. (Not that interpreters distract most people...I have interpreted funerals before and it was never a problem.)

{{{hugs}}} for you.

deafbajagal

Thanks everybody - everyone has some good ideas.

Chase

I hope you let us know if and when this dilemma is resolved.

deafbajagal

I haven't addressed her with this...I did verify that she indeed did write that down in her planning at the funeral home. Her daughter (my cousin) was the one who was telling me about the plans. I have a copy of it because I usually handle the orders of the flower arrangements and music arrangements for the family, so the funeral home director is a real good friend of mine. (I have a HUGE family).

I'm gonna respect her wishes. If she mention it, I will be up front with her about how I feel and of course I will choose my words carefully. The situation is just too awkward for me.

Interpretrator

Ugh, your story hit me like a punch to the gut. I do not think by any means you're wrong to feel hurt and betrayed. She may have her reasons and whatever but not only the fact of her doing it but also not even talking with you about it is very sad to me. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I agree with Vampyrox that perhaps educating her a little about interpreters (and especially ones who know how to interpret at funerals) may ease her mind about the distraction issues.

Lantana

I feel that it is very ghoulish to be arguing about the funeral of a person who is still alive! If you are worried, take along your own terp. Hells Bells, families always wind up at each other's throats over a death in the family. Been there, done that. When my own parents passed away, we followed their wishes and scattered their ashes around my mother's rose garden. This area has since been subdivided. So the whole episode was very impersonal. That was their wish and no one argued. The memorial service was family only, which I approve of.

I got off topic, sorry. The world is not going to perform for you just because you happen to be deaf. Grab the ball and run with it!

Good luck. I know how you feel.

Lantana

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shel90

Reading this, I felt your hurt and betrayal. I agree with many members here. So many good advice here. I would feel the same way if anyone in my family ever requested something like that.

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Chase

Yep, since you verified what you'd heard, I would feel bewildered, too. When even family treat us as if our conditions are somehow impositions, it's not a comfortable feeling.