It certainly looks a lot better!
Hmm... "greyer"? Do you mean "grayer"?
Should "enjoy the extrao kites dancing precariously on the breeze" be "enjoy the extra kites dancing precariously in the breeze"? (remove 'o' from extrao & change 'on' to 'in')
You still using "Deaf" instead of "deaf"?
Other than that, it looks good.
(By the way, the before-you-saw-the-deaf-girl description seems a bit too long unless that's something you think your teacher will like.)