Laughter is the Best Medicine
Posted 01-22-2009 at 08:10 AM by Hear Again
For my blog entry today, I thought I'd post some of my favorite jokes. Enjoy!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to refer an installation specialist and another to bill it all to Medicare.
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A foreign language teacher was explaining to her class that, unlike their English counterparts, French nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”
The French teacher wasn’t sure which gender it was, so she divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.
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These are actual answers on a McDonald’s application submitted by a 17 year old kid someplace in Florida. They actually hired him too. I think this kid’s gonna go far…
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
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Q: What’s the longest sentence known to man?
A: I Do.
----------------------------------------------
A Random Thought:
Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
----------------------------------------------
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.”
The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn’t *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?”
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. “1,228,” he answered.
“That’s right! You may enter.”
St. Peter then turned his attention to the lawyer… “Name them.”
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So you want a day off huh? Well, let’s just take a look at what you’re asking for, ok?
There are 365 days per year making that 52 weeks. You already have 2 days off per week leaving just 261 days available for work. Since you already spend 16 hours each day away from work you’ve used up 170 days leaving only 91 days left to work. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks which accounts for 23 days each year now leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch break each day you used up another 46 days leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave leaving you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
Look, we generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be d*mned if you’re gonna take that day off!
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Love your Mamma, for she will give you the tools to build a successful life. Even though mother’s day is still months away, appericiating your mother is always in season. Here’s why…
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
You better pray that will come out of the carpet.
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
Because I said so, that’s why.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident.
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
Shut your mouth and eat your supper.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
Stop acting like your father!
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
Just wait until we get home.
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
You are going to get it when you get home!
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
You’re just like your father.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
One day you’ll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you!
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Jokes
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Today's Quote of the Day:
"Mistakes are the portals of discovery."
-- James Joyce
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to refer an installation specialist and another to bill it all to Medicare.
----------------------------------------------
A foreign language teacher was explaining to her class that, unlike their English counterparts, French nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”
The French teacher wasn’t sure which gender it was, so she divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.
----------------------------------------------
These are actual answers on a McDonald’s application submitted by a 17 year old kid someplace in Florida. They actually hired him too. I think this kid’s gonna go far…
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
----------------------------------------------
Q: What’s the longest sentence known to man?
A: I Do.
----------------------------------------------
A Random Thought:
Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
----------------------------------------------
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.”
The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn’t *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?”
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. “1,228,” he answered.
“That’s right! You may enter.”
St. Peter then turned his attention to the lawyer… “Name them.”
----------------------------------------------
So you want a day off huh? Well, let’s just take a look at what you’re asking for, ok?
There are 365 days per year making that 52 weeks. You already have 2 days off per week leaving just 261 days available for work. Since you already spend 16 hours each day away from work you’ve used up 170 days leaving only 91 days left to work. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks which accounts for 23 days each year now leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch break each day you used up another 46 days leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave leaving you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
Look, we generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be d*mned if you’re gonna take that day off!
----------------------------------------------
Love your Mamma, for she will give you the tools to build a successful life. Even though mother’s day is still months away, appericiating your mother is always in season. Here’s why…
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
You better pray that will come out of the carpet.
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
Because I said so, that’s why.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident.
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
Shut your mouth and eat your supper.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
Stop acting like your father!
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
Just wait until we get home.
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
You are going to get it when you get home!
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
You’re just like your father.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
One day you’ll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you!
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Jokes
----------------------------------------------
Today's Quote of the Day:
"Mistakes are the portals of discovery."
-- James Joyce
